A TWW Tutorial: How to Ask Intelligent Questions About What Happened to Victims at Highlands Community Church, WA

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” ― Voltaire


This post is written for the members of Highlands Community Church in Renton, Washington. From what I can tell, this is your average, nondenominational church with a large staff. This is also written for the many members of other churches who have had to deal with abusers in their midst. Consider this a tutorial on how to look beyond carefully constructed words that might be leading you in a direction away from the actual problems at hand.

I have received communication from members of this church who asked me to take a look at what happened. Yesterday, I contacted the church and said I would be posting on this matter today. I asked to speak with someone in the church administration who could answer my questions. I did not receive a callback.

The more I read, and reread, the following letter and viewed the video, the more I realized that a number of questions have not been answered by the pastors. In the end, maybe everything is hunky-dory. However, I personally watched a church which, in my opinion, mishandled a pedophile situation. I wished I had asked a lot more questions. Since that time, I’ve written a multitude of stories on abuse in local churches. I believe that every church member has an obligation to ask the tough questions and not assume that everything is being “handled.” I believe that every church leader has an obligation to answer the questions of members.

I will be posting my comments and questions into the body of the letter sent to the members of the church. My comments will be bolded and italicized. The video precedes the letter.


The video from the church

Pastors/leaders: The reason your church members shared this with me is quite simple. They have questions and are uncomfortable sharing those questions with you. Maybe you all can figure out why that is.

The letter from the church

June 11, 2020

Highlands Family, we have some difficult news to share with you today regarding the termination of Derek Nelson’s employment at Highlands and the circumstances surrounding his termination. Please watch the video above as Lead Pastor Jesse Campbell and Chairman of the Elder Board Glenn Joslin share a statement from Highlands.

It is my understanding that Derek Nelson was responsible for the high school program in the church. If this is wrong, could someone correct me?

Within the last two weeks, Highlands leadership was made aware of accusations of inappropriate sexual behavior committed by Derek Nelson against multiple adults. The very minute we were approached with this information, we took action. The accusations have been investigated and confirmed to be accurate, including by Derek’s own admission. Immediately upon confirmation that the accusations were true, Derek Nelson’s employment at Highlands was terminated.

It is good that Derek Nelson admitted his sexual behavior because it gave instant credence to the stories of the victims. It appears the victims came forward to the church leadership.

As a church and as an organization, we will not tolerate sexually inappropriate behavior committed by staff.

We grieve for the adult victims and recognize their courage in coming forward. Please join us in praying for them. We will be doing everything we can to provide them with ongoing care and support, including professional counseling independent from Highlands.

Please note these two words: adult and victims. 

  • What does the church mean by adults? Does this simply mean that all of the victims were of consenting age? The age of consent in Washington state is 16. Were any of these adults 16, 17 or 18?

  • Were any of these victims members of the high school program at the church? In other words, they were of legal age to give consent to a sexual act but were still in high school?

  • If they were victims, did they consent to these sexual acts?

  • If they did not give consent, this would be a matter for law enforcement. Was law enforcement contacted?

  • Has the church counseled the victims not to ask for legal redress in this matter? According to their stand on abuse in marriage, it appears that they do not believe the victims should seek any legal redress outside of asking for the involvement by law enforcement.

  • Has the church asked an independent, third-party investigative group like G.R.A.C.E. to review the steps the church took?

  • Were these victims female or males? This is not made clear in the letter.

  • How many victims were harmed?

  • Will the victims be allowed to seek counseling outside of the *approved counselors* of the church? Here is a statement from the website.

    COUNSELING: Highlands pastors provide counseling for individuals and couples, offering biblically-based solutions, encouragement, and prayer.   Highlands also provides referrals to Christian counselors who have been prescreened in accordance with biblical standards.

  • Do these Christian counselors hold actual degrees in counseling such as MSW, Ph.D., etc? Have they received trauma-informed training?
     

We also recognize that Derek and his family will have a difficult and painful road ahead. We are heartbroken for them. We are likewise coming alongside them, and providing them with independent professional counseling, and all the support and care that we can. Please pray with us, for each of them. For Derek, we pray specifically that spiritual restoration would one day be possible. Because we love Derek and his family- the hurt runs deep.

