This composite image of the inner region of the Orion Nebula was captured by Webb’s NIRCam instrument two days ago. James Webb /NASA
“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”― André Malraux
A predator is arrested, and the church hides the facts from the members.
Today, I planned to write an entirely different post. However, I couldn’t get the following post out of my mind. It was posted in The Roys Report. Megachurch Accused of Covering Up News of Youth Volunteer Charged with Trying to Sell Teen on Dark Web. You’ve heard the story before. A youth worker/volunteer at a megachurch molests a student, and the church covers it up but gets found out.
In this case, the volunteer was arrested.
Records obtained by The Roys Report (TRR) show that on June 30, authorities arrested Kelly Garrett Ivey—a former youth volunteer at Rock Springs Church in Milner, Ga.—and charged him with child cruelty and kidnapping. And last Monday, a grand jury indicted Ivey, 41, on first and second-degree charges of cruelty to children, trafficking, and three counts of criminal attempt to commit a felony, including kidnapping.
The church leaders apparently did not tell the church about this mess. You know, the typical coverup. I guess they didn’t want to “air their dirty laundry” before people who already know something is off about their church.
Yet, members of Rock Springs said they just learned of the charges against Ivey last week, when a local newspaper, The Monroe County Reporter, published a story. They added that the multi-site Rock Springs Church and its affiliated school, Rock Springs Christian Academy, where Ivey also volunteered, didn’t publish any announcement about Ivey’s arrest.
So what did this all too common alleged criminal do?
Ivey was trying to sell information about a 16-year-old’s home address and places she regularly frequented, so she could be abducted or harmed.
…Ivey advertised the “virgin female” on “Slave Bay”—a website advertising unclothed women on the dark web.
And Dee says, “So what?” to the following. Although one must do a background check, over 90% of offenders are never caught and convicted. In other words, massive numbers of bad guys who like to molest or harm children and teens are still out there. These guys love to go to stupid churches with ill-informed, trusting parents who want their kids to “have fun” at church.
Rock Springs’ Administrative Pastor Cameron Shifflett told The Reporter that Ivey had passed a background check before volunteering for the church and academy.
Speaking for the church, Pastor Shifflet said Ivey was a good guy, and the church didn’t want to ruin his reputation before he was convicted. This pastor is out of touch with the reality that most reports are credible. In other words, believe them, not the lying, dark web-loving sex trafficker. I think it is possible that the pastor was hoping to protect his own reputation. At the minimum, the pastor doesn’t care about his current congregation, some of whom have kids who may have interacted with Ivey. Pastor Tate, the head pastor, didn’t care enough to comment.
Shifflett also claimed that Ivey had stopped attending the church 20 months ago and added, “It’s so tragic. Everything we ever knew of him was that he was a good, standup, morally decent guy.”
Shifflett also told The Reporter that the law considers everyone innocent until proven guilty and lamented that if Ivey is found not guilty, his reputation will still be ruined.
Whoops-its even worse. Did the pastor lie when he said Ivey stopped attending the church 20 months ago? One parent said, “Yes.”
Camp said Ivey attended Rock Springs last March and April and could have been there as recently as June.
Camp said she was unsure when Ivey had stopped volunteering but stated that Ivey had regularly hung out in the kids’ building on Wednesday nights.
It gets worse. The lead pastor, Benny Tate, was one of the four pastors who exonerated Johnny Hunt!
Tate also was one of four prominent pastors who claimed former Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) president and accused sexual abuser, Johnny Hunt, was fit to return to ministry last year, after undergoing a restoration program.
Would the reader be surprised that Tate is accused of covering up further incidents?
In 2020, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation arrested and later convicted former Rock Springs Christian Academy teacher, Brent Stein, on seven felony charges related to child pornography possession.
In 2016 and 2022, police arrested Rock Springs Christian Academy’s former head baseball coach, Bryson Pierce, on felony drug charges while near the Rock Springs church campus.
