Postcard from the Ring Plane (Saturn) NASA
Until we can forgive, we remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom, locked out of the possibility of being at peace. Desmond Tutu
G.R.A.C.E has announced that Samantha Kilpatrick has resigned. I have not been told the reason(s) for this. In June, I wrote the following post: Part 2: Why I Changed the Title of My Former Post to I Still Believe in G.R.A.C.E. I learned some hard truths about myself. I received a number of comments from friends who said I shouldn’t have apologized. I understand. Yes, something did happen to me. I believe that the church was wrong and that I, along with some friends, were treated shamefully. I still do. However, that happened in 2008. I thought I was over the whole mess. After all, that pain led me to start this blog which has been a wonderful experience.
“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” Anne Lamott
I told myself that this blog and the many wonderful people I have met was God’s way of bringing healing to me. I thought I had tied up the difficult experience with a neat bow and stuffed it into the back closet of my mind. However, it was a growing and bulging sack of pain that was straining to be released. Unfortunately, my lack of introspection over the years meant that an explosion was inevitable. It happened when I was asked by G.R.A.C.E.to recount my experience in my former Reformed SBC church. I believe that some people behaved really badly towards me. The legal baloney was over the top. But how long should I hang onto the pain? Surely those who treated me badly have long gone on with their lives with nary a thought about me. I had always hoped for an apology, especially an apology to one young man who was ignored by his pastors.
When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. Katherine Ponder
Frankly, after 13 years, it was silly to imagine that they even cared about what had occurred. Sadly, I still cared and tried to ignore the associated pain. Yes, I was triggered by the fact that I had to verbally recount this situation. My subsequent response led me to understand that I had never fully dealt with the situation in my soul. The only one being hurt by this pain was me.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Lewis B. Smedes
Except for one brave elder, I suspect that I will never receive an apology. Yet, somehow I’ve been hanging onto the hope that it would happen. Instead, I must forgive all of those who caused me both pain. and the loss. of hope. There are others in this story who have already walked that path. It’s time for me to do so.
“As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind.” Isabelle Holland
I forgive all those at my former church who participated in that painful saga. I will not name them. They know who they are. Instead of stuffing the pain into a closet, tied up in a bow, I am attaching it to a beautiful balloon and letting it go.
You’ll never know how strong your heart is until you learn to forgive who broke it. Gracious Quotes
Next time, one of those names gets mentioned, I will stop and pray and remind myself that I have forgiven them.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain
A caveat:
For those of you who have been abused and find yourself in great pain, the purpose of this post is not to tell you to forgive your abuser. Look at my story. It has taken me 13 years to reach this point. The abuse I witnessed and experienced was mild compared to those of you whose stories I have told. There is no timetable for you to forgive. I am not even telling you that you must forgive. I am here to support you wherever you are in your story. Each of us has our own journey and I would never, ever tell you that my journey should be yours.
Thank you to my friends at G.R.A.C.E. who moved me along in my journey.
“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” –C.S. Lewis
Just what is ‘forgiveness’?
I think it’s a fair question.
It’s just me letting go.
A fundamental concept that everyone needs to learn, but in my experience in life, few really do… the lack of it in American Christianity is quite apparent these days..
A beautiful post, Dee.
For myself, I am thankful you took the time to write it.
Thank you for sharing your processing, Dee. Well said.
An elder actually apologized to you,Dee? Never happened to me. I am shocked, but pleased to hear it happened.
Thank you, Dee for the courage to share your soul-searching and pain. It took courage. I had an experience of inappropriate interactions by a pastor decades ago. I too, finally had to let it go–he couldn’t have cared less. Forgiveness was an act of the will I had to do repeatedly. Several years later there was a reunion with the youth group and that particular pastor. The anger was gone. Oddly, all I felt was indifference. There was no longer any “charge” to the situation. I made an appearance to see some friends, and left shortly thereafter. Hopefully this indifference will become true for you as well. Maybe that’s forgiveness, being indifferent regarding the perpetrator.
She’s still listed on their website.
I think that at some point one has to “let go” of a demand for justice or restitution “under the sun.” Living in hope of something that will certainly not happen is unwise.
But what one learned about the individual(s) should be remembered. To “forgive” as a personal posture toward an unrepentant person is not to “extend trust” as if the relationship were restored.