What does the church mean by *spiritual restoration?*
Does this mean restoration to the church body or restoration to the pastorate?
Since this sexual activity took place while he was a pastor and involved men, women, or students, why should he be allowed to return to his position? (I suggest that they don’t use the *David was forgiven* argument because it will make them sound Biblically illiterate when I have to write a post about it.)

We additionally recognize that you, as part of our church, will be impacted to varying degrees by this difficult news. Derek’s actions have caused broken trust, which will take time to heal. We are here for you, as you process this news and as you grieve. Our prayer for you, is that his sinful actions in the midst of otherwise fruitful ministry would not stain your view of God’s holy and perfect Word. There is hope and healing for all, found only in Jesus.

At Derek’s request, we have agreed to share the following message that he has written to our church family:

“I was recently confronted about some choices and hidden sin in my life that went unchecked that I have since confessed to, and take responsibility for. I am embarrassed and ashamed. Because of these choices, and my lack of accountability and the biblical qualifications for my position, I will no longer be part of the staff at Highlands.” Derek went on to say: “Words can’t express my heart for this church and the people who have shaped my life and that I’ve served with. Highlands has been my home and family and has a beautiful future. I am devastated, and incredibly sorry for my sin. I ask for your forgiveness for not being above reproach. I covet your prayers for me and my family as I focus on clinging to the hope and healing that is only found in God’s Word and rebuilding trust in relationships I’ve damaged because of this. I pray by His grace, I will personally experience the depths of God’s love and redeeming work over time in my life moving forward and see God use this painful season for His glory.” – Derek Nelson

Whoa, whoa whoa! Did you catch this? If you don’t know what I mean, reread his statement. I am surprised that the pastors allowed this to be read to the members. Still confused? Read it again and see if he asks for forgiveness from his victims. Remember, the church statement called them victims. Did he address the pain he has caused the victims? Nope, nada, zippo… I don’t think that this guy is repentant. This statement is self-centered. Lots of *I* and *my* words.

At this point, I would ask the church if it is possible that Derek has been involved in this behavior prior to coming to the church? He doesn’t sound sufficiently sad.

As you process all of this in the coming days, you will likely have some additional questions. In order to protect the adult victims, we are limited in what details we can share. However, we are making an FAQ section available below, which should address some of the questions that you have. In addition, we welcome you to submit any questions to our Elder board, using the form on the elder’s page of our website. For the protection of the victims, Derek’s family, and the church, we ask that you not share this information outside the church community or on social media.

Highlands Family- once again we ask that you join us in praying for all involved, first and foremost for the victims and those who have been impacted and hurt. Pray also for the hearts of those who may hear this news and call their faith into question. Even in the midst of this trial, we believe that God will build His Church and that the gates of hell will not stand against it. We love you Highlands Family.

Jesse Campbell
Lead Pastor

Glenn Joslin
Chairman of the Elders

FAQ’S
Are we aware of any victims who were minors?
No. The victims who have come forward were adults when the sexually inappropriate behavior occurred. There have been no allegations or suspicions of inappropriate behavior against minors and at this point, we have no reason to think that Derek ever acted inappropriately with minors.

What do they mean by minors?

How many were harmed?

How is Highlands caring for the victims?
We are doing everything we can to advocate and care for the victims who have come forward, including providing professional counseling independent of Highlands.

How is Highlands caring for the Nelson family?
We are heartbroken for the Nelson family and recognize the difficult road ahead. We are coming alongside them, to provide them with independent professional counseling, and all the support and care that we can. Please pray with us, for each of them.

Who can I speak with about this, as I process my own grief?
We encourage you to speak with any of our staff team that you know or call the church ( ed. I deleted the phone number) so that we can connect you with someone from our pastoral team. We are here for you and desire to care for your heart as you process a range of emotions.

Who can I share this information with?
This is a matter that impacts our church family and we ask that it stay within our church community. While we are committed to transparency within our community, for the protection of the victims, Derek’s family, and the protection of our church, we would ask that you refrain from sharing about this publicly, particularly on social media.

