“Leave” by Michael W. Smith Captures the Pain of Church Abuse

TWW And Church Abuse

 

 

“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ''Blessed are they that mourn.''            CS Lewis

 

 

When we first started this blog, our intent was to follow current trends in the faith, offering analysis and commentary from our unique vantage point within the evangelical ranks. What surprised us were the number of stories that revolved around what we call abusive responses of churches towards members of their congregations. As we investigated these claims, we became more convinced as to the validity of many of these claims. Our own personal experiences also confirmed the reality of such assertions.

 

Our thinking has evolved over time. We used to believe that there were theological disputes and abusive churches and there was no link between to the two. However, as we have discovered over the last year or so, we now believe that certain theological positions can lead to offensive behavior on the part of some involved in Christian leadership. For example, Paige Patterson, not known for his carefully nuanced opinions, believes that women must always submit to their husbands. On one occasion, he recommended that a physically abused woman return to her husband where she suffered further physical abuse. He rejoiced in this violence because her husband then showed up at church for a service and is now following God. You may read the actual transcript of Patterson bragging about this in a post at TWW at the following link.

 

The number of people who have been desperately hurt by the church, and then find their way to our blog, has surprised us. At times, some of their comments sound harsh, angry, and unforgiving. But, TWW is a safe place for people who have been rejected and hurt by churches and then thrown to the wolves by men who have no business calling themselves pastors. We believe that TWW exists for far more than commentary although we do quite a bit of that. We also are committed to providing a safe and accepting place for folks to express their feelings of being let down by the very entity in which they sought love and forgiveness.

 

Until the Internet and blogging, these people had nowhere to go with their pain. The church rejected them and they were left to deal with things on their own. Some left the faith; others have just walked away from the organized church.

 

This forum, and others, provides hurting people a place to share their stories. Here they find they are not alone. In fact they find fellowship with others who have had similar experiences. Here they can express their pain and anger, perhaps for the first time. But some visitors have commented that these expressions are not warranted. 

 

Here is the problem. God knows and acknowledges this pain deep within their souls. Many in the church do not. In fact, most in the church do not want to hear the raw expressions of hurting people. The reasons are many. “It’s not nice.” “They should just forgive and forget.” “God will take care of this someday, so just let it go.” And maybe, deep down inside, they don’t want to hear of the failings of their churches because their view of the faith is wrapped up in an almost perfect church and an almost perfect pastor.

 

Our God is big enough to handle their pain. If God is big enough, then those in the churches should be able to handle it. In fact, such awareness might lead to changes in how churches do business.

 

Having had a fair amount of training in dealing with sick and hurting people, I have found that simply allowing a person to express their pain, while providing an environment in which they are believed, can lead to significant healing. And so, TWW is dedicated to providing a place of acceptance for those who have not had a forum to “let it out.” In fact, we like to refer to ourselves as the Fellowship of the Wounded. Your humble and glamorous blog queens have been in that position ourselves and have formed said society.

 

Anonymity also provides freedom to those who need to fully express their pain. They don’t have to put on a mask or couch their concerns in order to protect themselves and their loved ones from further abuse. This blog is dedicated to the preservation of anonymity, at all costs, of those who come here. In other words, authorities would have to subpoena us to release any information that we might have on anyone who comments here. After the brouhaha at FBC Jacksonville, we doubt many district attorneys would be inclined to sign such subpoenas.

 

Consequently, we would ask that those, who have not been damaged by their churches or have never been in difficult church situations, show sensitivity to those who have gone through hell within the church. At times, the expressions of pain can be uncomfortable but it is the first step to healing. On this blog, there are no “narcissistic zeroes” just ‘friends.”

 

We want to alert the church to the vile nature of some who claim to be Christians. Therefore, we allow some comments that we find quite offensive. Sometimes, there are those who so insult others that they will not be allowed to comment. For example, a man, who goes by the name of Joe Blackmon, wrote to Debbie Kaufmann, who runs a blog called Ministry of Reconciliation, and called her “a pile of filth”. This was said when she was recuperating from major surgery. Here is that link. He will no longer be allowed to comment on this blog as well.

 

Finally, such a forum can bring understanding and reconciliation. Last week, we saw a powerful example of this during a series of exchanges between “Anonymous,” who told us he was a pastor, and “Michael” who had a terrible experience at the hands of a church two years ago. I am in awe and commend both of these men for providing the readers with such an example of honesty and faith.