What a wonderful post Dee – I work in Health Psychology, and have begun to talk to those I work with about the power of forgiveness to help them in their general health recovery. I love the quotes – will use those.
Keep up the great work!
As we say down here in Aotearoa / New Zealand – KIA KAHA! BE STRONG!
BTW we have just gone into another complete lockdown – what we call Level 4 where only food, gasoline and medical services are open as the delta variant of covid has been found in one of our cities.
Lots more time, therefore to read good quality bloggers!
Samuel Conner,
Interesting you should write this…. I have been reflecting on Dee’s post, and the whole TWW “ mission”…I think it is really important that what Dee wrote should be said…. it is a personal journey that each of us take on our own, at our own speed, AND it does NOT negate our desire for justice and support, especially defending those that are abused by “ Christians”…. despite what the critics of TWW might say, at lest some of us are not “bitter” trying to undermine the Church…. we just believe the Church should support those abused, and shine light on all the darkness out there
Hi, Dee, thanks for sharing your feelings, it is always good to hear from another believer that admits that living the Christian walk is not easy. I am struggling to forgive another brother who wronged me ( though not nearly as bad as what you went through) and your story and those great quotes are just what I needed to hear to move forward. I do believe in a sort of a “Christian karma” that when you treat people bad , it comes back to haunt you , it least it has been my experience with that when I do wrong to others. I do need the love of Jesus in my life, it seems so easy to be angry these days and to hate . I don’t want to be that person.
Elizabeth,
She’s gone, promise.
Dee I applaud you for your posts, for realizing what you stated, and taking action on it, and choosing to be humble enough to be transparent about it. I have been lurking and commenting here for about six years now I think. What you said I could see reflected at times in things you wrote going back some time. Some of the things I said that you did not like was my attempt to shed some light on things. I am sure what I said was far from perfect, but I have only had intentions to see Christians get better and without stopping and doing some periodic honest self-reflection none of us do.
Being angry over abuse comes easily to all people of all faiths and no faith at all. Going through the process of dealing with trauma fully leads to personal growth and someone who can help someone else when they experience the same trauma. Someone who does not process it gets PTSD to varying degrees, which is just our mind telling us the pain is still there. I have walked through this process and so I have some personal understanding of what I am talking about. The path is not easy but Jesus did say that the path he has for us is narrow, constricting and definitely uphill.
Forgiving people is not excusing their sin and it is not letting some wolf just tare apart more sheep without saying something. It is an inward peace where we give up fantasies of taking revenge on them. It is throwing away the rat poison and letting God administer it to the rats. And for people running these watchblogs there has to be a time each day where you stop thinking about what you have been writing about and let go of the anger. Holding on to the anger just means that you will end up taking it out on your pour loved ones you live with or some commenter that is annoying, but far from the kind of evil that you have written about. I have seen this happen at other blogs. Running a blog should not ruin your life. I have seen myself get too wrapped up just as a commenter and have had to exercise self-control and letting things go. Losing sleep at night over some third parties evil deeds helps no one let alone myself if I let it happen.
Thank you, Dee.
“So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key.” (the Eagles)
Thank you Dee for your insightful and hard won wisdom. I especially liked Anne Lamott and Katherine Porter’s quotes. Each person’s journey is different and progress in different time frames.
I have read that forgiveness takes place between you and God. He works on your heart. Reconciliation is a different issue and requires two people, which may or may not be desirable or even safe.
It comforts me to know, in time the pain can diminish as we trust in God’s willingness to heal our hearts, despite the status of a toxic relationship.
Forgiving doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting. Wartburgers who give their testimonies of abuse may have chosen to forgive the abuser, but by not forgetting they share their stories here to inform and warn others. The key is to balance the two, I believe … to let forgiveness control the moment when past hurt comes to mind. I suppose we all struggle with that in one degree or another.
Max,
It is also why our legal system “attempts” to have “unbiased” judges and juries…. key word is attempt! Not trying to start an argument….
I think we have a duty to support the abused, and speak for them…. which, if we do well, lets the victim begin to deal with the abuse, and how it affected them..
The “Church” or “preacher boys” telling the abuse they need to exhibit “Christian grace/forgiveness”, disgusts me..