There is a lesson to be learned from this incident and this church. Parents, please do not readily trust the youth program at your church.
I can speak from my naivete in this matter. I didn’t check out the youth programs in our various churches. I just trusted the pastors and leaders to do the right thing. That was fine for one church. It turned out not so great in another. My son began to show little interest in the youth program at our Baptist church. He thought the leader was weird. I thought it was a personality difference. Little did I know that this SEBTS seminary student was molesting a large group of young male teens near my son’s age. The smartest thing I did was not to force him to attend the youth group.
That youth leader, Brian Doug Goodrich, molested over 13 boys, although the numbers are possibly close to 30. Dee grew up and realized that her naive trust in youth programs, in general, was potentially dangerous for my children. Finding a place where our children can have fun and learn about their faith is nice. Sadly, some youth leaders are there for something else. Some parents went to court to ask the judge for leniency. They liked Goodrich, and they believed they could counsel him not to go after the teens. Goodrich is an example of a molester who fooled and continued to fool uneducated parents.
Predators target youth in churches. They know that parents are quick to trust since it is convenient to do so. I know. I was that way. My son’s instincts were correct, and he avoided being targeted by that prolific molester.
Let Jules Woodson’s story serve as a warning.
This incident has had lifelong ramifications for Jules. I am so glad she continues to speak out about what happened to her as a high school student in an SBC church.
How should parents engage in youth ministry?
- A background check doesn’t protect your kids from 90+% of molesters out there. Check it out yourself.
- Parents should be involved in all youth activities. Share the burden.
- Please report any abuse or strange behavior to the police before it is reported to the pastors. This prevents them from covering it up.
- Do not let your child ride in a car with a youth worker, nor should they spend time alone with the worker at their apartment, etc. Parents should supervise any gathering. Yes, it is a pain to do this, but your youth must be protected.
- Get to know how your church protects children. Some, like my current church, do a good job. How well do you know your youth workers? You should know them well.
- There are pedophiles and molesters in your church. They go where there are kids or teens. Don’t forget it.
- If your child is uncomfortable participating in the church youth program, listen to them.
- Leave any church that does not immediately report abuse to the police AND the church members.
- Do not trust the church leaders to do the right thing. Speak out for the right thing even if they don’t like it.
- Do not assume that the church leaders will tell you that there is a molester in your midst.
- Some pastors think God has forgiven the molesters, and they are now safe. They’re not. They have a profound, lifelong psychiatric condition.
- If you speak out, be prepared for the pastors and leaders to attack you. You are threatening their paradigm. BTDT.
- Leave any church in which the pastors don’t tell you that molesters are present or who cover up an instance of abuse.
I wish I had been more thoughtful, and am thankful nothing happened to my kids. Sadly, I know many families whose children were hurt in church. Listen to these stories and assess how well your church is doing. The well-being of your children is at stake.
PS: I think the parents at Rock Springs should find another church. Do not be naive in thinking that if you stay, you can change the church.
I was naive 15 years ago and this website was onto something. It is scary. It is like one of the themes from the X-Files…. “Trust no one”
Unfortunately, I didn’t connect the dots – that Kelly Garrett Ivey was a youth worker at the church where Pastor Benny Tate is the senior pastor.
“Pastor Tate, the head pastor, didn’t care enough to comment.”
May I venture a guess as to why Benny Tate didn’t comment? I mean, besides the fact that IMO he is a weasel? He was probably the ringleader of the coverup.
The link below shows Benny Tate nearly in tears defending Johnny Hunt. He wants to “hep” Johnny.
https://twitter.com/ThouArtTheMan/status/1696932156541644948?s=20
I would never attend a church pastored by Benny Tate or the other three stooges, Mark Hoover, Mike Whitson, and Steven Kyle. That they “restored” Johnny Hunt to the ministry tells me all I need to know about their character.
