Welcome to a Gathering of EChurch@Wartburg
Here Is Our Order of Worship
Easter Prayers link
We give thanks to you, Lord,
for you have done marvellous things!
When we were walking in darkness
you were there, you were there,
when we were kneeling in weakness
you were there, you were there,
when we drew near feeling worthless
you were there, you were there,
when we were needing forgiveness
you were there, you were there,
when we were searching for your grace
you were there, you were there.
We give thanks to you, Lord,
for you have done marvellous things!
Amen
Easter Prayer link
We are often not the Easter People
that we should be,
living in the certain knowledge
of your great mercy and love.
Distracted by the world around us
we fail to hear your voice,
or hide when faith is challenged
as we wander off the path.
Forgive us, we pray;
restore the love that we first had,
a faith that can endure.
We will keep our eyes fixed on you, Lord,
and with you at our right hand
we shall not be shaken.
Scripture Reading: Romans 1:7-13 (NASB Bible Gateway)
to all who are beloved of God in Rome, called as saints: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, because your faith is being proclaimed throughout the whole world. For God, whom I serve in my spirit in the preaching of the gospel of His Son, is my witness as to how unceasingly I make mention of you, always in my prayers making request, if perhaps now at last by the will of God I may succeed in coming to you. For I long to see you so that I may impart some spiritual gift to you, that you may be [c]established; that is, that I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other’s faith, both yours and mine. I do not want you to be unaware, brethren, that often I have planned to come to you (and have been prevented so far) so that I may obtain some fruit among you also, even as among the rest of the Gentiles.
Easter Prayer link
How often when weary
do we sigh 'The spirit is willing,
but the body is weak.'
How often when in prayer
are thoughts distracted by
sounds or circumstance
or prayers diverted
by trivial concerns.
Baggage carried with us
rather than left at your feet.
How often do we find ourselves
apologising to you
for our abbreviated prayer life.
And yet you draw us still
to be in your presence
as you did the disciples at Gethsemene
You want us to share in your life
to play our part.
You told your disciples to watch and pray
so that they might not fall into temptation
Do you ask the same of us
and do we also fail you
each time we whisper
'The spirit is willing,
but the body is weak.'
Grant us the strength, Lord
of body and of spirit
to offer you the sacrifice
of our lives
Amen
Benediction St. Hippolytus (AD 190-236) link
Christ is Risen: The world below lies desolate
Christ is Risen: The spirits of evil are fallen
Christ is Risen: The angels of God are rejoicing
Christ is Risen: The tombs of the dead are empty
Christ is Risen indeed from the dead,
the first of the sleepers,
Glory and power are his forever and ever.
Amen
Christ is risen; He is risen indeed
“Ooozing Sores, The Bride, And The Great Commandment?”
HowDee,
hmmm…
“I can concede that while I might find something absolutely wrong and toxic, there is the possibility that it is just how I see it.
Sort of like with little children….” -Linda
Like with the little child whose father is pastor (elder, deacon) and abuses her/sibs secretly at home. -Patrice
“It must be ok,” says the child, ” See how everyone loves my father! See how he talks about God and prays to him! I am just looking at it wrong. I hurt sooo much but it isn’t real. I am making it up.”
And like with the wife who is abused by her husband and even though given gifts by God, is prevented from using them by a system that says she has been created inferior and must endure quietly.
“It must be ok,” says the woman.
“Pastors say that God made me this way.”
Leadership agrees.
Huh?
“I must deserve how my husband treats me in the secrecy of our home. I am looking at it wrong. I hurt sooo much but it isn’t real.”
“I am making it up.” says the woman.
What?
Like with the young man who is questioning the authoritarian structure of his church and is disciplined for it.
“I am looking at it wrong….” says the young man.
Screeeeeeeeeeeech!
“We’re juz gonna let Jesus sort out the good guys and bad guys.” ?!?
bye and bye?
…think happy thoughts?
The Bride of Christ is here!
Sure.
