Have You Been Reported to Your Church Leaders? TWW Has Got You Covered!

A joke is a very serious thing.  -Winston Churchill

Manukan,_Mamutik_&_Sulug_-_Happy_Islands.jpg: Thien Zie Yung
Happy Islands- Thien Zie Yung-Wikicommons

​In 2012, I wrote a humorous post about coverings.A few readers have asked me to rerun it. So, I have decided to do so with a few additions. Dr Jon is the pen name my husband used when he wrote a few posts in the past.


We break into our regularly scheduled kvetching to bring our readers three new fee-for-service product lines to be provided by TWW along with one free service that only requires a nominal™love™ offering.™(Think of it like processing,shipping and handling charges.)

1. "We’ve Got You Covered" Insurance.

This product is primarily aimed at our female audience.

  • Are you mired in a church that demands that a man “cover” you?
  • Are you single, 55 years old and stuck with being covered by a 27-year-old “elder?”
  • Does your church teach that being under the “covering of Jesus” is not enough? That every woman needs a godly man who is in authority over her?

What’s a woman to do?

TWW has a way to get your covering-happy church off your back with “We’ve got you covered “insurance!

Here is how it works. For a low annual fee of $100 (with a 20% discount for full time missionaries), Dr. Jon will send you a document certifying that he is fully covering you: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

For a nominal $20 (plus S+H) extra, we will send you a Egyptian cotton covering (It may look like a Walmart hand towel but do not ask any questions) which you may carry in your purse. It can be thrown on your head at a moment’s notice if any elder complains about your uncovered status.You can rest securely, knowing that  Dr Jon personally prayed over this covering, insuring its infusion with his spiritually superior covering.

For a further fee of $15, you will receive a phone number, which will be answered by Dr. Jon or his designated representatives. Said person will reassure any pastor or elder of your total and complete coverage. Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary) will be a living testimony to your high-quality coverage. Be the envy of all you friends who are stuck reporting to one of CJ Mahaney’s appointed “pastors.”

Sign up and you can say “I am fully covered by some old dude in Raleigh.”

2. Certificate of Member in Good Standing of The Church at Wartburg

  • Were you thrown out of your church for telling your pastor that you think Mark Driscoll is whacked?
  • Is your former congregation shunning you because you laughed out loud during the service when the pastor said CJ Mahaney’s book, Humility, is the definitive work on the subject?
  • Have you been placed under church discipline for asking why your pastor has not been in the pulpit for 6 months because he is attending every single Calvinista conference out there? (They told the congregation he will most likely be able to do the Christmas sermon, after all.)

Are you now wondering how you will present yourself to a new church? Well, thanks to your blog queens, your worries are over!

For one low price of $100, we will provide you with “A Member in Good Standing of the Church at Wartburg” certificate. This church is an increasingly recognized and respected (well, kind of, sorta) non-denominational, international church and will give you instant recognition as a quality Christian.

Pastors Dee and Deb will personally sign this certificate. However, if this would cause conflict due to the complementarian nature of a prospective church, Dr. Jon (who officially completed one semester of seminary) will sign the certificate for a nominal extra fee of $50.

To increase your potential status in your prospective church of choice, for a small, additional fee, the certificate can provide a listing of your designated roles in Wartburg. Here are a few options.

  • Bible study leader (ESV only) ($25)
  • Bible study leader (NIV 2011) ($2.99)
  • Bible study leader (KJVO) (Thou payest only $1.49)
  • Elder who agrees with pastor 100% ($79.95)
  • Elder who agrees with pastor 50% ($35.99)
  • Worship Leader who uses SGM only songs ($100)
  • Worship leader who dresses in tight jeans, pointy toed shoes and has a tattoo and cool glasses ($1,000)
  • Sunday school leader and expert on Mark Driscoll’s Song of Solomon sermons ($2,345.27)
  • Sunday School leader who is personally descended from a Puritan ($2.99) (Genealogy papers provided for an extra $5.00)

Your worries are gone in the blink of an eye when you sign up to be a "Member in Good Standing" of the Church at Wartburg.

3. “What Is the Name of Your Pastor?” Coverage

  • Did you leave a stinging response on Doug Wilson’s blog, telling him to go colonize Mars? Did he ask for the name of your pastor?
  • Did you, in the heat of the moment, comment at the Bayly brothers blog, Baylyblog, that you son was accepted by the New York City Ballet link? Have they been seeking a subpoena in order to out you so they can call your pastor?
  • Did you snort during the conference in which Wayne Grudem told everyone women will be subordinate to men forever and ever amen? Did he take down your name ask who your pastor is?
  • Did you open a parody account to respond to John Piper's poetry? Did you use the words muscular, female and pastor over and over? Is one of Piper's BFFs threatening to out you to your church?

Do not despair! TWW has the solution for your problem!

For $100, and an annual renewal fee of $45, we will provide you with a direct number to Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary), insuring that you will be viewed as one who chooses pastors with careful consideration of their theological qualifications.  He will emphatically, and solemnly, state that he is your pastor and views you as a role model for all women who are allowed to read the Bible out loud in their churches.

Not only will he defend your spiritual credentials but will tell said inquirer(s) to lay off or he will impose long-distance, spiritual discipline. This discipline will include, but not be limited to, notifying the Mormon church that said pastor is a direct descendent of Brigham Young and wants young missionaries to visit him at his church. Dr. Jon will also send him a signed, complimentary CD of Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary) reciting the entire Left Behind series in Bulgarian.

4. Certified™ ordination papers and title of church office held.

As we are told, church leaders are worthy of double honor. These are sacred offices and should not be defiled by charging money for such a position. Therefore, we have created a voluntary™ love offering. For a nominal (which is defined by the recipient) love offering, you, too, can get an official  certificate of ordination signed by Pastors Dee and Deb. If you willing to share the love a bit more, Dr Jon (who officially completed one semester of seminary) will sign the certificate.

