“If there is to be reconciliation, first there must be truth.” ― Blood Done Sign My Name: A True Story.
I am sorry that I must add complaints surrounding Pastor Jelani Lewis to Gateway’s growing list of alleged abusive pastors. This post looks at two very different problems(or maybe they’re not, you decide.)
Were abuse victims forced to sit in a room with their abuser and forgive them?
I have been hearing about this off and on. Today, I talked with the person who must remain anonymous for a good reason. I know who they are. Here is the scenario. At one point, there were some sexual abuse victims on this campus. Apparently, Pastor Jelani told sexual abuse victims that they would need to meet with their abuser in a room at the church. The victims were supposed to forgive their abuser after confronting them in Matthew 18 style (Digression by Dee: I believe Matthew 18 is the most ill-understood and abused verse in the Bible.) Matthew 18:15-17 NIV:
15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Pastor Jelani was also part of some, if not all, of these meetings. Forcing victims to forgive their abuser is one more form of abuse. From Stop Telling Victims to Forgive Their Abuser:
When clergy, therapists, friends, and family counsel victims to “just forgive” the abuser, they’re often ignoring the fact that the victim is experiencing significant trauma and deserves to focus on her own safety and healing, rather than channeling energy into forgiving their abuser.
“Forgiveness” usually translates to “absolution” – in other words, when victims are asked to forgive, they’re really being told to sweep the abuse under the rug so that everyone can move on.
This further traumatizes victims who need safety and support. Not trite advice.
Forcing forgiveness and reconciliation is both unbiblical as well as dangerous for the victim.
Christianity Today wrote THE DANGER OF FORCING FORGIVENESS. It makes the point that churches are weaponizing forgiveness.
Again and again, across denominations, we hear storiesabout how “forgiveness” has been used to vindicate abusers and silence the abused. Once this coerced forgiveness is offered, it seems impossible to retract, which is often why abusers use forgiveness as a silencing technique.
What is meant by true reconciliation?
we can disarm a misuse of forgiveness by properly understanding reconciliation. An emphasis on reconciliation is often used by an offender to sear the victim’s conscience and silence him or her. The proper response to such injustice is not reconciliation but repentance.
True reconciliation, when it is possible, requires fully acknowledging the evil of the abuse and the harm it causes, displaying active repentance of the evil done, and offering restitution to the victim. These actions do not impede reconciliation; they are prerequisites for it. If offenders refuse to be confronted with their abuse, it suggests they have not fully come to terms with their victims’ dignity, the evil they have done, and the pain they have caused.
The following brings home the point.
a truly repentant offender recognizes that forgiveness is an undeserved gift that must be offered freely by the injured party. The one who has committed a sin cannot demand forgiveness from God or from a fellow image-bearer. Otherwise, it would still be coercion.
And God does not coerce the vulnerable. Instead, he promises to defend them, heal them, and invite them into the fullness of his kingdom (Ps. 37:27–29). The church must bear witness to that good news, so that forgiveness will not be used to cover up sin and silence the abused.
I would imagine that many victims gritted their teeth and experienced trauma as they forced out, “I forgive you.” I have heard some have walked away from the church.
Jelani and friends should have spent time bringing healing and peace to the victims. They should have spent lots of time demanding genuine and deep repentance from the abuser, which would be demonstrated over long periods. Then, let the victim decide when, if ever, they needed to be in the same room (!) with their abuser.
If this is true, shame on Jelani and anyone else on the pastoral staff who participated in this travesty. To the victims, I am so sorry. You were led by pastors who wanted a shiny, happy church with people who quickly forgave men who abused them. They were ill-educated and should not have been allowed to have these meetings. Where were the grownups, or did the grownups dream up this nonsense?
Jane Doe’s story of alleged sexual molestation by Pastor Jelani Lewis, whom she respected and trusted.
Jane Doe is a pseudonym for the victim. I know her identity. It is an accepted practice amongst journalists not to reveal the name of a sexual abuse victim, and I agree with this practice. She made the point that “Jelani will know who I am.” She is well-spoken, and she carefully chooses her words. This happened some years ago when Jelani was a youth pastor at Gateway. The victim spent two different times at Gateway while pursuing work outside the area, but she no longer lives there.