Parents must be involved in youth ministry–and that can be time-consuming. Yet how are they going to feel if something happens to their child, or someone else’s youngster? Sadly, Dee is absolutely correct in all her suggestions for parental involvement in youth ministry. Heck, her comments could apply to all church ministries, adults as well as young people. Especially take note of this comment: Please report any abuse or strange behavior to the police before it is reported to the pastors. This prevents them from covering it up. Dee is absolutely right. I feel we can no longer trust youth pastors or other church staff as we did decades ago.
Could we really trust them decades ago? That might be a fallacy.
Like I keep harpin’, sooner or later when one of those dirtbags is tried and convicted, the head honcho of the church is goin’ down too for complicity, cuz’ he knew about ‘Chester’ and did nothing.
Crying on cue?
The thought occurs that there could be some value in reframing Biblical anthropology in terms that are understandable to the very young (as well as those who are not very young but who are very naive, a group among which I once was). Proverbs has a great deal to say about the young avoiding forming friendships with human “predators” and joining them in their wicked endeavors. The victims are in the picture, but the story is not told from their point of view. “Trust no one” is IMO too harsh, but “do not extend unearned trust” may be appropriate.
Unfortunately, I think that conventional anthropology and hamartiology makes it difficult for believers who are themselves not predators to understand what is going on in predators’ hearts. We may all be twisted, but we’re not all twisted in the same way. Perhaps a useful biblical example of a predator is the “unrighteous judge”, who neither feared God (no conscience) nor cared about people (no empathy). That is a scary kind of person, and unfortunately many of us do not learn that there are such people in the churches until we suffer some harm at their hands.
We need sound age-appropriate instruction on how to recognize the bad-hearted people hiding in our midst.
Samuel Conner,
“The thought occurs that there could be some value in reframing Biblical anthropology in terms that are understandable to the very young (as well as those who are not very young but who are very naive”
+++++++++++++++++++
i have a feeling it will be functionally pretty much the charitable common sense that my agnostic cousins live by (and all the other excellent human beings I know who have no religious faith).
Molesters and abusers’ are not dummies. They find churches where background checks are not needed. They pretend to me kind, patient, loving, all the while building up to their sexual abuse. Not only do we need background checks, but full referrals and investigations of previous youth ministry positions.
I personally think that Parents MUST be involved in the youth ministry. I never allowed my kids to go on trips with just a youth pastor. There were always a large number of parents, most of the time me or my wife, who went along.
I know it happens to boys from male volunteers and youth leaders, but more often young girls are the object, and they should never be left alone with youth leaders, volunteer or paid.
“Do not trust the church leaders to do the right thing. Speak out for the right thing even if they don’t like it.
Do not assume that the church leaders will tell you that there is a molester in your midst.
Some pastors think God has forgiven the molesters, and they are now safe. They’re not. They have a profound, lifelong psychiatric condition.
If you speak out, be prepared for the pastors and leaders to attack you. You are threatening their paradigm. BTDT.
Leave any church in which the pastors don’t tell you that molesters are present or who cover up an instance of abuse.”
Reporting is absolutely essential. I have been involved in the discovery of 2 young men who molested children. Once in nursery, one in teen youth group. Both time, the leaders immediately called the police and had that person arrested. Then they contacted every parent individually and explained, then made it public as soon as those parents knew.
It will happen. Like Dee said, they target. They are schemers. And churches are the easiest place to find people who will let young leaders take a group of teens away form them for log periods of time unsupervised. This is a recipe for disaster. It was inconvenient many times for us, but we never allowed our kids to be alone with youth leaders, no matter how well we knew them. There was never a question, and one youth pastor thanked me years later for not only protecting them, but making sure there was never an accusation toward him. If they leaders are good, spiritual, consistent, accountable leaders, we can protect them as well.
After devastating damage done to one of our kids, nonsexual in nature, by a youth group leader, my advice is that the folks who should be teaching and discipling the youth should be….mom, dad, maybe extended family.
It isn’t just sexual predators, bad as that is. Your kids may be indoctrinated in a whole stinking pile of stuff you do not want them to be learning is the “right” way to see the world.
I also was too trusting of youth workers. I am glad nothing happened but I will certainly be different when my grandkids get to that age. It is, as others have pointed out, that not only can the youth leaders be sneaky, wolves in sheep clothing, but the Leadership might just be afraid to do anything or trust the youth leader above the word of kids and/or their parents.
Two words! Jimmy Hinton!!! Get on his site. A great resource with lots of videos. He had the guts to have his dad arrested. He knows his stuff.
Would it help to have husband-and-wife youth-leadership teams? That’s how our parish does it. In fact, there seems to be a whole cadre of volunteers working with the teens. The kids are never alone with just one person AFAIK. That’s no guarantee, of course, but I think it may help.
Aaaaaand, predators pad the pockets of preachers. $$$. A predator’s strategy for access, camouflage, and immunity.
Pastors gifted, filled with, and dependent on the Holy Spirit, while working collaboratively with the 17 other gifts of the Holy Spirit (Rom 12, 1 Cor 12, Eph 4), are neither bought nor owned by donors.
I have no idea what this means. What is “conventional anthropology” vs “biblical anthropology”? In the evangelical world most churches are very authoritarian. There’s huge pressure to conform. The leadership’s word is equal to the bible. Hamartiology is what leaders say it is. That’s the root of the problem. Blind faith in a top down hierarchy.
It’s a problem with the system.
The involvement of other adults does help, but what do those adults believe and teach?
For any who do not already know, I was sexually abused at youth group. Looking back, I see three factors: the presence of one or more abusers; rigidly dogmatic adult volunteers and youth pastors; and prudish, repressive teachings. Yes, they preached to us about sex—in icky, inappropriate ways. These things together eroded boundaries and made it impossible for me to recognize what was done to me.
There is a way to preserve teens’ innocence, safeguard them, and also not keep them in the dark. Parents: lose any fear and prudery you might have. Respect your children as whole, thoughtful human beings. Talking to them about their bodies will protect them. It won’t make them reckless.
Do not threaten your children with hell or anything else over the topic of sex. A child who has been molested might feel like they should have prevented the situation, or even like a willing participant. If that child expects to be hit, thrown out of the house, or worse, will they ever tell you what happened?
Kids can know about evil in the world and—paradoxically—not know when it is happening to them. Make sure your children feel safe talking to you about absolutely anything.
Jack,
“too simplistic” understanding of people and their problems, “too optimistic” thinking about the power of “the Gospel” or “preaching” or “christian/biblical counseling” to change profoundly disturbed people. These naturally lead to the inadequate precautions that are reported again and again at TWW.
Somebody bring me up to speed with the acronym soup, what’s BTDT?
No we couldn’t.
They just did a better job of cover-up back in those days.
Plus, you didn’t dare and besmirch one of the upstanding men of the congregation.
Thank you for sharing, Friend.
And may I second this?
My parents did more things right than they did wrong, but they never talked about sex, other than not to do it outside of marriage. They were well intentioned, but the unintended consequences were not pretty. Out of naivety, I ignored all sorts of warning signs from boyfriends in my teens and early 20s. Only as a 40-year-old did I realize that two of them had assaulted me.
But the part that breaks my heart is knowing that, when I was a sophomore in high school, a special ed student told me that a male student in our class forced her to perform a sexual act on him. And even though I 100% believed her, I told her to shush and not tell anyone, because the only thing I knew about sex was that it was bad outside of marriage, and I didn’t want her to get in trouble. I failed her, utterly and completely.
I know better, now, and I want my daughters to know better, too.
Muff Potter,
Been there, done that.
Anthropology definition:
the study of human societies and cultures and their development.
“they examine lesser-known findings in archeology and anthropology to highlight all that we don’t know about human history”
the study of human biological and physiological characteristics and their evolution.
I don’t think “anthropology” is the correct term. What happens in these churches have been studied through social psychology, from learned helplessness to groupthink.