 

2010/09/30 at 05:19 pm | In reply to Michael.

Michael, 
As I was getting ready for school tonight, the Lord began to reveal some things to me. While I did not appreciate some of your remarks, that was no reason to respond with disparaging remarks to you. I was wrong, I apologize and I ask you to please forgive me. Although I cannot extend my hand through the Internet to you I hope this post will serve as an encouragement and establishing fellowship with a brother. Naturally, I do not know where you live, but if you should live in the metro Atlanta area I would be delighted to meet you for lunch, buy your lunch and get to know you. I think we might find that we both have a lot in common through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

2010/09/30 at 05:34 pm | In reply to Anonymous.

Anonymous:
I was thinking that I had been pretty harsh, myself. I accept your apology and forgive you. I would ask that you would forgive me, as well, for being a bit harsh. I think there’s a place where we can have strong disagreement, but I would like to debate in a way where we’re not beating each other up, personally. I probably started it, so I’m sorry.Thanks for your sensitivity to our Lord and for reaching out in reconciliation. Let’s consider our personal attacks of each other over.I’m confident that we would find much in common, indeed. We love the Atlanta area and I’ve been privileged to sing concerts in many of the churches around that area in the past. Bless you, and thank you, again, for the humility and character to reconcile with me.
 

Today, Wade Burleson, who writes the outstanding blog, Grace and Truth to You, provides an example of a horrible example of church abuse. Every Christian should read this event in which a church was holding a Russian intern under lock and key in the basement. Wade Burleson was involved in rescuing her.

 

Slowly, some Christians are waking up to the abuse that is present in some churches. Michael W. Smith has just recorded a song about church abuse that is receiving much attention. It is called “Leave.”

 

Here is what he had to say about it. "It was the hardest song to write," Smith says. And from what he's been told by many friends who say they were abused, he believes there is more abuse within churches than is ever reported. "You hear about stuff that goes on in the church, it just blows your mind," he says.

 

Don’t miss one key element to this song…that is that the church is sweeping this issue under the carpet with a “forgive and forget” attitude; leaving the abused hurt with scars, alone, and confused.

 

Here is the link to an interview on Fox News in which he says that 1 in 3 people in the world have been abused. He also said that the radical right wing Christians give Christianity a bad name.

 

Finally, here is link to the performance on TBN (I know, I know….) Grab some Kleenex. We, the Fellowship of the Wounded, thank Michael W. Smith for opening his heart to the pain of many.

 

 

Lydia's Corner: I made a mistake on Friday's post. So, continue with these verses. We will be slightly behind.  Genesis 11:1-13:4  Matthew 5:1-26  Psalm 5:1-12  Proverbs 1:24-28

Comments

“Leave” by Michael W. Smith Captures the Pain of Church Abuse — 22 Comments


  1. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Dee,

    Did you know that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month? http://dvam.vawnet.org/

    I wonder how many Southern Baptist pastors will be condemning domestic violence from the pulpit this month…

    Ethics Daily posted an article today (10/4) entitled “Misinterpreted Scripture Protects Domestic Abusers”. http://ethicsdaily.com/news.php?viewStory=16791

    The article concludes as follows:

    “Divorce is a tragedy. Some in our culture surely use it as an easy escape hatch. That aside, we must avoid making the assumption that divorce is a sin for the victim of domestic abuse. We must embrace that divorce may be a necessity for these victims. Their lives may depend on it.”

    While it’s admirable that Al Mohler is leading the charge against the high divorce rate in the SBC, I certainly hope he doesn’t expect a wife to remain in a physically abusive relationship as Paige Patterson obviously does.


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    Thank you Dee. Good post and I agree with what Deb has posted. My heart is heavy for those who have experienced any type of longtime spiritual abuse. It takes a few years to receive it and a lifetime to get over it like any abuse. Surely churches must put their focus on Jesus Christ. Too many are religious but not Christians.


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    Debbie Kaufman,

    Just like the Gospel Coalition has done in bringing the reformed crowd together, we who are like minded about abuse MUST band together. It’s pretty cool seeing it happen right before our eyes in the blogosphere!

    Wishing you a speedy recovery.

    Blessings!


  4. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    We simply must become educated about what Jesus was teaching about divorce in the NT. David Instone Brewer is a Hebrew Scholar at Tyndale House in England who has done a ton of research on this topic. He has short videos that are worth watching to learn more about “any cause” divorce that Jesus Christ was referring to in scripture.

    http://www.playmobible.org/videos.html


  5. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Insightful videos, Lydia! I have watched several of them, and I appreciate David’s interpretations of Scripture. Thanks for sharing.


