A Light-Hearted Member’s Meeting That Answers Your Questions!

On Monday, The Chapel re-opened their Slido app for members to ask questions they would like to have answered at their upcoming member’s meeting. The only problem is – if past performance is any predictor of future actions – most of the questions submitted will not be answered. In fact, in my opinion, the questions The Chapel leadership will answer were likely selected prior to any questions being submitted by members. If your question happens to be a question that The Chapel leadership had already planned on answering, it will be answered, otherwise, you are out of luck.

Not to worry though, The Wartburg Watch, in our effort to be inclusive, has decided to have our very own expert, Kip Weasel, answer many of the questions that have been submitted to The Chapel. We hope you enjoy our light-hearted effort at transparency!

So, without further delay, here are actual questions from The Chapel website that Kip has decided to answer.

 

I realize this is a questions that hundreds of members are interested in hearing an answer to, but the subjects of submission and authority are very complex and thus, not easily answered. Therefore, we have turned to our consulting firm, The Middle, and they have produced a short video that we believe will help answer this question.

 


For questions like this, I turn to the Bible which I have found has answers to all of life’s questions.

Turn with me to Revelations 7:9

“After this I beheld, and, lo, a great multitude, which no man could number.”  Next question, please.


Well, as I recall, around Christmas last year Pastor Tim said that while his children were all snug in their beds, visions of sugar-plums danced in his head. Pastor Mike had trouble immediately “catching” Pastor Tim’s vision as he had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

Next question, please.

Several of the Board members did urge Pastor Tim to do so, but Pastor Tim’s attorney didn’t seem real fond of the idea. He started talking about the weather and mentioned how it would be a cold day in Green Bay or some such thing.

Pastor Tim seemed receptive to the idea, he even gave a few “California howdies” to the Board! Nevertheless, no repentance has been forthcoming.

 

 

That’s a great question. Yes.

Next question, please.

I need to remind our members of the ground-rules for submitting questions:

“Tone matters. Any submission that is openly derogatory, harsh, or insulting will not be approved.”

I’m not sure how this slipped past our moderators, but I won’t be answering this question. Next question, please.

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? Judging by the popularity of this question I know there are hundreds of you that would like an answer.

The truth is we can’t locate Tim. Last I heard he was going on another big game hunting safari with his BFF, Thomas White, the President of Cedarville University. He did sell his home and auctioned off most of the contents, so wherever the Lord next takes him in his efforts to extend the Kingdom globally, Tim is now “light” enough to rapidly deploy. We are hopeful that Pastor Tim will make an appearance at our celebration party for Jim Mitchell at the end of this month, but no promises.

Next question, please.

There has always got to be one bitter individual in every church, doesn’t there?

Look, the vast majority of people in our group of churches are not concerned about this. It’s a non-factor.  I suggest this “anonymous” individual quit whining about this and instead concentrate on spreading the Gospel by donating to our Saturate program.

And moderators – you need to step up your game. This doesn’t pass the “tone” test. Any more of these types of questions slip by and you will find yourself looking for a new job. Capiche?

Next question, already.

As most of you are aware, the Board is very busy holding meetings on ways to improve our churches, rewrite our Constitution and implement a cultural change. Quite frankly, we don’t have a lot of time to deal with a few people who are hurting.  We have, however, decided to invite the celebrity faith healer Paula White to our church for a combined celebration for Jim Mitchell and “faith healing for the hurting” program at the end of the month.

For those of you unfamiliar with Paula White, here is a short video of her in action.  Please plan on attending, and of course, don’t forget to RSVP!

That’s a tough question. I recall that I was aware of Pastor Tim’s intentions in mid-April. I remember that because it was a beautiful Saturday morning and Pastor Tim and I were playing a round of golf at the Club. We were making small talk waiting for our tee time when Pastor Tim mentioned that our PPP loan had been forgiven. That was great news as it meant we had an extra $1.2 million in our budget.

Pastor Tim may have mentioned that he might be terminating Pastor Mike’s employment in the near future, but I paid it no attention, I mean, employees come and employees go. It was a fact of life in Pastor Tim’s reign.

About a week later Pastor Mike contacted me, quite distraught as he was having some issues with Pastor Tim concerning his future with The Chapel. I assured him all things work together for good, and didn’t think about it again until Pastor Tim told me in late May that he had to fire Pastor Mike. I told him that was well within his rights and I would write a letter announcing it to The Chapel. It seems I may have underestimated the reaction from the Green Campus members so at that point I talked with some other Board members. That would have been around May 21. I didn’t foresee such a huge mess and to be honest, I still don’t understand what the big deal is. The worst part is I have lost my favorite golfing buddy.

Next question, please.

I can’t speak for The Chapel, but I think the Scriptures are full of great ideas and suggestions on a vast array of subjects. Of course, not everything in the Scriptures are suggestions, like that verse about women being quiet in church and not teaching men. But anyway, yes there are some good ideas in those verses you mentioned.

As for the difference between a trustee and an elder, I would say that trustees are generally smarter, more savvy, and wealthier than elders. Trustees are guys you can “trust” to make large donations to fund the church. Elders are generally more familiar with the Scriptures than trustees, but they don’t know much about money. Elders aren’t critical to the growth of the church, know what I mean? I have yet to see a teaching on the Good Samaritan make a mortgage payment.

If you doubt what I say, just take a look at this statement in The Chapel’s 2019-2020 audit:

Next question, please.