Crunnnnnnnnnnnnnnch!
She is really, really, really, really busted.
What?
“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” (attributed to Edmund Burke)
So much of the history of the struggle between good and evil can be explained by this above ‘observation’. Time and again those who profess to be good seem to clearly outnumber those who are evil, yet those who are evil seem to prevail far too often?
Seldom is it the numbers that determine the outcome, but whether those who claim to be good men are willing to stand up and fight for what they know to be right.
There are numerous examples of this sad and awful scenario being played out over and over again in the scriptures.
Thank God indeed! that ‘goodguyz’ like Deb and Dee, and so many others that are busy lancing and binding the wounds on Christ’s Bride’s feverish body. Amen!
Ozzzzzzzzze. Ouch!
That’s what telling the truth is?
hmmm…
A. dismantling the ‘false authority’ of power-hungry leadership?
B. countering “doctrine” that has forgotten ‘the centrality of Love’?
C. holding up ‘the standards’ of the Great Commandment?
‘Truth’ is a disinfectant, use liberally?
Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt, Squirt…
I am the way and the truth, no one comes to the Father but through Me. –Jesus
(grin)
Bravo! W*A*R*T*B*U*R*G
The trick is to keep moving forward…
Happy Easter, e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e!
Sopy
___
Onward! upward! Christian soldier,
Turn not back nor sheath thy sword,
Let its blade be sharp for conquest,
In the battle for the Lord.
From the great white throne eternal,
God Himself is looking down;
He it is Who now commands thee,
Take the cross and win the crown.
He it is Who now commands thee,
Take the cross and win the crown.
Onward! upward! doing, daring,
All for Him Who died for thee;
Face the foe and meet with boldness
Danger whatsoe’er it be.
From the battlements of glory,
Holy ones are looking down,
Thou canst almost hear them shouting:
“On! let no one take thy crown.”
Thou canst almost hear them shouting:
“On! let no one take thy crown.”
Onward! till thy course is finished,
Like the ransomed ones before;
Keep the faith thro’ persecution,
Never give the battle o’er.
Onward! upward! till victorious,
Thou shalt lay thy armor down,
And thy loving Savior bids thee
At His hand receive thy crown.
And thy loving Savior bids thee
At His hand receive thy crown.
*
@ linda
@ Patrice
—
I have left off asking for things from God. I don’t know how it works because there have been a few times in my life when I was in deep trouble and I prayed for help but none came.
I used to have an occasional nightmare during which my father was in my bedroom at 2am and I was trapped. I would pray for help but only a blue-eyed blond-haired Jesus appeared, wringing his hands helplessly in the corner.
After a long time, I decided that the real God (not that wussy Jesus) was with me even though it felt like completely abandonment. I took it on faith because there was no sign, none. It is hard to reconcile, though.
More recently I’ve wondered whether those circumstances in my life were small versions of “Eloi Elio lama Sabachthani”, that God really had left me to the evil in a way similar to what Christ experienced. Just for those periods of time. I don’t know.
At any rate, because of it, I can’t find a way to ask God for things. I walk with God throughout my days, as was beautifully explained in last week’s sermon. I notice things with Him/Her, admire stuff, mention interesting or distressful thoughts/experiences. So my “prayer” life is more a relational “with God” kind of thing. But I have no idea what it could possibly mean to make requests of Her/Him.
What a glorious service! Thank you so much Deb for those beautiful hymns, especially “He’s Alive.” I was so blessed by each one.
Paul, thank you so very much for your sermon on prayer. My eyes opened wide when you mentioned you and Mary doing dishes and her asking you, “What happened to you?” The very same thing happened to me after being filled with the Holy Spirit. My husband took one look at me and asked, “What in the world happened to you.? I said I didn’t know because I didn’t know the “terminology” used to describe that experience.
This ministry is much appreciated! Thanks all!
@ Patrice:
I didn’t watch the sermon, so I can’t comment on that, but as to asking God for things…yeah, that’s gotten tricky for me, too.