Should I reach out to Derek?
The Elders of Highlands will be caring for Derek and his family. If you feel deeply compelled to reach out to Derek, please do so with grace and honesty.

What will happen to Derek’s former position on staff? (Executive Pastor of Ministries and Leadership Development)
The current short-term plan is that Derek’s former responsibilities will be divided among the staff.

How can I ask additional questions?
We invite everyone who has additional questions on this matter to submit those to our board of Elders, using the contact form on our elders’ page: highlandscc.org/elders.

Folks, always ask your questions. If they tell you that you are causing trouble or try to shut you up. then you need to find another church. Ask about these victims. Make sure they are actually getting financial support for the offered counseling. I was in a church in which we were told victims were getting counseling. They weren’t. We had to ask lots of questions until the truth was uncovered. Oh yeah, I had to leave that church and I found a  great church home.

Comments

A TWW Tutorial: How to Ask Intelligent Questions About What Happened to Victims at Highlands Community Church, WA — 72 Comments

  1. The whole statement seems a whole lot more concerned about Derek and not talking about this outside the church than the victims.

    Why don’t these churches learn?

  2. Although the letter does give members permission to contact Derek, it also seeks to design the discussion in a particular way: call the elder of your choice.

    If I were in this church, I would see this revelation as the start of a long, complex discussion, not the finish. It takes years for intimate, sensitive groups to recover from betrayal and harm. Trying to limit the discussion can silence and isolate people who need the chance to talk, whether or not they were victimized.

    They also seem to think they have identified all of the victims, and that their only job is to field questions in private.

    Confidentiality is a major issue, but I think they should offer a well-designed meeting where any concerned member can show up and ask questions.

    I wonder if the known victims were asked what they wanted? They deserve the choice about whether to keep their own situations private or whether to speak out.

    It would be amazing if someone said calmly, “This man did this to me, in my very own church.” That would break down stigma.

  3. Same pattern of sidelining the victims, empathizing with the abuser, and attempting to control the communications.

    It is disgusting.

  4. The victims were adults?

    Consenting adults?

    Adult, by law, teenagers under his supervision??

    It makes a world of difference people.

  5. “They [church members] have questions and are uncomfortable sharing those questions with you [leaders]. Maybe you all can figure out why that is.”

    This is a non-profit where the church members hard-earned $$$ in their work-a-day-world are funding the leadership via donations, right?

    At the very least, the workers footing the bill should be asking questions of the living-off-their-donations-leadership. The very least.

    So, “Maybe you all can figure out why that is” is a great place to start.

    Excellent starting point.

    (BTW, the “adult” victim terminology stood out from the get-go, as if the leader is saying, code, that adult should have known better, that adult who knew what they were doing, gaslighting the should-have-known-better adult, making them equally or even MORE responsible to have entrapped a preacher boy, IWO adult victim: it’s their fault. Two adults = consensual.)

    How about calling the “adult victim” a witness of the preacher’s moral fail, the disqualifying event in his life to be a preacher or in leadership of a church? Time for him to pivot, new vocation. And there’s more than one witness? Yes, unqualified. Turn over a new leaf, adult man.

  6. ishy: The whole statement seems a whole lot more concerned about Derek and not talking about this outside the church than the victims.

    It’s the Gospel According to Beavis & Butthead:
    “DEREK SCOOOOOOORED! HEH-HUH! HEH-HUH! HEH-HUH!”

  7. The part of Derek’s ‘confession’ that really jumped out at me was “I ask for your forgiveness for not being above reproach”. That translates to me as, “I’m not perfect folks, so sorry about that…” which is totally sin-leveling, IMHO. If you’ve snuck some candy into a movie theater in a purse rather than buying from the concession area, that’s also an ethically suspect action, and thus that could render one “not above reproach”. In any event, he’s absolutely not confessing to victimizing or hurting anyone or using his influence in a negative way – he’s just vaguely acknowledging that he’s done some things that he might not should have done.

  8. “For Derek, we pray specifically that spiritual restoration would one day be possible.”
    ++++++++++++++++++

    what is this mystical state of being, known by the buzzwords ‘spiritual restoration’?