As she recounted her story, she discussed that she has been dealing with what happened over the last 7-8 years. Recently, she heard the story of Cindy Cleminshire and admired her guts and courage, especially when some people criticized her for doing so. She decided to come forward.
She was friendly with Jelani from her first stay in the area, and the friendship resumed when she returned. This time, he would challenge her standards.
Jelani and she were friends the first time she was in Southlake. When she returned a second time, she renewed their friendship and enjoyed “hanging out” with a group of mutual friends. She volunteered at Gateway. It is important to note that Jelani knew she was only there briefly. She said he had a funny and engaging personality and immensely enjoyed him. As time progressed, Jelani began to challenge her. She told him she was looking for a partner with an eye towards marriage. Jelani criticized her for having standards that were “too high.” He continued to challenge her in that vein.
This caused her to question her standards and began to think that they were “impossible.” She began to doubt herself.
He started to “swoon” her, and she felt guilty.
He started to compliment her while taking her out for meals regularly. He held her hand and spent lots of time speaking with her by phone. She said it felt a lot like dating. They began to see each other a lot. Jane said that their contact became more sexual but stopped short of actual intercourse.
However, this made her feel guilty and condemned for her actions. She kept this from their group of friends. As the time developed, she told Jelani that she needed to talk to someone about her feelings.
Jelani told her he would lose his job if she talked.
Jelani was opposed to her speaking with anyone. When she told him she wanted to talk with someone at the church, he became upset and said:
This is my church. Can’t you go somewhere else?
She became increasingly isolated and questioned whether she was disqualified for her work and actions. She told him she would talk with the Freedom Team, an in-house ministry. Jelani became upset and said
I could lose my job.”
He then implied that it would be her fault if he lost his job. Things cooled, but it was time for her to leave the area.
Jelani blocked Jane Doe
A year or two later, Jelani got married. Jane congratulated him on Facebook. He didn’t respond and blocked her. He has never contacted her.
My thoughts:
I was impressed with Jane’s transparency. As we talked, I asked her if she thought Jelani groomed her. He knew she would be leaving after a short stay and moved quickly, telling her that her personal standards were too high. It seemed to me that she was a “sitting duck” for a gregarious guy with a ton of personality. She began to see my point. I told her that she was a victim of clerical abuse. He was a youth pastor, and she trusted him.
- He had no regard for her feelings of shame and guilt. He only wanted to protect himself.
- He knew he was behaving egregiously and told her to be quiet.
- He had no pastoral concern for her. He blocked her and has never spoken to her since she left Gateway.
- He seemed adept at “swooning” Jane, which makes me wonder if he has done this to others.
My final point on Jelani’s behavior
If he had participated in those “reconciliation meetings,” he seemed to have little regard for the survivors’ feelings. He had no respect for Jane Doe’s feelings after she felt guilty about their sexual contact. He wanted to protect himself. I believe Jelani may have a problem in this area and hope the church might intervene.
Jane Doe’s story gives readers important insight into the character of a member of Gateway’s clergy. Is it time to clean house?
Weaponizing forgiveness … weaponizing reconciliation … weaponizing restoration … weaponizing abusers. I’m getting tired of these unspiritual goobers forcing unBiblical views upon the Body of Christ. An ungodly pulpit weaponizes these things against the pew to control them. It is, indeed, a spiritual war and they are on the wrong side, IMO.
Max(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
The Plano campus is the newest of the DFW area ones for Gateway. So, it might be one of the first cut loose if financial problems start affecting Southlake.
They can then claim, “we cleaned house”.
Mark R(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
It would be refreshing if Gateway cleaned its own house, rather than outside sources having to step in to do it as they did with Robert Morris.
Max(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
“If he had participated in those ‘reconciliation meetings,’ he seemed to have little regard for the survivors’ feelings. He had no respect for Jane Doe’s feelings after she felt guilty about their sexual contact. He wanted to protect himself. I believe Jelani may have a problem in this area and hope the church might intervene.”
In another case, “In late 1988, 14yo adopted daughter Aundria Bowman raised concerns with staff at her high school when she expressed fearfulness of going home from school. Staff at the school involved police, who interviewed Bowman, during which she claimed that her adoptive father was molesting her. A social worker returned Bowman to her family’s residence, and confronted them about Bowman’s allegations; Dennis and his then-wife both denied the allegations, claiming that Bowman’s rebelliousness had been sparked by her family’s recent disclosure that she had been adopted as an infant.”