He never showed up in my nightmares. My nightmares usually involved demons…..
I’m so sorry for the nightmare you lived through. My tormentor (the sexual abuse part, anyway) was not my father, and in all that happened, only one incident of sexual abuse happened in my home and my bed (effing babysitter). The level of fear that had to produce…makes me angry at your father.
Oddly, I never felt like Jesus had abandoned me so much as I felt like I had abandoned him by ‘having sex without being married.’
The events of childhood and the church teachings that get woven into those events sure do take a lot of work to unravel – especially when the abusers use the church/Bible to keep you in line….
Now, God and I talk throughout the day about what I see and what’s going on in my head. And about the only thing I ask is just, “Papa, help.” And the fact that I am still here tells me he is helping….even though I don’t always feel like he is.
The thing I struggle with the most is simply finding it hard to believe that he would have any interest in helping with the day to day survival stuff….I know the root issue is that I don’t have faith in love being what people say it is. The ‘love’ I received growing up didn’t involve much in the way of comfort or helping me out of jams, so….
Anyway, I think the relationship part – walking day to day and just being together – is much more important than any of the so called ‘steps to more effective prayer’ that some promote. (Again, I didn’t watch Paul’s sermon, so I am not referring to him.)
Jeannette said,
"Anyway, I think the relationship part – walking day to day and just being together – is much more important than any of the so called ‘steps to more effective prayer’ that some promote."
YES! This is what is so important about prayer – it's all about having a relationship with our Lord and Savior.
Patrice,
I'm keeping you in my prayers. I can't even begin to understand the pain you must be experiencing. I am so glad you are a part of the TWW community. I want to encourage you and Jeannette to watch both of Paul's sermons. I have seen each of them twice, and they are so encouraging! I don't think you will find anything upsetting in them.
Blessings to you both!
Victorious,
I am so glad you enjoyed EChurch. I love that song, too!
For Resurrection Sunday, the choir at my church performed a Cantata, and the songs were beautiful! I'm planning to include them in next weekend's EChurch.
I have also listened to the message Wade delivered yesterday, and it is fantastic! We are glad to have him back from his travels to Greece and Turkey.
Jesus: “Come Dream With Me?”
Patrice,
Hey,
…go buy yourself a new pair of shoes, and relax. We here at Wartburg, got ya covered. Shouldof hollered sooner. Can’t speak for da Almighty, some times He getz pretty dag on busy…he sayz ta keep on bang’in, ya know dat squeaky wheel…
rememba dat footprints in da sand stuff…
He sure has big shoulders…
I have some lime flavored Jello with your name on it…
(grin)
“Mucho Blessings! “ ☺
Youze Matter.
>-((S“㋡”py((º>™
—
Patrice & Jeannette,
I’m not unfamiliar with both of your thoughts and feelings.
I remember well the sense of abandonment when we received the word our 9 year old granddaughter who is wheel-chair bound for life had been sexually assaulted. Had I, at the time, been able to put my hands on the perpetrator, who was a baptist preacher, I would have delivered him to the afterworld. It’s STILL part of the tangled thread that awaits something made clearer in eternity because the pain remains and the cloud persists in the understanding of it all.
I don’t speak of it much except with those such as you, who know where of I speak. Your words encourage me. Thanks to both of you.
@ Jeannette Altes:
You wrote: “Oddly, I never felt like Jesus had abonned me so much as I felt like I had abanodoned him by ‘having sex without being married.”
Ach! I hope that conviction is long gone, Jeannette. What a rotten extra burden to carry! Apart from appalling doctrines, survivors also tend to blame themselves because we all need to believe that the world makes sense and it is easier to endure the chaos if they see it as personal faults. So you had a double whammy.
I do as you do, too, occasionally saying, “Please help.” But I don’t hope for anything except that I may remain inside the place of love where is God.