But making the information “more biblical” won’t help. The bible is full of the fantastic, sun stopping in the sky, flying people, talking animals, resurrected dead. Sure they believe anything is possible, but I’m inclined to understand it as a system driven by a leadership that bolts god to their own interests. These leaders want to protect the system at all costs, and yes they could also be trapped in that same system. This is why they genuinely are amazed when they wind up with negative press.
Making the message “more biblical” only feeds the system.
This is not about forgiveness or the relationship with God. God is not stopping this. Ostensibly he’s in the room while the abuse occurs. One would think the master of the universe could make a talking wombat appear to maybe intervene. Why that doesn’t happen, I don’t know, only humans can act. It’s up to us.
The monster can only be slain by dragging it out from behind the theological iron curtain of these closed groups and into the light.
That requires a constant message of “it’s not ok”
That’s the problem in a nutshell. I’m sorry for what happened to you and your friend. You didn’t fail anyone. The adults failed you.
We can do better by our own daughters and sons.
Jack,
In the context of the churches’ theoretical systems, their “theologies”, the term “anthropology” has the sense of “words about man”. Theological anthropology, at least the bits I have been exposed to, is not primarily concerned with culture and society; it’s more concerned with “the constitution and function of individual human persons”, and with questions such as “what does it mean to be ‘made in the image of God’ “. You may have encountered phrases like “tripartite anthropology” or “bipartite anthropology”, the ideas, respectively, that humans are constituted of three (body/soul/spirit), or two (outer man/inner man or soma/kardia) distinct components. There’s even a materialist option, called “non-reductive physicalism”, though that is widely disfavored in the bits of the Evangelical movement to which I’ve been exposed.
—
I substantially agree with your criticisms of the churches, and I agree that the Creator’s apparent permissiveness of the evil done by His self-described servants is deeply troubling. Does the righteous ruler of the Earth not see?
I think there’s a lack of humility in way many leaders handle the ancient texts, and a flawed assumption that those texts contain answers to every question they want to ask. I think there’s also sociological pressure toward forms of extremism as markers of commitment to “high doctrine of Scripture”. Things reinforce each other in directions that often turn unwholesome.
Taking a longer view, groups that mistreat their members will eventually lose them, or will collapse into hermetically-sealed cults, or will reform either from internal or external pressure. None of those things is likely to happen quickly. If this is the form that the “under the Sun” justice of God actually takes, … I wish it were quicker and more definitive.
As in “Two Plus Two CANNOT Equal Four unless there’s SCRIPTURE says so!”
And it’s amazing how God Saith and SCRIPTURE always agrees 110% with what the ManaGAWD wants to do anyway.
As in “DIE HERETIC!” to the death between the Tripartites and Bipartites?
I remember the Tripartite Anthropology (what a mouthful) of Body/Soul/Spirit was SCRIPTURE(TM) during my time in-country. And I’ve never understood it. Body/Soul I can understand, but WTF is the difference between Soul and Spirit? Other than it was all over Christianese AM radio.
Was it to have three parts echoing the Doctrine of the Trinity?
Was it the equivalent of “How many angels can dance on the head of apin?”
Was it just one of those “Everybody’s Doing It” things between Witch Hunts?
Yeah, but we’re Mystery Babylon Romish Papists with the Satanic Death Cookies.
Thinking with The Flesh instead of moving in The Spirit.
2 years ago a church in our small town hired a youth pastor. They brought him in from out of state, and he was 45 years old. Only 5 months later he was arrested for sexual assault of a 13 y o girl. Thankfully he’s now doing 20 years. I’m not well enough acquainted with church leaders to ask them a few questions, like: Why was it necessary to hire a youth pastor in the first place? Were there warning signs they may have missed? Victims at previous churches who were missed or covered up?
The first unintended consequence that comes to mind is Extreme Virgin/Whore Dichotomy.
And my parents NEVER gave me “the sex talk”. Dad said he’d tell me “when I was old enough to understand”; he died when I was 38 and never told me. Bad Craziness.