    (more specifically, how do the leaders of Highlands Community Church define this term?)

  9. elastigirl,

    Good question!
    Wondered about this: What in the world are they talking about? And you put it perfectly.
    A mystical-state-of-buzzword-being.
    Is it the guise of a pity/empathy party for the offender?
    (Brings to mind the applause for CSO Savage. Tone deaf?)

  10. Bridget: Consenting adults?

    If Derek was in a position of leadership authority over the adults, this blurs the notion of consent. He might well have used his position to make them feel special. He might even have blackmailed or threatened them. Note that there was more than one victim, suggesting that he might have used the church as his hunting ground.

    But let’s assume that one or more adults actually pursued Derek. He still had 1) a professional, vocational, and legal obligation to say no, and 2) a wife and children.

  11. At my old church, a woman (not a member) asked for a counseling session with a young pastor. During the session, she climbed up onto his desk and began removing her clothes.

    He immediately left the room, yelling for her to stop, and called for help. The woman was mentally ill and in need of intervention. The pastor chose not to take advantage.

  12. What is the state law about clergy abuse, or counselor abuse, of “adults”? The issue of clergy abuse is not even mentioned.

    Since Derek may have worked with high school age people, he likely worked with or preyed upon people outside the church. They may not receive this letter! And the members were asked NOT to tell outsiders about this. Smh

    The church did not ask members to contact the elders and police about any problems the members may know about. These situations always call for further investigation to find other sins and crimes.

  13. Friend,

    I wonder why they won’t say how many people were victimized nor what their gender was? Add to that the insistence, over and over, that these were adults makes me suspicious that they are going by the age of consent which could be problematic.

  14. Raswhiting: Since Derek may have worked with high school age people, he likely worked with or preyed upon people outside the church. They may not receive this letter! And the members were asked NOT to tell outsiders about this. Smh

    I suspect this is a bad situation and the church is making it worse.

  15. Rich: “I ask for your forgiveness for not being above reproach”. That translates to me as, “I’m not perfect folks, so sorry about that…” which is totally sin-leveling,

    I agree. Derek appears to make this all about a simple sin ust like cussing at a guy who cut you off on the highway. I am worried that the church leadership is playing along.

  16. dee: I wonder why they won’t say how many people were victimized nor what their gender was? Add to that the insistence, over and over, that these were adults makes me suspicious that they are going by the age of consent which could be problematic.

    I’m wondering how long Derek work at this church. How many years did he have to spend grooming his victims, until they reached the age of legal consent???

  17. Ava Aaronson,

    i think it’s just standard public relations rhetoric for HR-but-christian. and so they can check the biblical box.

    cut-&-paste boilerplate.

    no one knows what it means. so professional christians define it for themselves. which will include a plan to get the person back on christian payroll somewhere.

    this is an insurance policy for themselves. in case it ever turns out that they aren’t above reproach, either.

  18. Nancy2(aka Kevlar),

    “I’m wondering how long Derek work at this church. How many years did he have to spend grooming his victims, until they reached the age of legal consent???”
    +++++++++++++++

    i did some checking. Seems since 1995. it seems for most of those years his title was Pastor of Students and Children.

    …well, that gave me a shiver.

    (i’ll pastor my own children, thank you very much)

  19. To reiterate:

    “Who can I share this information with?
    “This is a matter that impacts our church family and we ask that it stay within our church community. While we are committed to transparency within our community, for the protection of the victims, Derek’s family, and the protection of our church, we would ask that you refrain from sharing about this publicly, particularly on social media.”

    This makes it harder to identify victims outside the church. It also pre-loads blame of church members, including victims, who dare speak out.

  20. Once again…when limited information is given people frequently think the worst….and if there were teenagers involved then people need to remember that sexual activity with them is a crime by a person over them …not just a sin.

  21. Just looked at his LinkedIn, this guy is nearing 50 years old (started university in 1990). That puts even more doubt, in my mind, about the extent to which he could be with “adults” and have it be a very coercive unhealthy relationship [to me, if it were a 30-year-old youth pastor dating a 22-year-old, it wouldn’t be nearly so clear-cut]. But they’ve given zero details, so it’s very hard to comment specifically about what’s going on – and I think that’s by design.