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    Here’s the link to Paige Patterson’s infamous words about a woman he counseled who was physically abused by her husband. Truly unbelieveable!!!

    http://www.archive.org/details/PaigePattersonsbcAdviceToVictimsOfDomesticViolence

    When the page comes up, scroll down to the “Whole Item” list and click on the phrase “StreamB” for the first item listed. The audio is just under 5 minutes long.


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    Deb:

    I agree with Paige Patterson, who said he has never counseled for someone to get a divorce, but he had counseled a spouse to separate in order to remain safe. I would do the same. I would never promote divorce as a viable option and would likewise recommend separation if it looked like a spouse was in danger of even a minimum amount of physical abuse; especially if the abuser was doing nothing to seek help to remedy the problem.

    But, the end goal should be restoration of the abuser, the victims, and the marraige and families. Divorce is not a good option at all and does not accomplish anything more that a separation could.


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    Michael,

    If a husband in a congregation is beating up his wife, is it the pastor’s responsibility to try and restore the abuser? If the husband refuses, then what recourse does the wife have?


  9. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Michael
    Paige Patterson said for the wife to return to the abusive situation. We have the transcript.


  10. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Actually, Dee, we have the audio as well as per my previous comment. I encourage everyone to listen to it. This is one of the revered leaders in the SBC…

    http://www.archive.org/details/PaigePattersonsbcAdviceToVictimsOfDomesticViolence

    When the page comes up, scroll down to the “Whole Item” list and click on the phrase “StreamB” for the first item listed. The audio is just under 5 minutes long.


  11. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Michael,

    Here’s what I’d like to see ALL pastors do THIS MONTH with regard to spousal abuse, especially since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month:

    http://www.eagles-wings-ministry.com/dv-church.html

    What Churches Can Do to Stop Domestic Violence

    “First, churches can make the goal of ending domestic abuse a prominent part of their ministry. Become proactive. Talk about it from the pulpit and in church bulletins. Sponsor plays that confront the topic head-on. Call it what it is, an “intolerable sin.”

    Make Domestic Violence Awareness Month every October a call to action for your congregration with specific actions they can take. Develop programs that invite your faith community to discuss, learn more, and commit to ending the problem.”

    According to this website, Chuck Colson wrote about the seriousness of the problem, as follows:

    “Tragically, studies reveal that spousal abuse is just as common within the evangelical churches as anywhere else. This means that about 25 percent of Christian homes witness abuse of some kind.”

    Since Al Mohler wants to curb the divorce rate among Christian families, especially those within the SBC, I’d recommend that he lead the charge to put an end to domestic violence, which is a significant cause of divorce.

    The above website has some excellent recommendations for combatting abuse.


  12. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Here is some shocking information regarding pastoral attitudes toward spousal abuse (actually, it won’t be that surprising to some of you):

    http://www.eagles-wings-ministry.com/dv-church.html

    “In her 2007 book What Women Wish Pastors Knew, Christian author Denise George, sites the findings from a survey of 6000 pastors who were asked their attitudes toward domestic violence. The findings are shocking:

    Asked how they would counsel a woman who came to them seeking help for abuse in her marriage:

    ■ 26 percent would tell her it’s her job to “submit” to her husband.

    ■ 25 percent would actually tell her that it was her fault she was beaten because she didn’t submit.

    ■ 50 percent said they would tell her that submitting to the violence was better than getting a divorce.

    Shocking, isn’t it? Who is an abused Christian woman to turn to if her own pastor believes such sinful behavior is justifiable?”

    Who indeed!!!


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    Deb:

    “If a husband in a congregation is beating up his wife, is it the pastor’s responsibility to try and restore the abuser? ”

    Yes, it is his job to restore the husband, and it is everyone in their community’s responsibility to restore him, as well. And they should start the restoration process right after they take him out to the woods and beat the living crap out of him.

    “If the husband refuses, then what recourse does the wife have?”

    She should separate from him, as my post said. Why hurry to divorce, though, when time can allow God to work in both their hearts, allowing potential healing and restoration?


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    Dee:

    I don’t think she ever left the situation for her to return. His counsel was not for her to return, but to pray for God’s intervention, knowing the great love God has for her. That counsel was right on.