This question obviously violates the ground-rules, specifically; “Statements that are not inquisitive, and simply offer a comment or critique, do not necessitate an answer.”

I see the critique, cleverly sandwiched between two questions.

I cry foul. Next QUESTION, please.

Clearly, nobody is interested in our Constitution. It’s a living document that has outlived its usefulness, therefore we are forced to make the rules up as we go.  Also, refer back a few questions to where I explained we Board members are more intelligent than most people.

You need to learn to trust your leaders, submit to our superior judgements and quit complaining. You remind me of the Israelites in the desert.

That is the end of the questions. I hope you see from my answers that the future of The Chapel is in great hands. You have nothing to worry about. Remember the Scripture verse that talks about what a great sin it is to forsake the assembling of yourselves together. You need to be in church every time the doors are open. If you can’t make it in person you can lessen your state of sinfulness by giving your money on-line.

God has great things in store for The Chapel.  Our best days are yet to come!


Comments

A Light-Hearted Member’s Meeting That Answers Your Questions! — 40 Comments

  1. “if past performance is any predictor of future actions – most of the questions submitted will not be answered. In fact, in my opinion, the questions The Chapel leadership will answer were likely selected prior to any questions being submitted by members” (Todd Wilhelm)

    “The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion” (Noam Chomsky)

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  2. LOL–that ‘splains a lot, Lucy.

    It explains why I would much rather sit on my porch in the ozarks rain while wearing common clothes and read my devotional Bible with a few brief thoughts from Jimmy Carter inside it than get all duded up (dudetted up?) and attend one of these 501 (c) 3 organizations in the middle of a pandemic!

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  3. Max: “The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion” (Noam Chomsky)

    Which is why New Calvinism prefers an elder-rule form of church governance … no congregational input = control the narrative. “Send us your questions and we’ll get back to you” is not truly congregational input. New Calvinism is all about control the pew, control the message, control belief and practice, control every jot and tittle of teaching, control anything and everything … through manipulation, intimidation and domination.

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  4. Ava Aaronson: Only churches I’ve ever seen allowing debate are in the NT book of Acts.

    I was a Southern Baptist for 70+ years (before New Calvinism ran SBC into the ground). While the churches I attended and served in weren’t perfect, they had a congregational form of church governance with periodic meetings where member input and discussion were encouraged. Those “debates” ranged from color the carpet to color of the preacher! At times they got contentious, but were managed well by church staff without any fights breaking out. The meetings began and ended with prayer, with hugs afterward. However, I do remember one very lively business meeting where someone recommended that the church sanctuary be painted pink … whew, talking about weeping and gnashing of teeth! An elder-ruled church misses so much fun 🙂

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  5. Max: all about control the pew, control the message, control belief and practice, control every jot and tittle of teaching, control anything and everything … through manipulation, intimidation and domination.

    Selective control … since pedophiles and what-not predators roam free, practicing their vices, according to Rob Downen’s Houston Chronicle data.

    If the purpose of this high level of control is high moral ground on the premises and in the community, it’s having the opposite effect. Counter-intuitive.

    Perhaps the purpose of the high level of control is to keep the controlling authoritarian leadership comfortably in place, in cash, and on brand. If true, no need to control those who prey on children, and unsuspecting adults.

    Bait and switch: “Our church has its ducks in a row.” Ducks appearing as moral standing but in reality = leadership + sycophants security while plundering of everyone else runs wild.

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  6. “We have, however, decided to invite the celebrity faith healer Paula White to our church for a combined celebration for Jim Mitchell and “faith healing for the hurting” program at the end of the month.

    For those of you unfamiliar with Paula White, here is a short video of her in action. Please plan on attending, and of course, don’t forget to RSVP!”

    POSTSCRIPT: The Board disinvited Paula White. The Board mistakenly thought it was inviting PAUL White.

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  7. DebWill: The Board disinvited Paula White. The Board mistakenly thought it was inviting PAUL White.

    Awww, it’ll be okay. If they need some religious folks to fill “Paul’s” time slot, I’ve still got some snake handling kinfolk in Eastern Kentucky that would love to fill in, snakes included (although I’m sure the Chapel has a few snakes of their own)!

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  8. Max: New Calvinism is all about control

    I think the concept of the reprobate in Calvinism is so problematic in regards to God’s essential “goodness” that New Calvinist churches find themselves exercising thought and information control to keep people from thinking too hard about the system. I suspect this kind of control spills over into other areas.

    Austin Fischer did a great job summarizing this problem on a recent Soteriology 101 podcast. He also has a very gracious attitude toward Calvinists that I wish I could emulate!

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  9. Paul K: I think the concept of the reprobate in Calvinism is so problematic in regards to God’s essential “goodness” that New Calvinist churches find themselves exercising thought and information control to keep people from thinking too hard about the system. I suspect this kind of control spills over into other areas.

    Excellent point. Control the narrative to skip over the bad stuff about Calvin and his theology, and you own them.

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

  10. Muff Potter: Funny and yet not so funny Todd.
    Your post is truly black comedy!

    That.

    Tim Haverstock: You put a lot of work into this….The satire actually seems to be in my opinion holding a lot of Truth

    That.

    Interested: This has cheered me enormously. And I’m in admiration of how you’ve done it. Thank you!

    That.

    And watching the video clip of Paula White was like watching a caricature.

      (Reply & quote selected text)  (Reply to this comment)

Leave a comment - Click here for our commenting rules

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *