"For those of you parents who may be reading this, please consider whether there is something you should say to your kids before it may be too late. One way or another, death will separate you for a time…if not for eternity."
Anita Martin
Dee and I have promised to focus on Bill Gothard as often as possible, and we do our best to keep our promises. We have been calling attention to a wonderful website – recoveringgrace.org – which has assembled a boatload of helpful information from testimonies and resources to recovery groups in order to help those who have been hurt by Gothard's teachings. Why his followers continue to listen to him is beyond us!
We have been granted permission to share this heartbreaking story with our readers, so get your Kleenex ready! Our prayer is that history will NOT repeat itself and that parents will take to heart this bittersweet letter written by a mother to her daughter.
To My Daughter (link)
After being in ATI for 10 years and now out for the last 13 years, I am finding the need to say some things to our oldest daughter. She was our “guinea pig,” the one from whom we learned the most and the one upon whom we tried the most. She was with us from start to finish through those ten ATI years, with seven of her eight siblings coming along during that time. She was the one who became my second pair of hands, the “other mommy,” and even my substitute teacher from time to time. She was the one allowed to help with Children’s Institutes and to attend a Counseling seminar at the training center in Indianapolis. She was also the one who inspired her father to think about whether this program was the best one for our family. She was diagnosed with AML (Acute Myelogenous Leukemia) in July 2006 at the age of 25, and she went home to be with the Lord on September 10, 2007. If I still had her with me today, these are some of the things I would say to her…
I am sorry for all the mistakes I made along the way. I looked to a program to validate what we believed we should do for our children by home educating them. I was more concerned about finishing the “race” (all the required booklets) and having good reports to send off to Headquarters, than I was about how the “race” was run.
~ I am sorry that I caused you to question things in your life that were normal and that I asked you to suppress your emotions and interests in the name of serving our family and keeping Mr. Gothard happy.
~ I am sorry that you felt you had to run everything through the grid of “why did God let it happen.” It caused you much worry and anxiety, especially as a young adult.
~ I am sorry that I destroyed by fire many of your childhood toys, toys that were given to you in love by relatives and by us. I cannot believe that I bought the whole idea that they were demon-possessed because they didn’t fit some standard set up by the leadership of ATI.
~ I am sorry that you were reprimanded at a Children’s Seminar because I failed to add WHITE to the navy blue suit I lovingly handmade for you.
~ I am sorry that you were asked not to sing so loudly by other young women at the Knoxville training session when you were part of the big choir of students. Rather than allow you to make a joyful noise, you were silenced.
~ I am sorry that I insisted that you sing Matthew 7 by memory with me at one of our church fellowships when you really didn’t want to do that.
~ I am sorry that I placed a man’s interpretations of Scripture above all else. I just wanted to have good kids and a happy family and to live happily ever after.
~ I am sorry that I missed the true meaning of grace and instead worked to gain God’s and Headquarters’s approval by getting through all eight wisdom booklets each year, memorizing enough verses, and creating enough minute booklets. You were a teenager at that time, attending seminars and trying to find some way to get enough money together to attend the training institutes.
~ I am sorry I insisted that you wear dresses and skirts throughout your childhood and didn’t just let you be a little girl, running through the hay fields in your blue jeans and t-shirts.
~ I am sorry that I expected you to be mature beyond your years and asked you to help all the time with the little babies that came along.
~ I am sorry that your academic education was lacking, although I knew you were very intelligent and could accomplish so much. I was too busy having babies, nursing babies, and teaching phonics to consider what would be best for you.
~ I am sorry that at times my discipline was too harsh–not so much physically but verbally–as I demanded adult-like behavior from you during your childhood years.
~ I am sorry that we did not allow you to listen to good music even if it didn’t abide by the Institute’s standards.
~ I am sorry that I lived by the standard, “Others may, but we will not,” without thought for individuality within our family.
~ I am sorry that I taught you more character quality definitions and knew more about the manuals and booklets that IBLP published than I did about God’s Word.
~ I am sorry that your dear friend was destroyed spiritually–at least at this point in time–after working at one of the training centers.
But precious daughter,
~ I am thankful that you became discontent when our family did not have enough money to send you off as an apprenticeship student to some training center far, far away. This discontentment caused your father and me to question whether we should really be a part of this program.
~ I am thankful that you began to question the anxiety you felt when not everything made sense, and you could not find out why God let it happen.
~ I am thankful that you got tired of the grids, the charts, the numerous steps, the countless reasons, qualities, and so forth.
~ I am thankful that you owned your own faith.
~ I am thankful that God’s Word became precious to you and that you learned its ways and its truths.
~ I am thankful that your were more than the oldest child in our family, ruling over the rest of the children. You loved them and shared with them and gave your life to them and they love you!
~ I am thankful that you found the ability to forgive me, to love me, to become one of my dearest friends, and to develop good plans for your own life, including your marriage and your own little son.