You wrote: “The thing I struggle with the most is simply finding it hard to believe that he would have any interest in helping with the day to day survival stuff…” For me, it seems that God is interested but that He/She seldom takes action, neither in my day-to-day nor during my traumatic times.
People have declared, “Well, you didn’t feel that God was helping, but He/She was.” And, “Look how much worse it could have been. God stayed evil’s full reach.” And the fallback, “God will use this to bring you closer to himself.” Even, as you gently and clearly say, “I am still here so He/She is helping.” I find none of these statements persuasive.
Current tentative conclusions:
1. Every good thing comes from God. So whenever, wherever, and from whomever goodness appears, I remark it and tell God how glad I am.
2. Now that I know where the place of love is (this walking/talking with Him/Her throughout the day, as you do), I remain there. I’ve had a few wretched experiences in recent years, such that I again felt lost and abandoned, but in a back corner of my heart, there remained a sense that I am still loved by an immensely great Being. And because of this love, I have become convinced that someday all the crap will be washed away, that I will be restored to the person God made me to be (and even better!), and that the knowledge I gained will be put to good use.
@ Jeannette Altes:
(I split my comment in two. Too long lol) “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” I believe that all is remembered, valued, and that nothing will be lost but that doesn’t mean that there is help or rescue at any given time.
So when I ask God for help, it is a forlorn gesture. Paul Burleson says there is always an answer: yes, no, wait. Ok, but I have been told “no” too many times during awful circumstances to believe that prayer for myself has pertinence or power.
You wrote, “I know the root issue is that I don’t have faith in love being what people say it is.” I lack faith that I will be given what I need to continue intact. I might indeed die in pain and insane. I see no guarantee and because I do not know the broad range of God’s intentions, it seems pointless to do more than mention my needs which are already known and taken into account by God. So I simply rest in the idea that God will, in the end, make certain that not one little thing will be lost. So my best effort is to simply walk with Him/Her as faithfully as I can.
What am I missing here? People are supposed to pray fervently and there are stories of God responding by changing courses of events. What is that? What does it mean?
At any rate, that’s why it’s so important for me to understand that evil has nothing at all to do with God, that it is neither ordained by Him/Her nor being used by Him/Her to bring about His final purposes. If I had to believe that as well as having had to endure evil in the manner that I have, I would be an atheist, tout de suite.
@ Deb:
Thanks, Deb. I listened to both sermons and they were helpful. Last week’s was particularly lovely for me because he explained what I’d been slowly learning, that the best of life is being with God throughout one’s minutes/hours, and he explained that as prayer, which is communication that is at the heart of any relationship. And it’s extra sweet that Jeannette also experiences it.
This week’s sermon showed me the difficulties I still have, and that was helpful too, if less jolly.
It’s ok. I’m not in pain anymore, except the occasional flashback and those are only memories, even if way-too-real. I have damage of various sorts and my last decade has been like a long post-game review, trying to understand what happened, and what it means. And unfortunately, also occasional chances to try out my new understanding, ack.
I am on solid ground. I found a path–narrow sometimes faint but traceable–a path of love and truth which I walk with God.
@ Sopwith I do need a new pair of shoes, but the sun is out today, again, so I might just poke in the dirt a bit instead. I do love dirt! 🙂 And blessings to you too, dear Sopy.
@ Paul Burleson:
That was plain wicked! Ack! I hope your granddaughter is doing ok, Paul.
I am glad that you understand. There are many of us who ardently wish to make clear and gracious sense of our experiences. Thanks for being part of it.
“People have declared, “Well, you didn’t feel that God was helping, but He/She was.” And, “Look how much worse it could have been. God stayed evil’s full reach.” And the fallback, “God will use this to bring you closer to himself.” Even, as you gently and clearly say, “I am still here so He/She is helping.” I find none of these statements persuasive. ”
I am always amazed that people know what God is doing or not doing. This sort of thing makes me nuts. Makes you wonder why Jesus told the guys he sent out: Be as wise as serpents but gentle as doves.
Poop Happens: “But God Makes Da Rainbows?”
Patrice,
Hey,
God made a perfect heaven, and poop happened,
God made a perfect Garden , and poop happened,
God, at just the right time… sent His dear Son, and poop happened,
Jesus wished that He could have gather all of Jerusalem, and poop happened,
God so loved the world, and poop happened,
One day all the poop will go into the compost,
The wheat gathered unto His barn,
The whole universe made new…
Wait for it!
“A mighty Fortress Is Our God!”
Cheeeeeeeeeeese!
Youze Matter.
>-((S“㋡”py((º>™
___
P.S. Ize gonna keep askin’… I get some pretty amazing and awesome results! Glory b.
P.P.S. Put your Sharpies away…Ize gonna pray you a perfect rainbow! 🙂
—
Paul,
Thanks so much for commenting. You have such compassion for others. I greatly enjoyed your sermons. I led the Moms in Touch group at my children’s school for a decade, and Dee was an integral part of that group. It was a faith building time for both of us, and together we learned some of the principles you shared.
Thank you for these life-changing messages. They have helped me remember an important lesson I learned. That familiar adage Prayer changes things needs to be understood through this perspective – prayer changes me.
Patrice wrote:
I’ve mostly cleared this one out, but it can stil, ocassionally, rear its head and add to the chaos/panic of a momentary flashback…
Patrice wrote:
Grrr!!! I have grown to loath religious platitudes. They nearly always make you feel like the problem is your are somehow just not doing it right….which is such BS!
Patrice wrote:
Yes, I like this.
Patrice wrote:
Actually, this describes fairly accuurately where I spend a good deal of time. Sometimes, it seems the majority of the help is simply in holding onto sanity for another day. Sometimes, I can recognize that it is his help that has me in my own apartment with food and income, etc., in spite of the fact that even my therapist has said from the start that I should have ended up in an institution – not because of how I am, but because what I went through should have caused mental breakdown by high school. So….
@ Paul Burleson:
Wade has mentioned this. Hmmm….in thinking about it, I wish there were men in my family who felt the angry 0 the outrage that you do. That is so valuable – to know you matter enough for someone to by angry for you…..
@ Deb:
Yeah….it is sometimes difficult to ounderstand why some people don’t seem to understand this….I will think about watching the sermons. 😉
Jeannette Altes wrote:
And since all good things come from God—there are your apt, food and income, and ALSO your gifts of courage, strength and intelligence, which you’ve obviously used well to keep on fighting. Whoop whoop!
What a fine therapist you have! I have one, too, lucky me. When I become restless about my constrained life, or restart the old guilt song about “doing more”, or when I just start whining about why I am not healthier than I am, my therapist says, “You need to remember that you are alive and you are not psychotic. That is the miracle here. Anything extra is sheer grace and gravy.”
So there it is, Jeannette, all that goodness “in spite of”….and it is enough.
This Superduper Trouper salutes you, another Superduper Trouper, across the internets, hah.
@ Patrice:
Hah! Salute back and thank you. Its rare to find someone who understands – although there are a few here that have walked this particular mindfield.
And yes…most days, it is enough.
I don’t know how it is with you, but for me, the ‘abyss’ – that dark pit of insanity – is never far away. I remember about 6 years ago, when both my church and familial worlds were crumbling around me….everything I thought was solid seemed like it was shifting and the intense, long bottled up, emotional pain rising to the surface was, well, hard…. This was before therapy when I was still inside the cult.
One day I was sitting in the dark in one of the side conference rooms just crying uncontrollably and I asked him, “Papa, please…is it okay if I just let go for a couple of weeks and go crazy…just for a couple of weeks?” His answer, as usual, was not the religiously expected one. He said, “That’s fine. You are absolutely free to do that and have every reason to. But before you do, I would like you to consider, once you go there, if you’ll be able or want to come back.” That has given me strength to hold on…letting go would be letting them win.