  22. Rich: That puts even more doubt, in my mind, about the extent to which he could be with “adults” and have it be a very coercive unhealthy relationship

    I wonder what his wife and children would say about this.

    Last I checked, it’s not acceptable for married pastors with children of their own to have sexual contact with young adults who aged out of their youth groups.

  23. Friend: If Derek was in a position of leadership authority over the adults, this blurs the notion of consent. He might well have used his position to make them feel special. He might even have blackmailed or threatened them. Note that there was more than one victim, suggesting that he might have used the church as his hunting ground.

    Also, given that they are elder-led, there’s a level of assumed authority here that goes beyond your average church. I noticed this line in their description of elders: “all elders are responsible for the shepherding of the congregation which includes both ruling and teaching”. Ruling? Really?

    They do seem to have a distinction between elders and staff, and it appears they’ve already taken Derek’s bio down, so I’m not sure if he was both. Some of them are, including the “lead” pastor. But in that kind of church, pastors are often held on the same level of authority over members as elders, but have different jobs.

    I have see threats and coercion in person at churches like this. It’s a possibility.

  24. ishy: I have see threats and coercion in person at churches like this. It’s a possibility.

    I feel like we see threats and coercion from the current elders just in their statement…

  25. I felt Pastor Jesse was very theatrical (for lack of a better word) in the video. The way he said certain words with different odd inflections. And as many have already commented his repeated use of “adult”.
    It could just be his regular speech pattern but I found his delivery off putting and phony.

  26. He was “Derek Nelson, Pastor of Students and Children” as recently as last summer:

    https://www.vanderbloemen.com/news/highlands-community-church-hires-student-pastor

    …when they brought in a guy from troubled church Far Hills Baptist (Dayton, Ohio).

    TWW readers may recall none other than Chris Conlee was once ‘Pastor of Maturity’ at Far Hills, it also had a “restoration” mess:

    http://thewartburgwatch.com/2018/01/12/highpoint-church-hits-a-low-point-in-the-wake-of-the-andy-savage-debacle/#comment-354529

  27. ishy:

    “all elders are responsible for the shepherding of the congregation which includes both ruling and teaching”. Ruling? Really?
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++

    All the better for checking the biblical box.

    (while leaving the sensible and reasonable boxes blank)

  28. Jerome,

    ‘Pastor of Maturity’
    +++++++++++++++

    I think Pastor of Menopause comes next.

    (…just can’t get over this)

  29. Fran
    Looking at pastor Jesse Campbell picture of his family, introducing them to Highland church, there is the little girl
    Without a top? Strange feelings, odd, and he is the lead pastor.

  30. Friend,

    You’re preaching to the choir!

    My point is that this letter does not ask or inform about any of these distinctions. The letter is wholly inadequate.

  31. dee:
    Friend,

    I wonder why they won’t say how many people were victimized nor what their gender was? Add to that the insistence, over and over, that these were adults makes me suspicious that they are going by the age of consent which could be problematic.

    Dee. AOC in WA is not 16. It’s “16”
    followed with a big asterisk. There may be significant readon to not discuss the issue outside the congregation. Someone may very well ask the age of the staffmember and the overall context.

    “..RCW 9A.44.010 (Definitions)

    . . . (2) “Sexual contact” means any touching of the sexual or other intimate parts of a person done for the purpose of gratifying sexual desire of either party or a third party.

    . . . (7) “Consent” means that at the time of the act of sexual intercourse or sexual contact there are actual words or conduct indicating freely given agreement to have sexual intercourse or sexual contact.

    RCW 9A.44.093 (Sexual misconduct with a minor in the first degree)

    (1) A person is guilty of sexual misconduct with a minor in the first degree when: (a) The person has, or knowingly causes another person under the age of eighteen to have, sexual intercourse with another person who is at least sixteen years old but less than eighteen years old and not married to the perpetrator, if the perpetrator is at least sixty months older than the victim, is in a significant relationship to the victim, and abuses a supervisory position within that relationship in order to engage in or cause another person under the age of eighteen to engage in sexual intercourse with the victim; …”…

  32. RE: “ The very minute we were approached with this information, we took action. The accusations have been investigated and confirmed to be accurate, including by Derek’s own admission.”

