"The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are."
C.S. Lewis
Yesterday, in the mail, we received the following hand written note from our previous church. Read the words carefully.
“Parsons Family
As a staff, we have the Great Joy of Praying for our church family. Today, your family was on the list so I wanted to write a quick note. We prayed that your family would be strengthened by the Spirit to love Christ even more! Thanks for attaching your family to xxx church. We look forward to serving with you!
In Christ,
XX
Psalm 118:68”
We were flabbergasted! You might wonder why, given that the note sounds really nice, doesn’t it? However, we formally resigned from this church about 2 years ago. I think I am safe in saying that our leave-taking was somewhat “memorable” to a few, especially the church leadership and staff. We have not been back since and we have been members of another church for about one year.
Yet two years after leaving, we are being thanked for “attaching” ourselves to this church. Attaching? This must be the newest lingo for being members. We actually went through a rather gut-wrenching process of “disattaching” ourselves from the church awhile back. This pain left some pretty significant blisters on our hearts that are once again rubbed raw upon receipt of this note.
Notice our name, Parsons family. There is no first name familiarity and no names of the kids. This is almost as bad as the letters in the mailbox addressed to "Resident".
The gentleman is supposedly looking forward to serving with us. Why? Just how forward can he look to serving with someone he doesn’t know? If the real truth were told, he has no plans in serving with us whatsoever. It just sounds very nice. In fact, that is what church is often like in America. It’s something nice and safe. None of this radical love and sacrifice stuff. That’s, well, just a bit much. Oh, and when someone ticks us off, we can still act like jerks and call them all sorts of names like sociopaths and narcissistic zeroes.
Here is what I think happened. This church has decided to show the members of the church that the staff actually “cares” about them. The sentiment is commendable. But, instead of developing authentic caring and intimacy by spending time with, and actually getting to know, the families, they have found an efficient, superficial way to demonstrate that they “care.” They divvy up the church membership, put them on a list, probably alphabetically, and tell the staff to “pray the list” and jot off a quick note about how much they “care” about the family whom they wouldn’t recognize if they bumped into them in the foyer.
It all seems so hollow; just another program with a nice check off list to pretend that we are a loving Christian community. I know a couple from this church who were involved members for 17 years. Their children grew up in the church, the parents were volunteers in the nurseries, in the teen programs, in Sunday school and in missions. Yet, after all of those years, they felt invisible and decided to leave to seek a more intimate fellowship. When they left, they told us that no one called them to ask where they were or if everything was all right. Sadly, they confirmed their unspoken fear. It was all too obvious that they didn’t matter. I wonder if they got a similar letter.
There is a song that was poignantly performed by Adam Lambert, a contestant on American Idol. This man grew up feeling very different than other kids, most likely teased and rejected. Unfortunately, he now lives a flamboyant gay lifestyle. However, he sang the following song, “Mad World”, with such feeling that one has to wonder if he was really singing about himself as a child. It almost breaks your heart to listen. The first is a video showing the lyrics of the song as he sings in the background. The second is of him actually singing an abbreviated version of the song, live on a morning show.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxGd0g-wpXA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Er9V7FqL6U&feature=related
One part of the song talks about a child going to school, feeling very nervous, and having the teacher look right through him. How many of our Christian brothers and sisters feel the same way in their churches? They go, hoping to be a part of things, but feel like they are hardly seen, especially by their pastors who sometimes seem a bit more like a celebrity than their friend and teacher. I remember the hand shaking line that Ed Young Jr. used to form outside of the meeting hall. We were efficiently lined up and he grabbed our hands, never looking in our eyes, always looking beyond to find the Dallas Cowboy or the CEO. He perfected the “look right through me” gaze. Somehow, I always got the feeling that he was “slumming” when shaking our hands.
True community and fellowship does not occur by a simple rote prayer from a list, or a rote handshake no matter how well intended. It must come with love born of a wish to intimately know the brothers and sisters who have come into your sphere by the very design of the Almighty. Such intimacy takes time and effort. How many pastors and leaders are willing to do it? It’s far easier to preach a sermon and run off to the next conference.
I so admire the dedication of one of my current pastors. He goes out of his way to pick up some men from the local jail and brings them to church. He has them to dinner and visits them in jail. He has had a profound affect on their lives. One of them, Tommy, wrote a post for this blog. Here is the link
We wonder why so many people are walking away from churches. Could it be that they never once felt a part of this “body of Christ” that we speak of so flippantly? We sing that we are “one” with our Christian companions yet how many people, deep down in their souls actually feel like they even matter.
Finally, I am not even sure what Bible verse my well-intended letter writer quoted at the end of the note. It appears to be Psalm 118:68. There is no verse 68 so perhaps he meant 6-8. Although I am not sure if this is what he meant, it is rather amusing, in light of what I have discussed. Maybe I’ll end the post on this note.
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.
8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.
Reminder: Starting Monday, we will begin listing verses for our one-year Bible reading plan. We will post them at the bottom of each post.
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This sounds so familiar. I got a call a few months ago, asking me to act as receptionist for the upcoming church photo directory. Problem was, we hadn’t been going to that church for a couple of years. We’d never formally withdrawn our membership, but we’d stopped attending and being involved. (In fact, the last time we went, I was wearing a nice pants suit… no one even spoke to me, even though we’d been going to that church for decades. But that’s another story.)
So I understand exactly what you’re talking about here, Dee.
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Tikatu
I am sorry that you understand this from personal experience. How sad it is when the church acts like a country club.
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Many of them are doing this. It is simply another marketing tactic. It is a way to look like the Body without being the Body.You are not the first people to get one from a chuch that you left a while back. I have heard this from quite a few others too. How much you wanna bet this is in some guru book? Or was recommended at some church growth conference?