@ Jeannette Altes:
“Letting go would be letting them win.” Absolutely correct! Hang tough, dear lady, you are well on the road. That dark pit becomes shallower and a little further away as the months crawl by. I fell apart (for the second time and completely) when I was 40 and it was 9 years before I could confidently say that the abyss posed no more dangers. One must be not only determined and courageous but also very effing patient! (Not my strong suit.)
But the dreadful and laborious path back to (relative) spiritual/mental healing is WELL worth it. Reality stays moored. I swing my legs out of bed in the morning, confident that gravity is still maintaining. I sometimes have joy and more often, contentment, a kind of peace. These are states of being that I’d never known and they are astonishingly beautiful. Occasionally, I sit next to God on the bench in my mind and just foolishly grin.
And also FWIW, I can now smell bullshit 100 miles off. I’ve noticed that you can, too. That alone provides an extra layer of protection lol.
@ Jeannette Altes:
One last bit before sleep. For me, a big part of beating back the abyss was learning how to handle flashbacks. They seldom, anymore, come up from behind and knock me silly. I can usually see what they are when they arrive, and I immediately back away from life and tend to myself. I have developed a strong enough observing self so as to recognize that I’ll soon be ok again even as I am going helplessly through the terror. Usually the day after a flashback, I am quite worn out, as if I’d just gotten over a bout of the flu, so I am extra generous to myself that day, too. And as time has passed, they come less often, are shorter and are less destructive.
Pete Walker offers excellent practical advice for managing flashbacks on his site: http://www.pete-walker.com/
@ Patrice:
Its funny…the ability to detect bullshit has always been there, but until I got outside the religious bubble, I misinterpreted it as being the filter of my damage warping everything. Now Ik now it is the filter og my experience warning me.
The meltdowns….its funny, now I think about it. I have had several, yet managed to function through the middle of them.
When I was 25, I saw my primary molestor for the fist time in about 10 years, He came home for Christmas. And I didm’t think anything of it…until I was almost at my grandparents house and saw him walking the dogs. And I had an unexpected intense urge to run him over. Startled me, that. I actually swerved a little.
Then home from the holidays 2 weeks and I tried to leave this world…bottle of Darvon. And drifting into the blackness, I told God I was sorry for taking this route, sorry for being so angry and not being stronger. And that room flooded with his peace in a way I have seldom felt. As I drifted out, I knew we were at peace, he and I – and I did not expect to wake up. But, 24 hours later, I did wake up. And my first thought was, “S***, I’m still here.”
Then I told a friend, who responded by telling me to get help or go away. Sigh. I decided in order to ‘take control’ of my life, I would go back to college….and while the first episode of dealing with the emotional fallout began, I began attending college – business school & software engineering, and living alone – the nightmares followed by three days without sleep. I don’t even begin to understand how I survived that or the years that followed as I bottled it back up and went into survival mode.
But here I am, saner than most, so my therapist tells me. And the ordeal of the cult produced a friend who walked that fire with me – walked it herself (bastard of a pastor took advantage of her while she came for help with an abusive husband). We walked out of there together and that friendship is worth a ton to me….we helped keep each other sane through the religious detox process – and the abuse processing ….oy!
Well, that’s probably more than any of you wanted to know. ha.
@ Patrice:
Thanks for that.
You know, I spent the bulk if my adult life thinking I was just sick and sexually perverted because these images would come unbidden into my head and cause all kinds of reactions. The shame and the guilt and the trying sooo hard not to think those things….
And a couple of years ago, while talking to Papa as I walkedd backward through my memory trying to piece together the events when I was 2 1/2, those images started coming and I suddenly realized they weren’t ‘perverted’ thoughts, they were fragments of memory….talk about freedom. When you know the truth about something you really do gain freedom from being controlled by it.
He has taught me that the statement Jesus made in Jogn 8:32 – “You will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” – doesn’t just apply to the religious / spiritual knowledge of the Christ. It does apply to that, but it actually applies to every aspect of our lives. When we know the truth, even if the truth is painful, it sets us free. It is like the pain of lancing a wound. Hurts like all get out, but after, is sweet relief….