I was NOT raised in Christian Purity Culture, but for some reason I ended up internalizing most of the tropes of it. Distrust of any RL females, BAD Virgin/Whore Dichotomy, Avoid Punishment at all costs, Save Self for Marriage at all costs, and the idea that I’d automatically find someone (another Virgin, of course) and get married.
Successful serial killers, rapists, and sociopaths are masters of camouflage.
“For Satan himself can transform himself to appear as an Angel of Light.”
— some Rabbi from Tarsus
And masters of grooming third parties (especially those in authority) as allies. and third-party gaslighting the targets/victims, who alone see the sociopath without the Angel of Light mask.
“Go ahead and squeal, Tattle Tale! Nobody will Ever believe you! EVER! Because you’re just the Crazy Kid and I’m the Sweet Little Angel.”
Friend,
“We can do better by our own daughters and sons.”
Sarah (aka Wild Honey),
“I know better, now, and I want my daughters to know better, too.”
+++++++++++++++++++
thank you for this conversation.
can you share more of your thoughts on practical things a parent can do?
What’s next? Theological cardiology, the idea that all sin is a “heart issue,” and chest pains are a call to repent?
Never heard of this church, but the names seem familiar.
Was this a Baptist church?
Huge topic, but thanks for asking. I’ll try.
Every conversation needs to be age appropriate, of course. Assume that kids will eventually see and hear things about sex. You are there to make sense of things, guide them, and help them learn to protect themselves.
Things to consider:
In advance, in your mind, script your comments about sensitive topics.
Always listen. If you accidentally squelch a topic, cycle back in a calm moment: “Hey, yesterday you mentioned [topic]. I feel like I didn’t understand all of what you were saying,” etc.
Teach all children about autonomy and consent. If little ones are reluctant to kiss adults or sit on their laps, don’t force them. For teens and young adults, if you have stories about someone trying to drug or assault you or another, share them with care in a quiet conversation.
Listen for opportunities. One time, kids in my minivan said how great it was that a 14-year-old from school was going to marry a 40-year-old. I got very frank with them that this “true love” was a crime against a child.
One pragmatic hint for teens: offer an unconditional ride home. “If you’re ever out somewhere, and you don’t feel safe, call me. I promise I will come get you, and I promise not to ask any questions.” Periodically remind them that the offer still stands. For those over 18 and not within driving distance, promise to reimburse them if they need an emergency ride from a service.
As true as the commutative property of multiplication (a times b equals b times a).
I’ve seen and lived through the flawed assumption while in the Calvary Chapel cult.
The Bible was used extensively as a magic-how-to-text for everything.
Do you also feel sick every time you hear the word “SCRIPTURE(TM)”?
DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS!
Catholic Gate-Crasher,
Our church wouldn’t let a husband and wife work together unless their was a third unrelated adult in the room. Married couples might cover for each other. Think Pastors and their wives that cover for each other. Shrug. Sad but true. Better to have two unrelated adults covering a room.
If they are working with another adult or adults, great, if not, no.
Why? How many stories can you think of in which a man sexually abuses his own or other children and the wife somehow manages not to know? Or vouches for him. A wife cannot be forced to testify in court against her husband, either. So it’s best to think of a married couple as one “unit” when they are serving in children’s or youth ministry.
Friend,
Thank you, I appreciate you saying so.
I’m sorry. This is a completely logical conclusion to bad information. Purity culture teaches a lot of distrust on both sides and sets the genders up against each other.
To piggyback on this comment… Also, just because one spouse is a good fit for youth ministry doesn’t automatically mean another one is.
Anthropology is the study of human society, just like theology is the study of the nature of god. The anthropology you’re talking about is more like a philosophy. It’s not a study of human society, not really a study at all. More a belief about the nature of humans.
People who know about abusers and cover up are as evil as abusers, maybe more so.
