*******Major trigger warning for self injurious issues please be warned. *****

I will share something – I have to be a bit vague because of confidentiality, but all of the people I worked with back then have passed on. To a one they died very horrid deaths that lingered for months and years. I try to avoid emotions knowing Satan lurks inside almost every single emotion, especially grief, sadness, joy, hope, and well basically all emotions. I don't believe that but it was preached strongly in my younger life. A thanksgiving with some folks I worked with at the developmental center, I worked a double on thanksgiving, which means the day and evening shift. So I brought in a tv with vcr and some treats and a whole bunch of vcr tapes with Thanksgiving themes.

I set it up in their room / dorm ten ladies of a variety of developmental issues and age. One lady had a disorder where she was self injurious, she tore her hair out down to the bone, literally scratched so deep you saw the bone. She took out an eye, literally with a fork. Bit herself so badly she would rip the flesh off her skin and she would put objects into um nevermind. She was a smart lady and I had made a connection, because she did creative art projects with body fluids most did not really care to be around her too much. Another lady had the idea that banging her head into a cement wall until she almost knocked herself out was somewhat common. Being bitten, slapped, pushed down stairs, hit with chairs, frying pans, other people etc was quite common.

But that Thanksgiving these people sat and watched these movies, we sang songs, listened to music and I have never had a closer fellowship than with these ten people. To this day I remember that weekend. These people defined me, right down to my soul these events are three decades old. I have been in the same field for basically 34 years. Because of my many injuries I am paying a very high price emotionally and physically for working with this population. But I could not leave them, I count that a spiritual, human, moral, failure of monumental proportions. But I am what I am.

I must admit I question God’s wisdom after reading about so much brutality and vicious treatment these people suffered. I have often screamed at God praying He take me out. I remember looking up at the sky after the horrid death of a student I worked with and begging God to do me a favor, right here right now take me out, just do something. I am glad God did not answer that prayer. Most evangelicals would consider me an atheist or wolf. Which is fine especially a wolf, they are noble and majestic creatures that are far more loyal to their tribe than most of us to our tribe. Wolves are noted for their “faithfulness” to their mates, they are caring parents, and they are not liars. In reality wolves do not pretend to be prey, they are hunters and they do not hide that fact. We are hunters as well, I mean unless you are vegan, which I really respect but have not been able to emulate. Sheep not so much, sheep won't fight for each other, sheep sort of just dote along, sheep are not the brightest bulb in the lamp.

These people I worked with saved my soul in a strange kind of way. I still remember almost all of them, the good and the well, awful. There are some horrors that can't be explained, full on psychotic breaks are one of those. Someone who is just totally losing it, they can become extremely, I mean put you in intensive care kind of crazy. I tried to share some of this, always keeping confidentiality. Next to working with suicide and crisis and missing kids (which I could not hack too long). Dead kids are just to hard for me, another reason I did not do well on the child units. It was just hard to watch. My hats of to the nurses / care providers on the child oncology units, etc.

My mother worked in icu for decades and I worked a bit with her, she took care of kids who had poles through their head, bread dead babies, crazy priests who would come on the ward when a mother had to get a dnc, do to a Ectopic pregnancy and the alcoholic priest running around the unit screaming the mother is going to hell. My mom had no problem telling him to blank blank. We are a rather weird family. My mother’s dna bs meter saved me from many cults, it is painful at times but it has been helpful.

I don't understand why I am sharing all this, but I just needed a place to say this. Thank you for letting me share, I am not a very strong person, never have been. I guess it skips a generation in my genealogy.