@ Jeannette Altes:
“I suddenly realized they weren’t ‘perverted’ thoughts, they were fragments of memory….talk about freedom. When you know the truth about something you really do gain freedom from being controlled by it.” Yep. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
How beautifully we are made! We experience terrible things and our minds hide them from us so that we can endure. Later, when we are a little stronger and more mature, our minds shoot us bits&pieces of what happened so that we can start the process of extrication from evil. Even in how He/She constructed our minds, we can see the astonishingly complex and loving self of God.
“….tried to leave this world…bottle of Darvon….and I did not expect to wake up. But, 24 hours later, I did wake up. And my first thought was, “S***, I’m still here.”” I did similarly and said the exact same thing afterwards, lol. During that period, I wrote this poem:
“I do not go alone.
I call to him as I run along
the shoulder of this road
He catches me
and holds my hand
Oldest deepest friend
My lover is he
and hugging me
Death offers me his bed
Drawing blankets back
He gently beckons me
To rest in his black bed
But he waits ’til I am ready
‘Til life parts Death
‘Til death do us part”
How glad I am that time is over! Now I see death as in Dickenson’s extraordinary poem:
“Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
And Immortality.
We slowly drove—He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility—
We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess—in the Ring
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain—
We passed the Setting Sun—
Or rather—He passed Us—
The Dews drew quivering and chill—
For only Gossamer, my Gown—
My Tippet—only Tulle—
We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground—
The Roof was scarcely visible—
The Cornice—in the Ground—
Since then—’tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity—”
Jeannette and Patrice – Oh my goodness…. do you have any idea how bright the light is that the two of you are shining in dark places with this conversation? Thank you!
God turned Death
Into a gentleman
Who hands us carefully
Into the rocking boat
Who gracefully rows us
over the last roaring river
And politely debarks us
onto a spanking new shore
with suitably sour remarks.
lol
@ Patrice:
@ MM:
Thank you.
I’m glad. I’m amazed, sometimes, at how I can talk about it now. One of the hardest things I ever did was when I first opened my mouth and told someone what had happened. I actually hid in a closet for a while, first – this was only six years ago! I shook – and afterward, I cried for two days straight. And then, the second hardest thing – I had to tell a stranger. I honestly expected my therapist, in the beginning, to listen to my story, tell me it wasn’t that bad and to grow up and get over it. When I finally told her that, she was shocked….but she also understood….I’m glad others see light in these stories.
@ Patrice:
Wow – yes, how beautifully made. That is something my therapist has reminded me of during those times when I get impatient with myself and just want to remember it all right now and get it over with…..my mind will not unlock more than I can hamdle. That really frustrates me some days, but is a comfort others. 😉
Here are the words to a song I wrote to myself when I was teetering on the edge years ago….
Here we are again – just you and I, my friend.
Seems nothing I say can take the pain away.
Don’t leave me, friend.
You tell me you can’t bear to face another day’s nightmare
The pain inside your soul has taken its toll.
Don’t leave me, friend.
I know you feel you’re breaking under life’s wheel.
But you must hold on.
This pain won’t last that long.
Death is forever.
Let me help you through the hurts life throws at you.
I wish that you could see how much you mean to me.
Don’t leave me, friend.
Well, I know you feel you’re reaking under life’s wheel.
But if you stay, this pain will fade.
Stay with me, friend.
I need you, friend.
Please, don’t leave me friend.
@ Jeannette Altes:
Here are the words to a song – Onward – by Yes off of their Tormato album. It has always stuck with me…
Contained in everything I do
There’s a love I feel for you
Proclaimed in everything I write
You’re the light – burning brightly
Onward through the night
Onward through the night
Onward through the night of my life
Displayed in all the things I see
There’s a love you show to me
Portrayed in all the things you say
You’re the day – leading the way
Onward through the night
Onward through the night
Onward through the night of my life
Onward through the night
Onward through the night
Onward through the night of my life
@ Jeannette Altes:
It is good to turn the pain and distress into art, yes? It clarifies what’s actually going on inside our heads (behind our eyes) and in giving it physical form, we are also able to get a little distance from it.