I totally agree with Dee about background checks. They are necessary (because you certainly don’t want to hire someone who has already been arrested!) but not sufficient (the majority of predators have not been arrested.) Other necessary but not sufficient screening practices include checking references and checking their social media is an important step. All those things are part of due diligence, but none of them guarantee that a person is not a predator.
Practices that are both necessary and more effective include 1) diligent supervision and 2)kids who are not naive. Innocence does not equal ignorance.
Diligent supervision:
No adult volunteer, minister, or pastor should be alone with any child or teen. Full stop. Forget the Billy Graham rule about not being alone with someone of the opposite sex. There are plenty of same sex assaults. So multiple volunteers are important.
Teaching children wisdom about the reality of the world so that they are not naive and are equipped as much as possible to recognize potential danger:
Children can be taught from a young age that they are in control of their own bodies so that it comes naturally to them. A parent can do this from infancy in a game fashion, “Can I kiss your little feet?” (And the child can say yes or no.) No child should be obligated to “Give Grandma a hug” if they don’t want to for any reason. Practices like that develop the foundation they will need throughout life.
Nearly all abuse starts with grooming which by its progressive nature gives children and parents time to identify potential issues before there is trauma. Parents should know what kinds of things molesters say to groom children and should teach children to tell them if that happens. “Tell Mommy or Daddy if anyone asks you to keep a secret, gives you a special gift, or does something that makes you feel uncomfortable.” (This can’t be a one time “talk.” The point is you want open communication so that you can sift between things that are appropriate versus potential red flags.)
Talks with preteens and teens should cover signs that someone is grooming them or a friend–even someone they know well like a coach or someone from church. Share stories you read with your preteens and teens. There will be plenty of stories of trusted figures such as coaches and teachers as well as religious leaders. I believe it’s most important to focus on the early warning signs that are reported in the story. What happened before the actual abuse? Be aware, too, that if there is a predator in your child’s life, they will be grooming you and other parents and members of the community.
Parents should also assume their kids will come across porn or possibly be solicited while using a computer or smartphone. If they don’t, one of their friends will and will share. Share stories about teens who have been groomed online by someone impersonating another teen. Give them an open door to come to you about porn or solicitation by letting them know that it is normal to get sucked in and there won’t be repercussions for asking for help.
If they get into a situation they’ve been warned about, it is never too late to come to you. Never.
In other words, in the spirit of Proverbs, train kids to be aware of their surroundings and to recognize potential warning signs. Ignorance does not equal innocence; innocence can be stolen through ignorance. Instead, parents can pass their wisdom down to their children.
I no longer sign on to the belief that body and soul are separate entities.
I now believe that body and soul are an integral unit with no line of demarcation.
In other words, you can’t have one without the other.
Friend,
If I may agree with Friend’s answer and piggyback in response to elastigirl’s question…
I’m not many years into the parenting journey, so check back in 20 years to see if I still think what I’m about to say. And I only have daughters, so apologies if my focus seems one-sided.
I’m finding certain age-appropriate books helpful to use as conversation starters, since my kids are young enough they still enjoy being read to. We’re (slowly) going through “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures” about avoiding porn. After that will be “God Made All of Me,” about bodily autonomy. I believe Rachel Denhollander has written one on a similar theme.
My kids know the names of their body parts, though we generally refer to them in conversation as their “privates.” “They’re private because they’re just for you.” When they get older, we can transition that to “just for you and the person you choose to share them with.” (I think/hope.)
When opportunity arises, I talk openly about my period (“something a woman’s body does to help it stay healthy”) or about how people’s bodies change as they get older. My 91-year-old grandma recently told me that she thought she was dying the first time she got hers; her mother had never explained it to her.
I know not everyone here is a fan of Sheila Gregoire, but I’ve overall found her work helpful (and would point out she’s calling out the likes of Focus on the Family and John Piper). Her most recent book is geared towards mothers of teen daughters, called “She Deserves Better, Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up.” When reading it, I kept thinking it explained so many stupid things I did as a teen and young adult.