Here are some of the sacred offices that you might be eligible to fill. These are highly desired positions so remember that when you think about your voluntary love offereing.These are listed in order of rank. That should give you an idea of the voluntary™and appropriate™ love™ offering™.

Pastor of a remote campus (Listed in order of importance when it comes to ascertaining the size of the voluntary™ love offering)

  1. Key West
  2. Cancun
  3. Maui
  4. US Virgin Islands
  5. Bali
  6. Bora Bora
  7. Maldives
  8. Louisville

Executive Pastor: Comes with a copy of certified™ budget which was overseen. For certified budgets over $40 million, reconsider the amount of your love offering.
Pastor Emeritus: Walks around, looking quite important and has time to write books that no one reads.
Church Secretary:  She/he knows where the bodies are buried. It is considered a position of strength, perfect for those who wish to earn a little money on the side.
Head of Fundraising: A much desired workhorse. Most churches are willing to overlook certain indiscretions like being Arminian in order to obtain one for their church. Please call us if you wish to claim amounts in excess of to  $40 million.
Bishop: This comes complete with a white collar in order to get prime seating in restaurants. Also, women love a man in uniform.
Head Apostle (We have it on good authority that CJ Mahaney no longer uses this title.) Think about it. Complete deniability and passing the buck makes this a most admired position.

Be the envy of all your friends. And don’t forget, when push comes to shove, TWW has you covered. 

An ode to churches who have done their members wrong.

Comments

Have You Been Reported to Your Church Leaders? TWW Has Got You Covered! — 171 Comments

  1. Do you have the one for when a person asked the elders what mind control looks like and “umm, btw, where did Jesus go? Can’t seem find Him here any more.” ???

  2. Love it. The covering cloth reminded me that somewhere around here I still have a “prayer cloth” and letter from Robert Tilton. It’s a hoot.

  3. Ah, too bad this is a fake product. I have been part of a health care sharing ministry instead of having insurance. Unfortunately, to submit a claim, you need to have a church official sign off on a paper saying you “belong” to that fellowship, etc. (It used to say “are a member of.”) I attend a Methodist church but don’t want to join because it would require taking vows about serving Jesus “through the Methodist church.” I don’t believe in taking vows (and yes, if I ever lost my husband and wanted to remarry I would hesistate to have wedding vows) and certainly not vague ones that sound like a life-long committment to the UMC. I don’t consider myself a Methodist, but it is the closest fit in the land of SBC (and non-denominational churches that are SBC-like) churches that don’t offer full equality to women.

  4. Hah! I completed all but my last thesis for my MTS program, so I am infinitely more qualified than this Jon fellow. I offer my services (and I will take half of whatever Jon’s cut is). 😉

  5. I was laughing because you described me in the first part of the post. Maybe I should sign up. Oh wait, I left CLC. Don’t need it!

  6. Eeyore wrote:

    I offer my services (and I will take half of whatever Jon’s cut is).

    For a small love offering I will consider your offer.

  7. How much would a tarp cost? Hand towel will not do the job at this point. While I did not laugh out loud at anything, my jaw dropped to the floor when I realized I was having conversations with people who seriously believe the CBMW dogma was written on tablets of stone by the finger of God. Oh, now that I think about it, I did make snarky comments about People of Destiny International and Humilityto a bunch of people who I did not know are unabashed fanboys. Still. That later proved somewhat…awkward. Definitely blue tarp-worthy.

  8. @ Gram3:
    To clarify I did LOL at the post. I would not want to offend the Authorities at The Wartburg Church lest they refuse to provide my covering.

  9. I humbly believe, as an angry white man, I could offer so much to this Gospel-centered™ program. Considering I was not consulted in the process at all, I must withhold my support until my name can be displayed in a prominent sponsorship position. I want a seat at the table. And a bbq buffet, courtesy of the SBC.

  10. Tim wrote:

    If only I could afford your services. I want a head covering!

    The missus has one you can have. She don’t need it no more.

  11. @ dee:

    Tell Doc Jon to take care lest some whippersnapper tries taking him to task for supporting the usurpers!

  12. Oh, please! Not Louisville, Kentucky!

    If any single ladies in Kentucky need coverings for their heads, I’ll give’em my old plastic table cloths for free! They’re pretty — fake lace, in beige or white!

  13. Tim wrote:

    If only I could afford your services. I want a head covering!

    Don’t judges in the country which is the kephale of the United States have impressive headcovering/wigs so that the whippersnappers know who’s who?

  14. I absolutely need all of these Gospel™ service. Please have PastorDoctorJon sign off on all of my certificates and send immediately. The Love™ Offering™ check is in the mail.

  15. Bridget wrote:

    @ Bridget:
    BTW I much prefer *usurpress*. It has a much more regal ring to it.

    Yeah, you go to the Walmart toy aisle and get yourself a Plastic crown to wear over that Walmart towel!

  16. GovPappy wrote:

    I must withhold my support until my name can be displayed in a prominent sponsorship position.

    So, how much love™ can you send to my Cayman Islands account?

  17. Just in time! Even in Texas, I’ve noticed a tragically un-gospel-centered-authentic-Jesus-folliwng-churched area at Kyle Field in College Station. Please support my church plant! It will of course be called The Local Church, and we’ll have two services during every Fightin’ Texas Aggie home game. Cover my season tickets and I will reach the lost!

    Whoop!

  18. Oh man I forgot to tell you all how prayerfully I came up with that idea. Joshua Shank was right, church planting is hard.

  19. Is there an indulgen- *ahem* Love™ Offering™ available for being filled with a spirit of Winsomeness™?

  20. Chemie wrote:

    Is there an indulgen- *ahem* Love™ Offering™ available for being filled with a spirit of Winsomeness™?

    There are a couple of plans. It depends on if you want the spirit of Winsomeness for Eternity, or just for a Season.

  21. Oh, my! I want to fill a sacred office, but I just can’t make up my mind between two possibilities.
    I don’t know whether I want to put my bling on and be Pastor Emeritus in Bora Bora, or be the Chuch Secretary in Louisville so I can bury some more bodies.

    Dee,
    On the list of things that are offered in this insurance policy, I can’t find any mention of boots. You really should provide boots for the men whose wives are not submissive enough. That is a critical part of the doctrine!

  22. Seeing as how so many pastors discount my critique because I am not part of the club I could use one of your honorary executive pastor certificates.

    On second thought I’d feel I’d betrayed my principles and gone over to the dark side.

  23. K.D. wrote:

    How much for a Doctor of Divinity degree?

    We are working on developing our own boutique seminary. We will keep you posted.

  24. Lydia wrote:

    I request my ordination papers display this title: Prophetess, Priestess and Queen.

    If TWW can’t oblige I’ll gladly print something up. I can go up to 44″ by 10′, how big do you want it? I’ll even sign my own name with an appropriate title, to be determined.

  25. Stan wrote:

    Please support my church plant!

    You have overstepped your boundaries. No one but us raise love™ offerings on this site.

  26. Nancy2 wrote:

    I’ll give’em my old plastic table cloths for free! They’re pretty — fake lace, in beige or white!

    I like those fake lace plastic tablecloths.

  27. dee wrote:

    Ahem…You are now under discipline for trying to usurp our authority.

    Yeah, bad form. I’ve run into those guys that try to sell you something while in someone else’s store. But hey, if you need to outsouce, I’m there for you.

  28. Lydia wrote:

    Include a wallet sized laminate copy, please. I need to be able to whip this out on a moments notice.

    I can laminate it to a baseball bat, much more effective. Let me know your preference, wood or aluminum. I prefer wood, the aluminum ones don’t have the right sound.

  29. @ dee:

    Pastor Dee, I submit to your loving care. And yes everyone, I am available to autograph the church bulletin announcing my restoration.

  30. Dee, can you also send along an official stamp,

    From the desk of
    PASTOR BILL

    Thanks and great doing business with you.

  31. Oh, and don’t forget my official coffee mug, and some of those pre-printed post-it-notes with my title on them too please.

    What a great place, I wish I found this place sooner.

  32. Dr Jon can you tell me ‘how large will my love offering have to be so I can call my self ‘Right Reverend’? I need this title because then I will never ever have to argue that I am right because my title tells everyone I am.

  33. Bishop: This comes complete with a white collar in order to get prime seating in restaurants. Also, women love a man in uniform.

    Shouldn’t this also come with a purple shirt attached to the white collar, or do you have some other color scheme in mind? Or does this depend on the size of the check?

    In the meantime I’d better contact the rubber factory to see if my checks have been shipped.

  34. I would like to request a quote for an honorary Y chromosome and any required accessory items so that the Holy Spirit can speak directly to me and I can speak directly to John Piper and teach males over the age of 6.

  35. Gram3 wrote:

    honorary Y chromosome and any required accessory items

    LOL! I’m eager to learn about the “accessory items” that come with this purcha– um, I mean Love Offering™

  36. Gram3 wrote:

    I would like to request a quote for an honorary Y chromosome and any required accessory items so that the Holy Spirit can speak directly to me and I can speak directly to John Piper and teach males over the age of 6.

    Fantastic!!!! Ha ha ah. Just make sure that honorary Y chromosome has Velcro so that you can take it off when you don’t need it!!!

  37. Bill M wrote:

    Lydia wrote:

    Include a wallet sized laminate copy, please. I need to be able to whip this out on a moments notice.

    Gives new meaning to a “Louisville Slugger”.
    I can laminate it to a baseball bat, much more effective. Let me know your preference, wood or aluminum. I prefer wood, the aluminum ones don’t have the right sound.

  38. Dee, before handing out Certified™ ordination papers be sure to get the proper accreditation. You can email me privately at Council for Higher Evangelical Education in South Yonkers (CHEESY), we can arrange a flexible payment plan.

    Yours truly,
    Bill M

    “Is living by faith too hard? Try CHEESY.”

  39. Since leaders often recycle “content”, I’m recycling my “content” from 35 months ago.
    ‘Enclosed please find my $2.99 Puritan SS Teacher donation. Have geneology already, so $5.00 not enclosed.
    Admonition from Apostle Appalled to the Revs: Forthwith change all “Fee” terminology to “Donation” terminology. Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.
    Seal Of Approval by Apostle Appalled: Dr. Jon is certified to be under my shepherding– to the same extent that I am under the shepherding of Pope Piper.’

  40. Hey!! Can I get my great-grandmother’s mourning veil blessed? No use using up plastic tablecloths. I have the real thing!!

    PS: Honest, I really do have it in my closet. She was a preacher’s wife, & she had to be ready to 😉 mourn at every funeral in town, all at a moment’s notice.

  41. HoppyTheToad wrote:

    I attend a Methodist church but don’t want to join because it would require taking vows about serving Jesus “through the Methodist church.”

    Without wishing to insert a grey monotone into an otherwise colourfully winsome thread… that requirement grieves me a great deal. Indeed, as Aragorn once said *, it grieves me more than many things that might seem worse. Of course it’s by no means limited to the Methodist church – as we know, it’s pushed very hard by some groups of which I’d be much warier.

    I wonder whether the early Corinthian church had instigated something similar, such that they had to take a membership vow to follow Apollos, Paul, Cephas etc, or else be deemed unbiblical lone-ranger Christians. ISTM that committing to serve a para-church group rather than the whole local (and national) church is precisely the modern-day equivalent. A denomination, however noble, is a para-church organisation.

    * Disclaimer: Aragorn is a pretend person.

  42. Gram3 wrote:

    Tim wrote:
    If only I could afford your services. I want a head covering!
    Don’t judges in the country which is the kephale of the United States have impressive headcovering/wigs so that the whippersnappers know who’s who?

    In the U.S., Judges don’t have “head coverings”, they have “shoulder coverings”, aka judicial robes. The idea is that their minds are free but their hearts must be covered to protect them from emotions getting involved in their decisions!!!!

  43. K.D. wrote:

    How much for a Doctor of Divinity degree?

    You have to supply a batch that you cooked up yourself. The Deebs have a sweet tooth apiece.

  44. Nancy2 wrote:

    On the list of things that are offered in this insurance policy, I can’t find any mention of boots. You really should provide boots for the men whose wives are not submissive enough. That is a critical part of the doctrine!

    Pastors only get one boot, the left boot of disfellowship!

  45. My favorite post ever…when i read this a couple years ago, I was still aching and confused from my own experience. I was laughing so hard I was crying. I think the ridiculous absurdity of trying to convince people that shaming and money-grubbing and partiality and a phony hierarchy are evidence of “love” (TM)? hit home when i read this. Thanks for sharing it again with a new generation of TWWatchers.

  46. Gram3 wrote:

    I would like to request a quote for an honorary Y chromosome and any required accessory items so that the Holy Spirit can speak directly to me and I can speak directly to John Piper and teach males over the age of 6.

    My gosh…. *Standing ovation*

    Leaders aren’t made, they’re born.

  47. GovPappy wrote:

    Gram3 wrote:

    I would like to request a quote for an honorary Y chromosome and any required accessory items so that the Holy Spirit can speak directly to me and I can speak directly to John Piper and teach males over the age of 6.

    My gosh…. *Standing ovation*

    Leaders aren’t made, they’re born.

    Here, I’m not using mine – since I’m in an egalitarian relationship and I submit to the missus, therefore I would fail Piper’s manliness test, and certainly Driscoll’s.

  48. As for that 55 year old single woman…I’d be surprised if the church even knows she exists. She could be educated, highly successful in the secular world, even an executive, and maybe allowed the honor of handing out bulletins at church. But, no one is going to ask her advice, or seek her leadership. (And, she probably doesn’t give a flip about being under covering of some supposed elder.) It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance for a professional single women to be a church member.

  49. Rob wrote:

    As for that 55 year old single woman…I’d be surprised if the church even knows she exists. She could be educated, highly successful in the secular world, even an executive, and maybe allowed the honor of handing out bulletins at church. But, no one is going to ask her advice, or seek her leadership. (And, she probably doesn’t give a flip about being under covering of some supposed elder.) It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance for a professional single women to be a church member.

    Rob just described me (except I must add an ancient divorce and single parenting in my personal history).

    Thank you, Dr. Jon, for the offer of “We’ve Got You Covered” Insurance. But due to the cognitive dissonance and my own frugality, I decided (darn–“I” decided)to turn down your offer. In my career and geographic moves, I scrutinize the local folks in certain denominations–like Evangelical Covenant, United Methodist, and Episcopal churches. No covenant signed, no gender restrictions, and–although some might not believe it–the Gospel and Kingdom on earth taught and lived out in the community. No Coverage wanted or needed.

  50. @ Deb Willi:

    Instead of spending money on Dr.Jon’s unnecessary Coverage policy, I’ll keep my membership in Christians for Biblical Equality (CBE) updated!

  51. Bill M wrote:

    Dee, before handing out Certified™ ordination papers be sure to get the proper accreditation. You can email me privately at Council for Higher Evangelical Education in South Yonkers (CHEESY), we can arrange a flexible payment plan.
    Yours truly,
    Bill M
    “Is living by faith too hard? Try CHEESY.”

    LOL LOL! You’re killing me, Bill M. Oh, my goodness, reading these comments has started my morning off right.

  52. I still have my abaya and niqab from living in the Middle East. I can be really *covered* if I want to be. Of course, such *covering* would definitely get me branded as apostate. 🙂

  53. So, I’m almost 58, happily single, self-supporting, and serving the Lord–Do you have any sandwich boards that say “I am just fine-bug off?”

  54. LInn wrote:

    Do you have any sandwich boards that say “I am just fine-bug off?”

    You can order a t-shirt that says “bite me” from Amazon. If that seems a little harsh, they also sell one that says “meh.” 🙂

  55. Bill M wrote:

    Dee, before handing out Certified™ ordination papers be sure to get the proper accreditation. You can email me privately at Council for Higher Evangelical Education in South Yonkers (CHEESY), we can arrange a flexible payment plan.

    Perhaps we can arrange a joint venture. We have a certified TWW lawyer who obtained his credentials by going through our rigorous TWW Lawyer’s College headed by Dee. Yes, she never went to law school. Neither did CJ Mahaney got to college or seminary. Did it stop him? No! he carried on courageously. I learn for the very best.
    as i will.

  56. You folks could do a really brisk bizz with the sale of indulgences too. You should consider letting Potter work up a price list for various sins and peccadillos. He won’t even ask for 10% off the top. His attorney Sid Stern will negotiate something between five & ten I’m told. You guys game?

  57. Dave A A wrote:

    Admonition from Apostle Appalled to the Revs: Forthwith change all “Fee” terminology to “Donation” terminology. Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.

    We voted to secede from your oversight. If CLC can do it, so can we. Repeat after me-I am no longer an Apostle.

  58. Rob wrote:

    It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance for a professional single women to be a church member.

    The inattention to certain sunsets really irritates me. As for cognitive dissonance, read my planned post on “Queen Esther was a slut-Part 2” on Monday. This time, its a woman involved.

  59. zooey111 wrote:

    Can I get my great-grandmother’s mourning veil blessed

    The answer is yes, after we receive your entirely voluntary love offering. And just like Jesus healed people from a distance, we will offer our drone service to deliver a recording of Dee proclaiming the blessing.

    PS-Would you be willing to send me a picture of that mourning veil? I am curious.

  60. @ Gram3:
    Merely speak to us and your prayers are certified “officially heard.” (Small print-This only works after the receipt and cleared deposit of a fully voluntary love offering.)

  61. singleman wrote:

    Shouldn’t this also come with a purple shirt attached to the white collar, or do you have some other color scheme in mind?

    Actually, TWW is known for its impeccable taste. We have a summer and winter shirt that, for a small love offering, can b enclosed with your initial order. The summer shirt is made of blue seersucker and has little pink whales on the buttons. In the winter, we feature a red and green madras with silhouettes of Dee and Deb on each button. These items are guaranteed to get you prime seating at Golden Corral.

  62. rhondajeannie wrote:

    Dr Jon can you tell me ‘how large will my love offering have to be so I can call my self ‘Right Reverend’? I

    Reach into your heart as well as your wallet. We would never dishonor the sacred duties if this office by discussing money. However, if you reach into your wallet and find it lacking, we can arrange for your to become an Asst.to the Right Reverend.

  63. @ Bill M:
    Would you like the coffee mug with my picture on it or the one with the boys all sitting together at the last T4G conference?

  64. GovPappy wrote:

    . I want a seat at the table.

    Seats are provided only for those who submit an eye popping and entirely voluntary love offering. What sort of BBQ she asks suspiciously? I hope you are talking about North Carolina and not that Louisville perversion.

  65. dee wrote:

    Neither did CJ Mahaney got to college or seminary. Did it stop him? No! he carried on courageously.

    Actually fake diploma mills, accrediting each other pretty well describes what they do. The key ingredient missing from your venture is that unstoppable non-sleeping narcissist drive to prop yourself up above others.

    By the way, can you do t-shirts? Or maybe embroidered polo shirts?
    Member in good standing,
    Church of DONE

    Thanks, toss that in with my certificate, coffee mug, post-its. Just add it to my bill.

  66. dee wrote:

    Would you like the coffee mug with my picture on it or the one with the boys all sitting together at the last T4G conference?

    The former please, the latter, gag, would break me of the coffee habit.

  67. @ dee:

    Do you offer discounts for multiple purchases from your fee-for-service product lines? Something like, purchase three items and get the fourth item (of equal or lesser value) free.

  68. Let’s see. I’m 55-year old mom, with a 27 year old son. Sonny recognizes my life-experience, appreciates my wisdom, and values my input.

    On the other hand, I’m a 55-year old (unmarried) woman in the church. I’m deemed feeble, incompetent, prone to deception, heresy, rebellion, and need to seek covering, wisdom, guidance, instruction, from a 27-year old male elder.

    Oh, by the way, I’m so proud; Sonny has just been ordained an elder.

  69. Muff Potter wrote:

    You folks could do a really brisk bizz with the sale of indulgences too.

    I am thinking selling indulgences could be in lieu of church discipline.

  70. Rob wrote:

    On the other hand, I’m a 55-year old (unmarried) woman in the church. I’m deemed feeble, incompetent, prone to deception, heresy, rebellion, and need to seek covering, wisdom, guidance, instruction, from a 27-year old male elder.

    Yeah, it is a bit disconcerting to see your church elder at Walgreens buying Clearasil. Not an uncommon occurrence where I live.

  71. Bill M wrote:

    “Is living by faith too hard? Try CHEESY.”

    Bill, When you run out of CHEESY platitudes, please consult the masters of cheesy resource as reference: SGMWikileaks

  72. Joe2 wrote:

    d get the fourth item (of equal or lesser value

    Humpf! There is nothing of lesser value in our nationally recognized and certified products!

  73. Bill M wrote:

    Member in good standing,
    Church of DONE

    We do not allow advertising of other products, particularly inferior ones, on this website.

  74. dee wrote:

    We do not allow advertising of other products, particularly inferior ones, on this website.

    Okay, please make it

    Member in good standing,
    Church of TWW

    Of course, awaiting approval of humble blog Queens.

  75. Lydia wrote:

    Bill, When you run out of CHEESY platitudes, please consult the masters of cheesy resource as reference: SGMWikileaks

    Doing a quick consult I found the following quote from CJ:
    “Our characters must be more persuasive than our speech.”
    I don’t know about cheesy, but it is full of irony.

  76. Bill M wrote:

    … “Our characters must be more persuasive than our speech”…

    Which is an interesting strategy, but you can only fake character using clever speech for so long.

  77. dee wrote:

    .
    We voted to secede from your oversight.

    Humph!
    Who needs you anyway?
    Louisville needs my church-planting expertise.
    Did I mention my sermons are the highlight of their week?
    Now about those pugs— you wouldn’t want their snuggles and life challenges to become publicly known, would you?
    Oh, and voting is unbiblical, and likely bitter…
    Humbly yours,
    Your Affectionate Uncle

  78. Nick Bulbeck wrote:

    Bill M wrote:
    … “Our characters must be more persuasive than our speech”…
    Which is an interesting strategy, but you can only fake character using clever speech for so long.

    Or (literally) handwaving.

  79. dee wrote:

    zooey111 wrote:

    Can I get my great-grandmother’s mourning veil blessed

    The answer is yes, after we receive your entirely voluntary love offering. And just like Jesus healed people from a distance, we will offer our drone service to deliver a recording of Dee proclaiming the blessing.

    And for an Extra Voluntary Love Offering, you get an Honorary Doctorate!

  80. BeenThereDoneThat wrote:

    I still have my abaya and niqab from living in the Middle East. I can be really *covered* if I want to be. Of course, such *covering* would definitely get me branded as apostate.

    If it ain’t a Chadoor or Burqa, You Ain’t REALLY Covered.

  81. Rob wrote:

    Oh, by the way, I’m so proud; Sonny has just been ordained an elder.

    That’s (Honorary) DOCTOR Sonny!

  82. dee wrote:

    @ Bill M:
    Ahem…You are now under discipline for trying to usurp our authority.

    Respect Yawh Ah Thor’ay Tay?

    Filed under-who’s your pastor.. Wait a minute. Are you saying that people actually have been asked who the pastor is? I really must know. I can think of nothing else now as I munch on my (very late) lunch. =:o

  83. Why aren’t there Ladies Kitchen Committees at the campuses with “Team Leaders” for the committees???
    You can’t have a REAL church without potluck, covered dish fellowship meals.

    We who are subordinated need a jobs (on a volunteer rotation) that will make us feel wanted.
    Shoot, the only times some of us get any praise is when we bring a great covered dish!

  84. Nancy2 wrote:

    You can’t have a REAL church without potluck, covered dish fellowship meals.

    Call Sonny’s BBQ-great chicken and pork and they do the cleanup.

  85. nathan priddis wrote:

    e. Are you saying that people actually have been asked who the pastor is? I really must know.

    Yes. Lots of people. Even me…. That is why I never give the name of my current church. And that is no joke.

  86. Joe2 wrote:

    get the fourth item (of equal or lesser value) free.

    Everything is considered free. All donations are voluntary!

  87. Omigosh, ohmigosh, made my Sunday…lol on a bus on the way to church so have made a complete idiot of myself…comments as funny as the article…

  88. dee wrote:

    Nancy2 wrote:
    You can’t have a REAL church without potluck, covered dish fellowship meals.
    Call Sonny’s BBQ-great chicken and pork and they do the cleanup.

    Well, now. That renders the church Ladies pretty useless! What WILL we do with ourselves?

  89. Rob wrote:

    As for that 55 year old single woman…I’d be surprised if the church even knows she exists. She could be educated, highly successful in the secular world, even an executive, and maybe allowed the honor of handing out bulletins at church. But, no one is going to ask her advice, or seek her leadership. (And, she probably doesn’t give a flip about being under covering of some supposed elder.) It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance for a professional single women to be a church member.

    I am this woman and this is one reason why I’m on the board of directors of a secular non-profit. (Besides the fact that the president of the non-profit asked me.) I just wish we had even a few percent of the money flowing in to one of my local megas every year.

  90. Seriously, though, can I get some sort of ministerial thing that says:

    Reverend Miss Mirele, Harridan and Virago, J.D.

    ?

    I know, I know, love offering to the Deebs.

  91. @ Rob:

    I’m not in my 50s yet, but, most of your post fits me.

    Singles also get tired of every other sermon being about marriage. Marriage marriage marriage marriage.

  92. Pingback: Bunker Junk: July 26 – August 1 Intel Report | Pulpit & Pen UNITED STATES

  93. dee wrote:

    nathan priddis wrote:

    e. Are you saying that people actually have been asked who the pastor is? I really must know.

    Yes. Lots of people. Even me…. That is why I never give the name of my current church. And that is no jok

    Lord have mercy. I’ll trust that you would never kid a kid.

  94. dee wrote:

    Reach into your heart as well as your wallet. We would never dishonor the sacred duties if this office by discussing money. However, if you reach into your wallet and find it lacking, we can arrange for your to become an Asst.to the Right Reverend.

    Asst to the Right Reverend would mean that I am only ‘right’ half the time not all the time. Would it help appealing to your generosity?

  95. What a week, thanks for this little oasis. After the nearly 1,500 comments on the two women subjugation posts, and then reading some of the defenders of FCC it is a good place to slow down.

    Can you do up some Piper and Driscoll bobble heads that I can attach to my bumper? Just include them with the rest of my order. Looking forward to the coffee mug with your picture.

  96. Mykingdomforahorse wrote:

    Love it. The covering cloth reminded me that somewhere around here I still have a “prayer cloth” and letter from Robert Tilton. It’s a hoot.

    Oh my goodness, Robert Tilton! Haven’t heard that name in a loooong time! I remember his big preacher hair. And telling his audience to lay their hands on the television when he prayed.

  97. I have been micro-managing this thread according to My sovereign will with great interest.

    If it continues to be My will to cause it to develop Biblically, then before long I shall confirm Pastor Deebs with My special calling, and reveal to them the ultimate and closely-guarded secret of My purpose and being: namely, that the Biblescribshers are My Word and that all of your actions and opinions must be in accordance with the Scribshers.

    At present, none of you knows this great secret – I have only revealed it to a select few men of Me through a small number of privileged seminaries. Thus, as you know, all of you at present simply invent doctrines out of thin air to support your endless rebellion and carnal cravings. But fear not, little flock! I shall give Pastor Deebs to you as true shepherds who will lay down your very lives for My Gospel. They will teach you, and you will no longer be dumb animals, but Biblical church members.

    But which of My many Churches has really understood My Word? Time will tell, as I’m still studying and praying.

    Best regards,
    God

  98. Dee, if you are reading this, and regarding your upcoming post about Esther.

    TBN network is going to show their movie about Esther tonight, 9 P.M. CST, title: One Night With the King.

    I think I read a few years ago that the makers tried to keep their movie as close to the biblical account as they could.

    I did a study on the book of Esther a few years ago when I went to a local church.

    One of the things I learned about the book from this study is that the King, who was portrayed as a suave Prince Charming guy in the One Night With The King movie, was thought by Jewish scholars, culture, or theologians way back when to be a complete doofus idiot / jerk.

    I’m sorry I can’t recall the reasoning behind that view, but there are (the study said) hints of this in the biblical text itself.

    If that is true, then the depiction of the King in the movie may not be 100% accurate.