    The elders “investigated” apparently without outside expertise. Derek confessed to only what they confirmed. Who knows what else a competent investigation might have found.

    If he has been at the church many years, a better letter needs to go to people who attended in the past. Most churches have lots of turnover.

  33. Friend,

    “In the tradition of Lloyd Bridges in “Sea Hunt,” no doubt”
    +++++++++++

    gospel hero wearing gospel skull cap, gospel little face peeking through, gospel dive mask,…

    yeah, that looks about right.

  34. Friend,

    “…shark…”
    +++++++++++++

    sigh….. a “gospel-shark”, no doubt.

    which will then be stuffed, mounted and displayed as a hopeful symbol of gospel-virility.

  35. I’ve always believed in giving credit where credit is due, and to their credit, they did fire Nelson.
    If underage minors were the victims, they should continue to do the right thing, step aside, and let Law Enforcement take over.

  36. elastigirl: I think Pastor of Menopause comes next.

    This just cracked me up. What is ironic is that might actually be a useful addition to a pastoral staff.

  37. Sarah M.,

    “might actually be a useful addition to a pastoral staff.”
    ++++++++++

    yeah…. just watch it be a man.

    gotta be biblical, after all.

  38. Muff Potter: If underage minors were the victims, they should continue to do the right thing, step aside, and let Law Enforcement take over.

    Absolutely. It seems that the known victims were at least 18, but I guess the part that is troubling is that he apparently had access to youth. I commend their swift action, but given that access, I think further investigation needs to be done. It would have been better if they had just said all victims were at least 18 at the time of their victimization, in order to clarify that point, at least. I understand the need to protect the privacy of the victims, but I also understand the need to protect possible future victims and also reach out to prior victims who may not yet be identified. What a mess.

    Dee’s post is an excellent tutorial on how to think about these situations and sift through the statements. I hope the elders are providing the *professionally licensed* independent counseling they promised. That was not clear, as Dee pointed out, and it is absolutely critical. I’m thinking right now of two instances right off the top of my head that were disasters due to bungled “counseling.” Finally, I think this is disqualifying. I do not think that anyone is entitled to occupy the position of pastor/elder. Lots of licensed professionals lose their licenses for misconduct.

  39. He was an authority figure.

    The rest, you’ve said, especially “restoration” – haha – and hedges around “counselling”.

    Before I looked at / listened to any detail just the look in their eyes and what they do with their elbows told me volumes: they were gangsters or “comedy actors”. They would come over as ignorant no matter what they were going to be talking about. The wild eyes especially. The weird spoken tones. The way they sit well apart, pretending to be tilted towards each other (as if they’ve got something on each other).

    Then the momentous choice of phrases rang lots of bells for me from only slightly different contexts (being taken for various rides).

  40. elastigirl: what is this mystical state of being, known by the buzzwords ‘spiritual restoration’?
    (more specifically, how do the leaders of Highlands Community Church define this term?)

    Totally agree with you.

  41. Friend: If Derek was in a position of leadership authority over the adults, this blurs the notion of consent. He might well have used his position to make them feel special. He might even have blackmailed or threatened them. Note that there was more than one victim, suggesting that he might have used the church as his hunting ground.

    All of this should be answered by the church. But I doubt it will. Of I were to guess, based on their actions, they are afraid of a lawsuit. That is oen thing that churches are afraid of the most. They’ll fight culture wars, etc. But lawsuits….goodness! Jesus doesn’t take care of that. They have to…

  42. After reading the article and watching their video, something seems very scripted about all of it, as if it were written by a lawyer, PR man–or BOTH! It appears that they’re more concerned with performing ‘damage control’ and salvaging the church’s reputation rather than helping the victims. Yes, they did the right thing by firing him, but issuing a ‘gag order’ to the congregation isn’t the way to approach this. People are going to talk, and there should even be encouragement to let them do so and let them ask the tough questions, without this whole ‘shame-on-you-for-talking’ routine. Trying to put a lid on it and having just partial transparency only makes people wonder what else might have happened.