Then Aundria disappears, and ends up dead by the hand of her rapist adoptive father, Dennis Bowman.
This case is now a Netflix documentary.
Return to the predator?
Note Proverbs 26.11, and 2 Peter 2.22: The church embracing these predators is as a dog returning to its vomit. Dogs eating their vomit. God spits out the predators but then these so-called Christian “leaders” embrace predators as dogs eating their own vomit.
In this case, Dennis Bowman turns out to be a serial rapist and murderer.
Ava Aaronson(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
Jane Doe, this is believable.
elastigirl(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
“You were led by pastors who wanted a shiny, happy church with people who quickly forgave men who abused them. They were ill-educated and should not have been allowed to have these meetings. Where were the grownups, or did the grownups dream up this nonsense?”
++++++++++++++++++++
yes, they dreamed up this nonsense.
sort of fetishizing “you can do hard things”, using survivors as a demonstration.
and i guess fetishizing “grace”, pandering to the perpetrator as a demonstration.
using people to prove your theology and prove yourself as pastors.
sick. i’ll take people over theology & church leaders.
i’d do this regardless of any information in the bible. but seems to me this how Jesus operated. so i’m very pleased about that.
elastigirl(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
Virtue Signalling for The LOOOORD all the way to the bank.
Headless Unicorn Guy(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
Headless Unicorn Guy(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
He’s a MegsPASTOR, a Mighty ManaGAWD, and Anointed who cannot be Touched.
What do you think?
Headless Unicorn Guy(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
And are now consigned to Eternal Hell, having PROVEN they were NEVER REALLY Saved.
Headless Unicorn Guy(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
This one hurts so deeply. I knew Jelani for years when he was the children’s pastor and I served there. I 100% believe the victims, but it doesn’t hurt any less.
Gateway survivor(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
More examples of “cheep grace”, of in this case, “forced, cheep, grace”…
Jeffrey J Chalmers(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
Headless Unicorn Guy,
You don’t know that, you have no idea what is happening or what will happen in their lives. You may or may not understand the trauma involved, how long it takes to work through it. Many walk away from the church for a time, but not from Christ. When the ‘church’ as the body of ‘believers’ betrays you deeply by not protecting you, abandons you egregiously, piles abuse onto abuse a deep, and often blames the abused as well, trust is broken and is not easily restored. Mathew 7:1-3 is applicable to your judgement in it’s true context as opposed to how it us usually used. Abusers in the church are the worst kind, their manipulation is the worst because they use God as a cover in the most foul ways. The abused get punished, and the abuser gets a licence to continue. Interesting how you judge the broken and vulnerable were never really saved and are consigned to an eternal Hell , however you don’t appear to pronounce that kind of judgement on an unrepentant, manipulative abuser. Weaponised/forced forgiveness is a traumatic thing to experience, especially to an unrepentant abuser, and especially to one in pastoral leadership .Micah 6:8 is applicable to all matters in the body of Christ but is rarely extended to abuse victims, rather they are often, instead, further victimised. “He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God.”
Grace(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
For a study on what untouchable men in power do to the women in their milieu, see the book, “Ask Not: The Kennedys and the Women They Destroyed” by Maureen Callahan. The documentation is about power, not party. Absolutely shocking and totally in sync with what we are learning about our churchmen in power.
The power given to pastors is obviously not biblical and moreover highly destructive to all.
Thinking of that young pastor’s wife that was found in her SUV backed into a semitrailer down a remote dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Dead.
Ava Aaronson(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
The New Testament paints the office of “pastor” as a servant rather than an overlord, a humble shepherd rather than an arrogant powermonger, one who leads by example of being Christlike rather Luciferlike.
Max(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
HUG’s comments are always tongue-in-cheek; I think he is saying this is what some in ‘those’ churches would say, NOT his own judgment…
readingalong(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)
Perhaps he put himself in the perpetrator’s place. These church leaders need to leave the handling of crimes to law enforcement. They just don’t want their image tainted is why they want to keep crimes in house. Nothing catches God by surprise.
Donna(Reply & quote selected text) (Reply to this comment)