~ I am thankful that you chose to live your life to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.
~ I am thankful that you were more than an experiment for your father and me. You were our blessed firstborn, our joy, our beloved one.
The problem is, dear child, I cannot say these many words to you today because you are no longer here with us. You have gone to be with the Lord after losing your battle with leukemia. You are complete and you know what I cannot know at this time.
Thank you for being our precious daughter who knew Christ in spite of our errors and misjudgments. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being with you all those long days in the hospital. Thank you for letting me serve you as you served our family for many years. Thank you for the precious memories I can have today because you were part of my life.
– Your mother
P.S. For those of you parents who may be reading this, please consider whether there is something you should say to your kids before it may be too late. One way or another, death will separate you for a time…if not for eternity.
************
Anita Martin is a married mother of nine children. She is learning daily what grace means in her life and realizing that the Lord and His Word–not a program–are her sufficiency and guide in all ways. She enjoys teaching their three remaining sons at home, while four of their children are students at College of the Ozarks in Point Lookout, MO. Anita and her husband, Steve enjoy two grandchildren, one of whom is the blessing her daughter left behind. She seeks to live humbly before the Lord whose grace never ceases to amaze her.
Lydia's Corner: 2 Samuel 2:12-3:39 John 13:1-30 Psalm 119:1-16 Proverbs 15:29-30
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Thank you so very much for sharing this!!! It puts into words the many thoughts I have regarding both my past and how I am trying to communicate and relate to my dear little children. Why do we have this urge to control our children into little robots following what we think could be the next big thing? Let them run in blue jeans and have fun being children!!!!!
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Surely my great fear; my kids die before I do. Sorry for your loss.
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I’m very sorry for this lady’s loss.
Previously, I linked to an article from Recovering Grace alleging that Gothard has sexually harassed young ladies (see recoveringgrace.org, “Another Witness: Sexual Harassment at HQ”)
For anyone who has left a legalistic type of group or religion that emphasizes rules (such as the Gothardites, or Independent Fundamentalist Baptists, etc.), you might want to consider adopting this as your theme song (and it’s a secular song, which makes it even more appropriate):
Harper Valley PTA
(video with audio)
Harper Valley PTA
(lyrics only)
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I am so, so sorry for what you have endured and for the loss of your daughter. I wish I could hug you in person. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful letter.
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I have been working on a letter to my eldest daughter. Anita’s letter will help me name my failings in it to her. I am so sorry for her loss, I cannot imagine her sorrow. Thank-You for sharing this. Heart breaking & so full of godly sorrow, which brings repentance, I too am so sorry for following a teaching(not Gothard) but close. Saying a prayer tonight for Anita.
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I need to clarify on my last comment. I hope it didn’t come across that I was implying that Anita needed to repent. I am coming from my own lens of thinking. For me, it has been a deep godly sorrow over following the leaders that misused the scriptures. Their insidious ways to control & shame me that I repented-turned away from, stopped listening & following their teachings & instruction. Bet they would have a field day with my comment. I wish all who are under the umbrella of their leadership would turn away or repent from listening to another word from them. They destroy people.
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Rashel
Welcome to TWW
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Jon
Welcome to TWW
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Zo
Welcome to TWW
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I am overjoyed by our new commenters! Welcome!!!
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Dee,
I am sure you are swamped with e mails. So, with that in mind, I understand how difficult it must be for you to respond to all the folks, such as me, who write to you. I only long for you to respond to my e mail where I asked you to pitch what I had sent you into the trash…
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Love Anita’s post! And thank you Dee and Deb for publishing it (in the past, I’ve felt rather misunderstood and judged at times on these threads as a Quiver Full mom).
Anita, I identify very much with your experiences. Like you I made mistakes and failed in some ways. And like you, I have learned so much from my children and been challenged toward spiritual growth through their examples.
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@ Charis:
I am grateful that you loved this post, and I feel badly that there have been times when you felt misunderstood by this online community. May we all be careful with our words. Blessings to you and your family, Charis! You are special to Dee and me.
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@ Jon Owens:
I think the urge to control others is the darkest side of human nature (certainly children represent prime candidates for something to control). As soon as a persuasive person plays the god card, “godlifying” something (purporting God’s stamp of approval by calling it “godly”), people can be persuaded to do many things with enthusiasm & a clear conscience. Even things that appeal to our darkest side.
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elastigirl wrote:
Even jacking a couple airliners (slitting stewardess’s throats as an example) and flying them into the Twin Towers. God Wills It!
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While the rules are “controlling”, the motivation for me was not “control” nor “the dark side”. The motivation was a desire to protect my children and fear of “worldliness”.
Hurts to have evil motives attributed. Thankfully, my own children understand that I love them very much and never intended to hurt them. Likewise for Anita’s children I am sure.