    I also find the “adult victims” verbiage rather alarming. It almost seems to suggest that since adults were involved, that it’s not as bad as it would have been had it occurred with minors. But at the end of the day, he still abused his office as pastor to have sexual encounters with people whether they were adults or minors. The whole thing is disgusting, sickening and quite unbecoming of the Bride of Christ. And no, I really don’t think he’s sorry–only sorry that he got caught!

  43. What was done vs. what responsible parties say happened.

    This article about a situation of abuse (predator & victim, a victim who was a consenting adult in the relationship but then was preyed upon) has classic abuser justification quotes. The abuser’s documented actions though, speak the truth. The abuser’s words of recalling what he did sound almost like poetry. Tragic. Word play. Deception. Lies.

    https://www.thedailybeast.com/inside-the-horrifying-johnny-depp-amber-heard-court-case-from-cocaine-tantrums-to-creepy-james-franco?ref=home

    As this TWW post emphasizes: Question with critical thinking the narrative that the responsible party puts out there. What would the *adult* victim say? I don’t see their voice in the church’s narrative.

  44. Ava Aaronson: Question with critical thinking the narrative that the responsible party puts out there. What would the *adult* victim say?

    That probably won’t be known until the victim or victims say something. I do think it is important to distinguish between adults and children. I also think that spiritual “authorities” have a lot of influence over some adults which gets discounted far too much by too many in the case of adult victims. I’ve never been a victim, so I have no idea how any one might feel. Shame? Rage? Forgiveness? Embarrassment? A desire to forget the whole thing?

  45. Gram3: I’ve never been a victim, so I have no idea how any one might feel. Shame? Rage? Forgiveness? Embarrassment? A desire to forget the whole thing?

    My situation in youth group was handled silently after I accidentally divulged it to a pastor. Nobody acknowledged that it was wrong. It took me years to understand what had happened.

    My “boyfriend” no longer came to youth group, but glowered at me in silent rage during other church activities. He continued hanging out socially with other youth group kids.

    I kept pining for him and wondering why he wouldn’t talk to me.

    It would have been so easy to shame me into silence about this: “We wouldn’t want people to know what happened to you. We’ll help you keep it a secret.” Maybe with a little “It never happened before and he promises it won’t happen again, and you don’t want to ruin his future.”

    Only after coming to TWW did I realize that he probably had more victims. There was also very likely another assailant at the church.

  46. Wow! This really hits close to home for me. Highlands is one of the larger, more “stable” churches in the area. (Contrast to neighboring Mars Hill mania a few years ago.) While our family never attended the main service, we were involved with several outreach ministries. It’s a very neighborhood oriented, serving place. I know several people who attend there.
    Anyway, YES the video is definitely CREEPY!! I went to the website and there is no warning or information about this at all. The secretive “Don’t Tell anyone about this!”is dangerous and deceptive for all the reasons already mentioned. And the warning to “not bring anything against an elder.” So, how are other “part timers” like me to know about this? What if there are more victims? Or younger victims? Derek’s been there a looong time!! Just when I think this stuff can’t get any worse!

  47. Bridget,

    looks very enlightening! maybe i’ll start a book club and invite my former pastor. what fun that would be!

    Thanks for the recommendation!

    (i love recommendations (books, music, films, food) — saves time)

  48. Friend: My situation in youth group was handled silently after I accidentally divulged it to a pastor. Nobody acknowledged that it was wrong.

    How do you think the leaders should have communicated your abuse to the congregation or part of the congregation in a way that would have brought healing to you? I can’t imagine how painful the shunning of the group and your boyfriend was after going through the abuse and having the carry that secret. When the group did not acknowledge it was wrong, that seems to me like they were almost blaming you. Or perhaps I have that wrong, too. It might have been easy to shame you into silence, but that is the last thing they should have done for the good of the church, for the good of you, the good of other victims, and for the good of the perpetrator.