    However, as I implied in my post, she should have already sought some level of separation to protect herself from physical abuse. There is no reason to continue to put yourself in harm’s way of physical abuse. She can certainly pray for God’s intervention while staying with a friend or a family.

    The thrust of my post was that divorce is too permanent and too drastic of a solution to run hastily into. Why not separate for a season with the purpose of allowing God to work? With adequate accountability and support from a community of believers, with church leadership involved, in addition to serious counseling for both, the husband and wife could possibly be healed and restored. Why not allow for that?

    Then, if the husband is unresponsive to accountability, you have a church discipline issue, where he may need to be exposed to the whole congregation for his blatant and willful sin, having refused to repent, and may need to be disfellowshiped until he does.

    Finally, I agree that this issue needs to come to the forefront of awareness within the church and be addressed rightly from the pulpit and by other means. It is a prominent problem and should not be tolerated. At the same time, they should deal with the sin of running too easily to divorce because God hates that as much.


  15. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    One last thought; the fact that abuse is so prevalent, and so is divorce, is an indictment of the entire fellowship of believers and church leadership. It is that community’s lack of involvement and general apathy that allows these sins to have their place. One of my wise clients aptly said that hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.

    There needs to be a culture of loving accountability where these people are not isolated in their difficulties. I think the reason these situations are not dealt with adequately by the leadership and community is because people are not willing to bear one another’s burdens and sacrifice their time and effort to walk along side these couples until restoration and wholeness is achieved. In other words, we’re not collectively answering the call of Jesus Christ on our lives, who has given us the ministry of reconciliation.


  16. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Thanks, Michael. Fortunately, this is something I will never have to worry about because my husband and I have a wonderful relationship after 22 years of marriage. It gets better with every passing year.

    I wish more pastors had your attitude towards abusive husbands. I wasn’t suggesting that there be a rush to divorce.


  17. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Well said!


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    Michael
    I am so confused. Patterson told her to go back to the house and to her husband, where she was being abused and Patterson knew she was being abused, and to stay there praying for her husband. She stupidly took his advice. Said husband then blackened both of her eyes. This happened after Patterson told her to go back.Why was this correct counsel?


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    Deb:

    It’s wonderful to hear that you have such a good marriage. I know you must consider yourself fortunate.


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    Dee:

    Please, listen to the audio clip. My impression was that she had not yet separated from her husband, but was living in the house with him. Paige never uses the word return or instructs her to return. So, my statement about returning was that she had not separated with him. I guess you’re interpreting returning as just going home after talking with Patterson.

    The counsel that I agreed with was to pray and seek God’s intervention. And let me write again what I posted before about staying in the house.

    “However, as I implied in my post, she should have already sought some level of separation to protect herself from physical abuse. There is no reason to continue to put yourself in harm’s way of physical abuse. She can certainly pray for God’s intervention while staying with a friend or a family.”

    I hope this clarifies my view better.


  21. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Michael
    I know that tape very well. Here is the chronology: Wife is smacked around a lot. Wife goes to Patterson to ask what to do. Patterson says go home, kneel by bed, pray. So she does. She gets beat up again and comes to church with black eyes. Patterson rejoices because manipulative abuser is in church.

    Here is how I as her pastor would have changed things. Wife is beaten. Comes to me for advice. I tell her to not go back home. I get her to a battered women’s shelter. I go tell husband if he lays one more hand on her, I will beat him myself. I go to wife, and along with the women’s shelter staff,get her to call cops and get a restraining order and press charges.

    Then I get husband to go into counseling. Hopefully he has been convicted of abuse and has received some form of punishment from the judicial system. Knowing that abusers are highly manipulative, I tell wife to separate from husband for a period of a least a year to see if he can overcome pattern (very few do-I used to be a public health nurse who dealt with abuse).Violence tends to escalate and I would advise wife of high probability of his beating her to a pulp and even killing her after she takes action.
    Where am I not getting this? I’m sorry I sound confused.


  22. Notice: Undefined variable: button in /home/guswo2wr8yyv/public_html/tww2/wp-content/plugins/quote-comments/quote-comments.php on line 127

    Dee:

    It sounds like you are getting it. I agree with much of what you said. I might do things a little differently, but I think we’re on the same track, overall.

    I think it was a bad idea of Patterson to counsel her to remain instead of separate for a season. I’m surprised that no one zeroed in on his other statement to be submissive in every way possible and elevate him. Now that’s just plain nutty, in my opinion.