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@ Charis:
Hi, Charis. I apologize if my thoughts are hurtful. While I wasn’t responding to you personally in any way, i know the subject matter has been part of your life. I wasn’t thinking about conscious motives, but just basic human urges. I’m sure you as a responsible parent have had the best of motives, as much as any responsible parent anywhere.
I’m trying to understand how even healthy, good-hearted people can get caught up unhealthy, destructive things. Myself included. Absolutely myself included.
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Beautiful story….thank you Dee and Deb for posting it…..
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Anita’s story gives me such hope. We didn’t follow Gothard specifically, but the harsh, controlling, patriarchal atmosphere in our former church was very similar. We’ve made many changes in how we are raising our children. We didn’t want to throw out the proverbial baby with the bath water. It’s taken some work to find a balance, and we still have much to work on. But, for the first time in a year and a half, we’re visiting a church tonight. Some of my husband’s customers have been inviting us for a while. We are scared and excited.
Anita, thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad to hear that there’s life on the “other side” of such an experience.
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BeenThereDoneThat,
I hope you have a good experience at the church you are visiting tonight. I'll be thinking about you.
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Gail wrote:
Gail, it took me about 3 years to wash the Gothard stuff out of my mind. It helped to remind myself that Satan (not God) is the accuser of the saints. Shame and condemnation come from him. God really does love us with an affectionate love — all the time.
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BeenThereDoneThat wrote:
I, too, hope you had a good experience, no triggers. You have eyes to see & ears to hear from what you have lived & learned. From reading your comments I suspect no one is going to pull the wool over your eyes ever again.
Janey wrote:
Thank-You, I never tire from hearing that.
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@ Deb:
@ Gail:
Thank you. It was a good initial experience. I’m still trying to process all of it. This was a contemporary service at a United Methodist Church. After being raised SBC, and spending the last 24 years in a doctrinally Oneness Pentecostal church, the UMC is closer to my Baptist roots. The people and the pastor were welcoming and friendly. But, I was still so nervous that I sweated profusely. I walked out of there with a large sweat spot on my rear. Embarrassing.
I’m trying to read up on Methodist doctrine, and, so far, I’m impressed. It doesn’t seem like I need worry about a Calvinista takeover of the Methodist church. (I have TWW to thank for helping me know what to look for.) The UMC is also very active in works of charity much like the Catholic church. I like that. My former church was solely interested in benefitting the lives of the leaders and their families. I’m going to take this veerrry slowly.
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Happy Mother’s Day, Dee and Deb!
You are like surrogate mothers to many of the people here who reach out to you. You take people under your wings, provide a safe place to share, to grieve, to learn. And I know you help people behind the scenes as a mother would care for her little chicks. You did that for me. Thank you. Love you both!
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BeenThereDoneThat wrote:
Aww, I’ve been there and done that:”sweating like bullets” Still break now & then in a sweat.
The first church I tried when I waded back in four years ago, I had a panic attack, which was a gift to run as fast as I could from that church. Baby steps for sure ( :
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@ Julie Anne:
Happy Mother’s Day to you too! Ever since we first heard from you over a year ago, you have been special to both of us.
Off to celebrate with my mom, daughters, and hubby! 🙂
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@ Julie Anne: You are an awesome mom, Julie Anne.
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BTW, the next Big Box post is up.
http://scarletlettersblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/the-centrality-of-the-home-in-evangelism-and-discipleship-tbb/
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On a slightly-lighter note, around ten miles south of me there’s a “Gothard Street”, running through a few of the OC’s Beach Cities. In the Eighties, local convention (probably originating in local high-school slang) was to pronounce “Gothard” as “Got Hard”.
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We knew a couple, older than us, years ago in Portland. They had 3 children and went to our church and seemed to be a very wonderful family. The odd thing is that as the years went by, the kids all just went off the deep end in rebellion. I mean, serious stuff. Now I think I know why. They were heavily into the Gothard Basic Youth Conflicts Seminars that were big at that time in Portland. In fact, they were so into it that I remember that when my wife was having a baby – I had raced her to the hospital – these people were watching our 1 yr old son for us. When I called them to report that we had made it to the hospital, the father’s response was, “well, we have a Gothard seminar to get to and you need to get back here now and get your son.”
Thanks a bunch, Bill (G) for all the people you messed up.
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And most importantly, thank you Lord for delivering Anita and her husband and family from Gothard. Soon and very soon, as the song goes, Anita will see her daughter again. In a real new heavens and earth, in real glorified bodies, and all this bad stuff will never ever happen again.
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@ Jeff Crippen:
That's an interesting testimony, Jeff. It is scary to contemplate how lives have been ruined as a result of Gothard's abusive teachings.
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Jeff Crippen wrote:
Good grief!
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Jeff Crippen wrote:
Amen to that.
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Jeff Crippen wrote:
“Our time is Corban — dedicated to The LOORD and His co-equal Bill Gothard.”