  49. So… Hello everyone. I’m a few days late, but I’m here.

    As my username suggests, I’m the one who forwarded the email to Dee.

    If any of you have any questions, I can try to answer, but I likely will not be able to give much more information than what you all already know.

    Anyways, I am glad to have been shown this sight. It’s really nice.

  50. Gram3,

    They should have told me that my “boyfriend” abused my innocence and trust. They should have told me that he was barred from working with the youth group as a result, and that this was a good thing for the group’s safety. And they actually should have instructed him not to associate with other teens.

    At the time, no #metoo vocabulary or infrastructure existed, so I had real problems identifying exactly what was wrong. Nevertheless I was deeply harmed, and I knew and felt that.

    The topic was out there, not completely taboo. Our church leaders intervened when a youth group kid flashed people at a shopping center. They also acted when a group from a nearby church thought—wrongly—that their pastor had committed an offense against a young adult male. (That latter case involved blackmail, and I had already known the young man for years. He is still in the news for various criminal con-artist schemes.)

  51. Whistleblower: Hello everyone.

    Welcome to TWW! I don’t know how many folks will still be posting comments to this conversation, but your efforts are deeply appreciated.

  52. Friend: Welcome to TWW! I don’t know how many folks will still be posting comments to this conversation, but your efforts are deeply appreciated.

    Thank you so much and you’re welcome. Yes, I am definitely slow, but I am here just in case. 🙂

  53. Friend,

    I think that, as soon as they discovered the abuse, the responsible adults should have definitely intervened immediately to prevent further harm and also to reassure you that you would be protected and ministered in whatever way was appropriate to you and the others in the group. That is their responsibility, and they failed you and the others. Teens are confused about lots of things because they are not adults, and adults often don’t handle things well. But adults who work with teens need to be prepared *ahead of time* for things that foreseeably can come up, and this is one of the things that forseeably can come up. I’m so sorry it happened to you.

  54. I was a volunteer in the High School program for the past 4 years as my kiddo was in high school at the time. Although this church says its non-denominational, it is very SBC. If you take a look at Jesse’s bio you will see that he went to an SBC seminary. Their stance on women is heavy handed complementarian. They use books such as Love and Respect as their guide. Interestingly, this is strike two for them as their music director (don’t recall his name or actual title) was also let go a couple of years ago due to “sexual misconduct”. They wouldn’t say exactly what the offense was, but led you to think it was just an affair or something. SBC and churches that hold a complementarian view seem to have way more issues with this.

  55. Whistleblower:
    So… Hello everyone. I’m a few days late, but I’m here.

    As my username suggests, I’m the one who forwarded the email to Dee.

    If any of you have any questions, I can try to answer, but I likely will not be able to give much more information than what you all already know.

    Anyways, I am glad to have been shown this sight. It’s really nice.

    Is there any update to this situation? I feel strange knowing many people who are associated with Highlands, yet not sure what to say or who knows what information. I assume they are left in the dark? I’d like to see leadership be more straightforward about what happened and leave the door open for other victims (adult or other) to come forward.

    Please continue to update us!

    Also, glad you found your way here. TWW is a God send.

  56. Rain Girl: Is there any update to this situation? I feel strange knowing many people who are associated with Highlands, yet not sure what to say or who knows what information. I assume they are left in the dark?

    As I understand, the e-mail was sent out to all church members, but not non-members
    associated with Highlands in other ways. If you have the social position to ask Highlands members about their thoughts, and raise awareness to other people associated with Highlands, well – more people asking questions increases the chance of the truth coming to light!

  57. Rain Girl: Is there any update to this situation? I feel strange knowing many people who are associated with Highlands, yet not sure what to say or who knows what information. I assume they are left in the dark? I’d like to see leadership be more straightforward about what happened and leave the door open for other victims (adult or other) to come forward.

    Please continue to update us!

    Also, glad you found your way here. TWW is a God send.

    I’m sorry for the late reply. So far I have found out nothing from both what has been said in the online sermon videos my family has listened to and the emails that have been sent out. It’d be nice to be told something, but, again, nothing has been told that I’ve notice.

    Also, I definitely am glad for having been shown TWW.