    But anyway, I didn’t know if you or anyone else would want to watch this movie, “One Night With the King”. It comes on tonight on TBN, 7 PM Pacific Time, 9 PM CST.

  99. Daisy wrote:

    If that is true, then the depiction of the King in the movie may not be 100% accurate.

    He’s not white and blond, by any chance, is he?

  100. Or white and balding even. Ethnicity still wrong, but the hair would be a step in the right direction.

    #baldisgood

  101. Stan wrote:

    Have You Been Reported to Your Church Leaders? TWW Has Got You Covered! — 137 Comments

    And now its time to sign the Church Covenant Membership Form to prove that you are repentant and willing to submit to discipline.

  102. We have forms that void any and all church covenants. Once again, they will be signed by this old dude in Raleigh and co signed by the Deebs. Please specify if you mind us certifying that you were insane when you signed that confounded form.

  103. @ Daisy:
    That king was a dadbalsted pagan and used women. Esther was a victim of her time. Women were constantly being sent to kings, etc who wanted to use them a their playthings.

  104. Stan wrote:

    @ dee:
    Pastor Dee, I submit to your loving care. And yes everyone, I am available to autograph the church bulletin announcing my restoration.

    An Attorney wrote:

    Gram3 wrote:
    Tim wrote:
    If only I could afford your services. I want a head covering!
    Don’t judges in the country which is the kephale of the United States have impressive headcovering/wigs so that the whippersnappers know who’s who?
    In the U.S., Judges don’t have “head coverings”, they have “shoulder coverings”, aka judicial robes. The idea is that their minds are free but their hearts must be covered to protect them from emotions getting involved in their decisions!!!!

    For a *love offering* can I get one of those robes sent to me so that I can be qualified to speak in a Comp/Pat church? Maybe it’ll prevent me from being emotionally charged as womenfolk are wont to do.

  105. Velour wrote:

    How much would it cost to become an Usherette?

    Someone was telling me just last weekend they grew up in a church that had “Calvinettes”.

  106. dee wrote:

    Call Sonny’s BBQ-great chicken and pork and they do the cleanup.

    I’ll bring Vietnamese style egg rolls with butter lettuce and fish sauce.

  107. dee wrote:

    Once again, they will be signed by this old dude in Raleigh and co signed by the Deebs.

    I appreciate your commitment to guarding My anonymity, but I’m not really in Raleigh.

    Best regards,
    God

  108. dee wrote:

    Please specify if you mind us certifying that you were insane when you signed that confounded form.

    Sounds like Klinger looking for a Section 8 on M.A.S.H.

  109. Rob wrote:

    As for that 55 year old single woman…I’d be surprised if the church even knows she exists. She could be educated, highly successful in the secular world, even an executive, and maybe allowed the honor of handing out bulletins at church. But, no one is going to ask her advice, or seek her leadership. (And, she probably doesn’t give a flip about being under covering of some supposed elder.) It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance for a professional single women to be a church member.

    That 55 year old single woman, and all womminfolk need to learn their place, which is submission to the male species per Kassian’s and DeMoss’ instruction in True Woman 101: Divine Design. Perhaps the Deebs can offer a course in submissive voice techniques so uppity women learn how to address all the males in their congregation, from Lead Pastor to the 12 year old boy. It seems Feminism has crept into the church and females have forgotten this technique. It needs to be taught early on so that uppity woman syndrome is eradicated from our midst!

  110. LInn wrote:

    So, I’m almost 58, happily single, self-supporting, and serving the Lord–Do you have any sandwich boards that say “I am just fine-bug off?”

    Ah oh….an uppity woman here! I suggest you subscribe to the course on submissive voice techniques to purge yourself of modern Feminism. And for an extra love offering request a crash course in Homemaking from the Southern Baptist Seminary!

  111. Bill M wrote:

    dee wrote:
    Would you like the coffee mug with my picture on it or the one with the boys all sitting together at the last T4G conference?
    The former please, the latter, gag, would break me of the coffee habit.

    Ah, Bill. How about a manly-man mug set of four, with Driscoll, Piper, Ware, and Grudem? And for a bonus (with a generous love offering) a mug with Word-Smithy Wilson’s smiling face?

  112. God wrote:

    I’m not really in Raleigh.

    I had a feeling you were not here when I saw them tearing up the Beltline. The traffic is unbearable and definitely the work of Stan!

  113. Nick Bulbeck wrote:

    He’s not white and blond, by any chance, is he?

    He’s got brown hair in the movie.

    It’s the same actor who played that guy – Prince someone -Prince Nuada – in the Hell Boy sequel. Luke Goss. I think he might have blue eyes in real life and is British – I don’t know.

  114. God wrote:

    dee wrote:

    Once again, they will be signed by this old dude in Raleigh and co signed by the Deebs.

    I appreciate your commitment to guarding My anonymity, but I’m not really in Raleigh.

    Best regards,
    God

    Whaaatttttt do you mean You are not in Raleigh? I thought You were everywhere?

    Respectfully submitted,

    Velour, a cousin of “Satin”‘s (or at least a virtual cousin)

  115. dee wrote:

    @ Daisy:
    That king was a dadbalsted pagan and used women. Esther was a victim of her time. Women were constantly being sent to kings, etc who wanted to use them a their playthings.

    Ahem ……. King Solomon, with all his wisdom?

  116. Darlene wrote:

    LInn wrote:
    So, I’m almost 58, happily single, self-supporting, and serving the Lord–Do you have any sandwich boards that say “I am just fine-bug off?”
    Ah oh….an uppity woman here! I suggest you subscribe to the course on submissive voice techniques to purge yourself of modern Feminism. And for an extra love offering request a crash course in Homemaking from the Southern Baptist Seminary!