“I know you feel you’re breaking under life’s wheel.
But you must hold on.
This pain won’t last that long.
Death is forever.”
Back then, I’d simply follow one hour with another (minutes were too short, days were too long), carefully placing one foot in front of the other while closing my mind to the mounting years of pain. But I would become terribly weary and sometimes couldn’t keep from looking over the months past and those to come. That is when thoughts of suicide would reappear because I wanted to be on my way to heaven. It is such a beautiful peaceful promise!
The only reason I am not dead is because I have a daughter and could not deliver such a terrible evil to the next generation. My overdose was a failure of commitment–when I woke with respirator, my first thought was, as yours, “Shit, I’m still here” and my second thought was, “Oh God, what have I done?” I felt immense shame and utter defeat.
(My daughter is ok. She graduated UMich last spring and has been seeing a therapist for a couple of years. Our relationship is growing towards health. I’ve been honest about my brokenness and how sorry I am for what it did to her. She needed a good-enough mother and she didn’t have one! I am grateful that she allows me to give to her what my mother didn’t give to me.)
Heaven continues to beckon. I won’t do anything about it, of course, because I want to go when God thinks I’m finished. My therapist says that the usual strong attachments to life are tenuous in people with complex PTSD. That is part of the damage.
Anyway, I dearly hope you are past most of that awful stage. Harrowing tales are only bearable when they’ve been well-settled into the past.
@ MM:
I’m glad you take it that way!
I honestly believe that it is from these dark places that true religion emerges. If it were up to me, the ways and means of these kinds of tales would be central to Christianity. Every rendition is another variation of the story of Christ, manifest in small broken lives and spread over a lifetime. Compared to which, any other religious concern is secondary. IMO
And the fascinating thing is that when the path taken in these stories is one of truth and love, all other secondary religious issues are touched upon at one point or another.
Patrice wrote:
Yes, writing that song pulled me back from the abyss – and I already had a foot over the edge….when the waves of emotional pain hit, it is nigh impossible to explain what is wrong. It just hurts and there are no definable exteral reasons that others (or ourselves) can see and say, “oh, that’s understandable.” No, we’re are jusr labelled over-emotional. I actually ended up spending a number of years almost completely shut down, emotionally. I didn’t get angry and I think there was about a 12 or 13 year period where I didn’t cry. When something would happen that would be a normal emotional event (like my cousin committing suicide!) all I could feel was a dull sort of coldness and I couldn’t seem to cry even when I wanted to.
I cry fairly easily, now. 🙂
Patrice wrote:
Yes! I still get weary some. Heaven beckons strongly. When I find myself there, I have to focuss on the people who need me. I never had children (never even had a relationship that might lead there), but the dear friend I spoke of has 2 boys. And I have walked with them for 8 years now while she got used by the church and thrown out, goot away from her abusive husband…and the bastard put those boys through hell. And if I checked out, it would devastate them. I know that. And that is a good thing to hold on to. But oh, the pull heaven has when the weariness sets in. A longing to just go home….
I’mm glad your daughter is well and that your relationship is healing. That is a very big deal. I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother for nearly 5 years now. And I don’t know if I ever will. I take that a day at a time.
It’s funny…one of the things most likely to trigger the tears and the flashbacks is being around a toddler or group of toddlers. My heart breaks apart every time. I think of their innocence and their vulnerability – and then I am right back to my two year old self….sigh. But even that is getting less intense.
Pastor Burleson,
You remind me Chuck Yeager, and that’s a compliment by the way. You both have the look and sureness of purpose that one sees in the raptors. Qualities highly prized in my own Native American culture.