I think that Karma is Karma, and that she may even have a sister called Comeuppance. Point is, Karma (in my opinion) has no religious affiliation, ‘Christian’ or other, she just goes about restoring balance to the universe.
Sooner or later you ‘get’ exactly what you doled out.
Chuckp,
“I do believe in a sort of a “Christian karma” that when you treat people bad , it comes back to haunt you”
++++++++++++++++++
re: karma, just jumping in to say (as i see it) karma was created by God. it’s a one-word distillation of the concept “whatever a man sows, that he will also reap” (mentioned in Gal 6, but described elsewhere in the bible)
.
.
(I run across ‘biblical truths’ in so many places outside of christianity. such truths are so ubiquitous that thinkers across time and space recognize them and give them names, without ever having opened a bible.
i find it validating to my own faith.)
Muff Potter,
yeah, i like how you said it better. karma just is. like gravity just is. what goes up, well, it comes down. cause and effect.
To me ‘forgiveness’ is simply not responding in kind when you (generic you) have had missiles with active warheads raining down onto your territory.
You just stand down and don’t use your own arming and launch codes.
There it is, simple, sweet, and straight to the point, without 3000 words of christianese gobbledygook.
It says nothing whatsoever about reconciliation (another meaningless word in this context), with beach walks holding hands in the moonlight.
Injun Joe,
“You just stand down and don’t use your own arming and launch codes.”
++++++++++++++
i really like your metaphor, Joe. a succinct & crystallized explanation that brings in immediate depth of significance in so few words.
the alternative is simply scorched-earth self-defeat.
(i really didn’t aim for alliteration — takes too much time to edit it out)
Chuckp,
So nice to hear from you!!!
Well said. Though (as a lawyer) I don’t think overt or even unconscious bias is the primary flaw in imperfect outcomes in legal proceedings, most of the time. Most legal cases involve conflicting evidence, and despite how open-and-shut a case may seem in the news… there is always more to the story. That “more to the story” is different in each case and is the complexity that judges and juries have to wrestle with. My personal observation is that judges and juries are actually quite conscientious about trying to ascertain the facts and apply them to the law to the best of their ability: and most are very keenly aware of their shortcomings in doing so in a perfect manner.
Unless you find it absolutely necessary to knock the hell out of them and tell God someone else did it.
My husband was once on Grand Jury duty for 2 wks. The police brought a case to them in which a woman’s husband (boyfriend?) had thrown a brick at her car. When the woman testified, they quickly realized that she had neglected to tell the officers that she had tried to run him over with the car first! (“Excuse me, could you repeat that please?”)
Case went bye-bye…
They are really telling the abused “Keep your mouth shut. Help us cover this up.”
Wartburgers, please pause to pray for the awful situation in Afghanistan. Several U.S. service members and civilians were killed and injured today in suicide bombings at Kabul airport.
I second the motion Max, I’m told that prayer changes things… can’t hurt to try.
And also, that we learn our lesson as to what’s in our National interest, and what’s not.
That has its place too (Ecclesiastes).
Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated.
Silver Rule: Treat others as they treat you.
Sometimes I and maybe others end up taking the silver!
“a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace”
Ecclesiastes 3
Not to kid you here. I got in a dispute with the two leaders of a Christian non-profit zoom group I had been attending where, on my fourth anniversary, I was told a bit rudely to leave the group and then was left in the waiting room the whole time of the actual meeting without forewarning or explanation.
The head honcho sent me bullet points today of three areas of trouble that they had with me. One of them was “that I criticized the President too much!” And the great irony is that the other one I have heard been quite a bit angrier and critical at the president then I ever was. Only in western Christianity…
Max,
Amen.
With Long Pious Prayers for Justification.
It seems worth pointing out that forgiveness and expecting accountability are not inconsistent. I hold no ill-will towards my former priest and parish. But I do expect accountability and have no problem with telling others about my experience. Nor do I have any problem snickering when folks say, “let go and let God, and responding by saying, “No doubt you would find it convenient if I were to give it a rest. But that’s not happening—so let go and shove off.” LOL
Muff Potter,
‘Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.”
SarahM,
I agree, cessation of hostilities.
But it DOES NOT include full reconciliation, or holding hands on a moonlit beach.