It is no different than the old direct mail solicitations that tried so hard to look “personal”.. But this screams out what is wrong with the Body. How can we bear one another’s burdens if we do not know one another?
It is all very shallow.
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At least you got a letter, all I got was a facebook message from someone I wasn’t even friends with! And I had never attended the class!
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Lydia is so right; it’s just marketing. But very poor marketing at that. It reminds me of a guy who was talking about his insurance guy. Once a year, the insurance guy sends him a birthday card in bulk with the rest of his monthly birthday cards. There is no personal note. Then he makes the comment that was well worth waiting for. He said, “His insurance guy sends him a yearly reminder of why he shouldn’t be doing business with him.”
Well, Dee, there’s your wonderful reminder of why you no longer go to that impersonal establishment. That God!
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Michael
I loved your example. My heart goes out to many in the church that see this stuff and wonder why they do not feel part of the body of Christ. I thank God that He allowed me to see many things in the past years. It was those events that opened my eyes to the pain that many experience in the church and hence, the birth of this blog. Glad you’re here!
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Lydia
As usual, you are right on the money.Somehow, I don’t think you are one of the shallow ones!
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Lise
Facebook! Now that is truly getting lazy. Too funny.
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Insightful article – I liked when you wrote “We wonder why so many people are walking away from churches. Could it be that they never once felt a part of this “body of Christ” that we speak of so flippantly? We sing that we are “one” with our Christian companions yet how many people, deep down in their souls actually feel like they even matter.” After visiting almost every church in the area, I’ve found this trend…the bigger the church, the more I feel this way …immediately. The smaller churches have a more personal feel at first, because attendees know that you are new. But as we’ve found out the hard way, even in those smaller churches, you realize there is a clique mentality, and there is no room to be different and still feel accepted…part of the body. I attended a meeting for a food pantry program for the some of the children at my daughters school, and got the feeling there were few Christians in that group, and only 2 churches in the area were participating, none of which were the major evangelical churches. It was so disheartening.
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The part about the reference to Psalm 118:68 reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jdWH9N-JXI
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Junkster,
This is why we love you at TWW!!! Thank you for the laugh. You are better than an antidepressant! Everyone, watch the video for a laugh.
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like a child
There are real Christians out there. Sometimes it takes joining a few Bible studies, talking to a lot of people and you will find them. We have some friends that we call the Remnant. We found each other over the course of a few years. The real faith takes place with small groups, not the big performances on Sundays.
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Too funny, Junkster. I found this one, too, about the government that is so true!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO2eh6f5Go0&feature=related
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These stories are somewhat better than a friend I had who was excommunicated from his church (with no contact before that) when he had simply moved away and started attending another church – in the same denomination! Yes, following our pattern the typical thing would have been to get his old church to send his new church a letter to transfer membership, but he was only in the area for a short while so he didn’t. His old church didn’t call to ask what was up, although friends must’ve known he’d left the leadership apparently didn’t. His new church never asked why he didn’t join up. He laughed it off, but I found it sad.
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This article picked up by the AP on the developing Eddie Long scandal echoes many of the things TWW trumpets regularly about pastors setting themselves up above the flock: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hb5f3cNbT0eJnGa3kMFS34MCjTNwD9IF1L302
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Watcher
You are a mind reader. Guess who Deb is writing about today??
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I thought you all would jump in there. What a sad story (either way).
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Watcher,
Thanks for the article! I’m in the process of researching Eddie Long and will be focusing on him in today’s post. There seems to so much to discuss that this will probably turn into a series of posts.
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Also sad that the Drudge Report headline for this story right now is:
Sex Scandal Threatens Georgia Pastor’s Empire…
Empire is the scary word there for me. 🙁
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I told you it was a mess in Ga!
I wonder if they will now write a ” Media Resolution ” from the Georgia Baptist Convention asking them to STOP reporting facts against this Baptist Pastor…LOL?
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Doug,
Will I be violating the GBC’s Blogging Resolutions by writing about the Bishop? Well, it doesn’t matter because I’m not under their jurisdiction. I hope our upcoming series on Eddie Long will be informative.
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Bishop? This man thinks he is a KING and expects to be treated with ROYALTY and BOWING….
Remember, it was less that 3 years ago I exposed one of those within the Baptist Mafia here and oh how it was “hurting their EMPIRE ” I am still amazed at the Blogging Resolution Proclamation by the G B C and the course of action they took in an attempt to silence ” Free Speech” here in America.
How dare us blog about the real Truth and Deception of these men who seek standing ovation when they have been “attacked”….Oh me
If you need assistance on another “Pastor Gone Wild” let me know.
Not giving a standing ovation to any Pastor because I am;
Following Christ, Not Man
Doug Pittman
doug@dougpittman.com
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Might be difficult for the GBC to apply it’s Blogging Resolutions in this case, unless they want to indite another notable Baptist leader: http://www.albertmohler.com/2010/09/27/the-prior-scandal-an-absence-of-accountability
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Mohler has no room to talk. His church pastor, and our NEW NAMB PRESIDENT, refused to tell the congregation about a pervert they had working both at the church and at the school affiliated with the the church several years back who was indicted on molestation charges.
Our new Namb President also refused to testify at the trail citing pastor/laityt confidentiality..
How do they know nothing happened to kids while that man was in that church? We know it takes years for kids to report these things.
Believe me, Ezell does nothing without consulting Mohler.
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Here is the link to part of this story:
http://stopbaptistpredators.blogspot.com/2010/09/ezells-failed-leadership-on-sexual.html
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Lydia,
Once again, thank you for keeping us informed. Sounds like the topic for a future post.