"We have a strange illusion that mere time cancels sin. But mere time does nothing either to the fact or to the guilt of a sin. -C S Lewis -The Problem of Pain
"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment." -CS Lewis -The Problem of Pain
We return to The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. As we conclude our series on defining spiritual abuse, we believe that everyone in a church should read this book — pastors, elders and congregation.
What happens when you believe it's time to move on from a church that you believe is or has the potential of being abusive? There are many facets to this question. First and foremost, consider your relationship with the Lord. Does your church protect your dignity?
When you make a suggestion, do you feel the pastors listen to you? When you make your thoughts known, do you experience grace and love from those in leadership? Do you feel significant? Do you experience the joy and freedom of Christ as you serve Him in the local church? If not, why not? Do your pastors know your name? Have they ever visited with you or your family? Do they make themselves available?
How do you decide whether to stay or go if the answer to any of the questions above is a resounding, “NO?” First, we look at the issue of leaving. All further quotes are from The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse unless otherwise indicated. The authors make the following observations. “Situations do not always turn around. In light of that here is a simple rule of thumb to decide if it is wise to stay. If the leadership is grace-full, even with a group of legalistic sheep — grace has a chance. Sheep follow the lead of their shepherd.” The authors explain that if there seems to be a “bottleneck of power posturing leaders at the top…. the chances of the church changing are very slim.” (p. 215)
“By staying and contributing your time, money, and energy, are you helping something continue, when, honestly in your heart, you disagree with it?” We believe that if everyone who was doing this would stop, many unhealthy and abusive organizations would be unable to continue.” The next statement is IMPORTANT! “We also believe that if there was no such person as God, many religious places would not miss a beat.” (p.215) OUCH!
They ask the following question: “Can you stay, and stay healthy, both at the same time?” Johnson and Van Vonderen continue, “Losing your spiritual, not to mention your physical, emotional and psychological health is not worth the cost . . . Many children of spiritual-abuse victims suffer neglect because their parents are so preoccupied with trying to carry along a collapsing church.” (p.217) Double OUCH!
They say that you “should avoid looking at others to see what to do. Do not take a poll.” (p. 218)
You must “set limits as to how much of yourself you will invest if you do not see changes. Then stick to your limits.” Find good friends that will support you in your decision. (p.219)
Is it possible that your church as it exists now needs to die? Do not make the mistake of thinking that “It can’t be that bad. If it was that bad people would leave—right?” (p. 220)
One of the sure ways to get an honest opinion is to ask those outside the system. Reconnect with those who have left and are in a different church. They might be able to help you get a new perspective by comparing what they left to what they are now doing. (p.220)
Perhaps the very best question to ask is the following: “If you came today for the first time, knowing what you know now, would you stay? If the answer is no, then why are you continuing to return?” (p.221) One of us had a moment of revelation when she realized that when she attended a new church, it felt like surfacing after swimming for so very long under water. That feeling means freedom!
What happens if you decide to stay and fight? We have had some people tell us that they want to stay and change the church from “within"; however, in many instances it appears the person who has taken this course is doing the changing. They can’t “fight the man” so they stuff it and continue on. They give up a belly full of fire for an uneasy truce.
First, you must decide whom it is you serve. “The issue is not whether we will serve someone, it is who.” (p.223) The authors go on to say, “If your perspective is that you are staying to serve people, you may please people, but you might not serve them. If you stay to serve Christ, you will serve people, but you might not please them.” (p.223-224)
Then, you must be ready for the battle. You must prepare yourself for resistance.” In Acts 4, the religious leaders were furious when Peter and John healed a lame man. Why? It was obvious that Peter and John had true authority because God worked through them. The religious leaders were merely posturing authority. Peter and John were arrested and had the “can’t talk” rule imposed on them. In Acts 4:17-18, it says (religious leaders speaking) “But in order that it might not spread any further among the people, let us warn them to speak no more to any man in this name.” (p.224)
You must stand firm and keep speaking the truth. The authors have a great quote: “Saying things straight makes the crooked things look crooked.” (p.225)
“Remember who your enemy is. People are sometimes used as pawns in a great spiritual battle. The people aren’t the enemy, Satan is. (p. 227)
Remember the scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy finally sees the supposed great wizard behind the curtain? He was just a little old man. All of us are a little like the wizard behind the curtain. We posture confidence and power while in reality we are just men (or women). It is the power of God in us that allows us to battle the real enemy.
Also, keep in mind that “messes are not bad” (p.228) Woody Allen once quipped that he “wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would accept him as a member.” We are a fallen people, and we will mess up any institution because of our sinful nature. However, just because we acknowledge our sinful state doesn’t mean we shouldn’t confront the messes that we see.
“In 1 Corinthians 11:18-19 Paul is speaking to a church with infighting. He says, “For in the first place, when you come together as a church, I hear that divisions exist among you; and, in part, I believe it. For there must also be factions among you.” “Why”, query the authors. Paul continues in verse 19, “In order that those who are approved may have become evident among you.” “Division actually helps us to see who genuinely care about God and His ways from the heart.” (p.228)
Finally, do you know what a healthy church looks like? The gifts of both the members and the pastoral staff should all be contributing equally to building the body of Christ. These gifts are dedicated and should go towards our blessed Savior. In the abusive system, the members’ gifts serve only the pastoral staff. However, the pastors are no greater or lesser than any member. This is the priesthood of the believers. The least gifted member is no greater or lesser than the most charismatic pastor. Do you really believe that? We hope so.
Look at Paul Potts, the former cell phone salesmen in England. Paul walked onto the stage on Britain’s Got Talent. He looked a bit dumpy, somewhat beaten down with an ill-fitting suit and crooked teeth. When he told Simon Cowell that he was going to sing opera, Simon smirked and the audience laughed. Then, he opened his mouth. This man is now thought to be one of the greatest opera singers on par with the late, great Luciano Pavarotti. There is a movie in the works about this man’s life. We have a video for you to see his remarkable talent.
Do you really believe that quiet, slightly dumpy man sitting in the pew in front of you is hiding a beautiful talent, perhaps yet undiscovered? Maybe, you are the one with the talent. Do not let any power posturing church staff dismiss you. God is on your side, and He has given each and every one of you a gift. You do not need to be a pastor to exercise that talent. Find a church that helps you discover and use your inner “Paul Potts.”
In the coming months, we'll be continuing to cover issues of spiritual abuse in churches. Folks from all over the country who would like to tell their stories, have contacted us. There are also some high profile situations that we will be covering. Some will include the abuses within Sovereign Grace Ministries, Paige Patterson’s weird views on domestic violence and Darrell Gilyard’s (the now former “next Billy Graham”) fall from grace, among others.
We believe the average Christian in the pew of America's churches has little idea of the rapid changes occurring within Christendom. What we are uncovering has been frightening! We're not talking about atheism or liberal Christianity. We're discovering some extremely serious problems among those who label themselves as conservative Christians. We hope our blog will help keep you informed of these trends along with our personal analysis.
Next week we'll analyze the enormous amount of money to be had in the Christian book, CD, and convention world. Is your pastor spending more time speaking at conferences than in your home church? The answer might surprise you.
As the antics in Wonderland continue to unfold, we'll keep you informed. When the king’s commission makes its report and recommendations, we'll provide our thoughts. We may also post the Fellowship of the Wounded’s initial letter, along with other pertinent documents, if the situation warrants such action.
Please enjoy the world’s first look at Paul Potts. It cannot be embedded so just click the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEo5bjnJViA