HUG has mentioned the dichotomy between virgin/whore. And while I haven’t figured out how to articulate this to my kids, yet, one of the biggest things I want them to understand as they hit puberty is that sex happens on a continuum. Going one inch doesn’t mean you have to go the whole mile. And having gone half a mile doesn’t mean you can’t back up and return to that first inch if you think that’s the better decision at the time.
When I was 12 or 13, my dad made me take a women’s self-defense class taught by his martial arts studio. It taught me (among other things) how to walk confidently and project my voice when necessary. This was a parenting win on his part. Something also I am thankful for was that, when I was 17 at my first job and had to close with a guy who creeped me out, I mentioned it to my dad and he took me seriously. Dad showed up before closing time, introduced himself to my coworker, and proceeded to sit glowering in the corner until we were done and it was time to take me home. My coworker noticed. “I don’t think your dad likes me.” This affirmed that I could trust my instincts when they told me something was off. I’d point out that a woman trusting her instincts is something many Christian big-wigs explicitly teach against, not in praise of. And before retirement, my dad worked in a predominantly female industry and maintained friendships with women while still having a strong relationship to his wife/my mom. So, again going against what some Christians explicitly teach against, I witnessed people of the opposite sex practicing self-control and having healthy friendships, something else I think helped myself.
I’m sorry if this isn’t the appropriate forum for this.
HUG, Dee mentioned you might be emailing me something. If you changed your mind or just forgot, no worries. But just wanted to let you know I don’t seem to have received anything, yet.
Reform often takes the shape of absorbing host / analogous / proximate bodies to their way of thinking.
They were so bad – they must be the way to go.
I was more sensible at 14 than at any time since until very recently. Weird = weird. After that, weird = trendy.
What a blessing you & your husband helped your son to trust his own intuition.
Tutch Not Mine Kidz Pastuz.
Sunday School was separate from the service, which all children attended throughout. Sunday School was for working children to learn reading and writing.
Whisking “Kidz” off after the first hymn, to mysteriously reappear in the coffee queue, is grooming.
Does anyone investigate and critique what actually the young have had palmed off on them? Many church authorities demote Scripture because they don’t admit it carries meanings.
Catholic Gate-Crasher,
According to the BSA’s Youth Protection rules, adult members of the same family – husband/wife, parent/adult child, adult siblings – do not count as “two-deep leadership.”
My parish’s youth minister is a married mother in her 30s, and there are always four or five other adult volunteers in attendance.
Sarah (aka Wild Honey),
Greatly appreciated your insights, thanks. Your children are fortunate to have openness and sensitivity in their lives.
At each annual checkup, our pediatrician tells her young patients that the only people allowed to see the “bathing suit areas” are the parents, or the doctor—with permission. Her message varies by patient age, and reassuringly addresses informed medical consent as well as autonomy.
I used to, but not anymore.
I now temper ‘Scripture’ with reason and common sense.
That.
You betcha’ you can trust your instincts as a woman!
They are God-given as a perimeter of defense-alert for every woman.
Those ‘Christian’ big-whigs who teach against it are full-of-you-know-what.
(it starts with an ‘s’ and ends with a ‘t’)
Friend,
Thank you, I always appreciate hearing yours, too.
Yes, we tell our kids something similar. Parents help out especially with babies and toddlers too young to take care of themselves, and doctors if something is hurt or gets an infection.
Muff Potter,
Thank you, Muff 🙂
Just sent it off.
Email with attachment.
If you don’t see it in your inbox, check your spam filtes. The email itself has several embedded links to YouTube and an art site, so THe Holy Algorithm might mistake it for spam. If you want to reply, reply to the email address in the email.
Let alone boys and men.
“Lean not unto your own understanding” actually became “do lean unto your own understanding” in comparison with the line of the theodudes / movement and parachurch operatives / handlers.
Look how they haven’t any intuition any more. So they’ll be d. if they let the young boys have any.