    Hmmm. A crash course on submissive voice and homemaking ………
    I used to be a teacher.
    I can teach Linn how to speak softly and swing a cast iron skillet.

  117. In honor of your Protestant Indulgences, I’ve reworded an indulgences ditty of Luther’s time:

    “As soon as the coin in the coffer rings, the soul out of patriarchy springs!”

    And… is “Rev. Motorcycle Mama” to long for a clergy title?

  118. Velour wrote:

    Whaaatttttt do you mean You are not in Raleigh?

    Keep in mind that I said I’m not really in Raleigh. That doesn’t mean I’m not in Raleigh, just that I’m in Raleigh, but in a very specific and limited sense.

    In order to understand the precise nature of that specific and limited sense, you will need to split into warring factions and spend many centuries arguing over the minutiae of each word in the sentence “not really in Raleigh”, considering:
     What the meaning of “am” is
     What the meaning of “in” is
     What the meaning of “really” is
     What the meaning of “Raleigh” is
     Whether the statement is poetic, figurative, or literal, and if literal, what the meaning of “literal” is

    Once you’ve done this, you must take a robust stance in proselytising at the expense of other factions whom you must declare to be in rebellion against My clearly-revealed will.

    On the other hand, if all of that seems like a stupid waste of time, you could do a lot worse than submit to @ Pastor Dee on the subject.

  119. Daisy wrote:

    Nick Bulbeck wrote:
    He’s not white and blond, by any chance, is he?

    Daisy wrote:
    He’s got brown hair in the movie.
    It’s the same actor who played that guy – Prince someone -Prince Nuada – in the Hell Boy sequel. Luke Goss. I think he might have blue eyes in real life and is British – I don’t know.

    A blue-eyed Persian king? :facepalm:

  120. Many, many years ago, Luke Goss along with his twin brother Matt (and another wee chappie called Craig Logan) were part of a teenage boy-band called Bros – Luke, was the drummer, although they all sang. He is indeed British. As far as I can tell, he does have blue eyes, and they don’t seem to’ve given him coloured contact lenses for the film either.

    As an aside, the Bros story was something of an exemplar of commercial exploitation and the deceitfulness of riches, or of fame at any rate. They were represented by an agent who made sure they signed a contract guaranteeing him 20% of the band’s gross earnings. That’s not to say that their earnings were revolting, of course, but that before any of the considerable production expenses were deducted from record/ticket sales, the agent took his considerable cut. The predictable consequence was that when the industry spat them out after a couple of years, the band members themselves were left with enormous debts.

    Good sermon illustration for Pastordeebs, perhaps.

  121. Oh, this is brilliant! I can insert “Star R Scott (Bob Scott, or more frequently known as BS, wolf, false shepherd, etc…)and Calvary Temple Ministries headquartered in Sterling, VA into all of the points above. I needed that today amidst the seriousness of the allegations against this man and his cult, and our work to exposed the evilness of it all…blessings to all at TWW!

    Michelle

  122. @ Gram3:

    I would be interested in these items as well. I’ve seen some similar products, but none of them had been officially blessed.

  123. dee wrote:

    GovPappy wrote:

    . I want a seat at the table.

    Seats are provided only for those who submit an eye popping and entirely voluntary love offering. What sort of BBQ she asks suspiciously? I hope you are talking about North Carolina and not that Louisville perversion.

    I’m a dry rub Sombich. None of that sloppy mess that gets my hands slobberin’.

  124. dee wrote:

    zooey111 wrote:

    Can I get my great-grandmother’s mourning veil blessed

    The answer is yes, after we receive your entirely voluntary love offering. And just like Jesus healed people from a distance, we will offer our drone service to deliver a recording of Dee proclaiming the blessing.

    PS-Would you be willing to send me a picture of that mourning veil? I am curious.

    Would the drone have Star Trek music? I would feel better.

  125. God wrote:

    Velour wrote:

    Whaaatttttt do you mean You are not in Raleigh?

    Keep in mind that I said I’m not really in Raleigh. That doesn’t mean I’m not in Raleigh, just that I’m in Raleigh, but in a very specific and limited sense.

    In order to understand the precise nature of that specific and limited sense, you will need to split into warring factions and spend many centuries arguing over the minutiae of each word in the sentence “not really in Raleigh”, considering:
     What the meaning of “am” is
     What the meaning of “in” is
     What the meaning of “really” is
     What the meaning of “Raleigh” is
     Whether the statement is poetic, figurative, or literal, and if literal, what the meaning of “literal” is

    Once you’ve done this, you must take a robust stance in proselytising at the expense of other factions whom you must declare to be in rebellion against My clearly-revealed will.

    On the other hand, if all of that seems like a stupid waste of time, you could do a lot worse than submit to @ Pastor Dee on the subject.

    You know, God, besides being a fine Judge, I can tell You are an excellent lawyer. You have a way with words…

  126. VElizabeth Lee wrote:

    Daisy wrote:

    Nick Bulbeck wrote:
    He’s not white and blond, by any chance, is he?

    Daisy wrote:
    He’s got brown hair in the movie.
    It’s the same actor who played that guy – Prince someone -Prince Nuada – in the Hell Boy sequel. Luke Goss. I think he might have blue eyes in real life and is British – I don’t know.

    A blue-eyed Persian king? :facepalm:

    You’d be surprised how many blue/green eyed Persians there are with light hair and skin!

  127. Velour wrote:

    You know, God, besides being a fine Judge, I can tell You are an excellent lawyer.

    Thankyou for your kind psalm.

    My sharpest lawyering skills are reserved for those who fancy themselves as lawyers, of course.

  128. God wrote:

    Velour wrote:
    You know, God, besides being a fine Judge, I can tell You are an excellent lawyer.
    Thankyou for your kind psalm.
    My sharpest lawyering skills are reserved for those who fancy themselves as lawyers, of course.

    LOL.