A joke is a very serious thing. -Winston Churchill
In 2012, I wrote a humorous post about coverings.A few readers have asked me to rerun it. So, I have decided to do so with a few additions. Dr Jon is the pen name my husband used when he wrote a few posts in the past.
We break into our regularly scheduled kvetching to bring our readers three new fee-for-service product lines to be provided by TWW along with one free service that only requires a nominal™love™ offering.™(Think of it like processing,shipping and handling charges.)
1. "We’ve Got You Covered" Insurance.
This product is primarily aimed at our female audience.
- Are you mired in a church that demands that a man “cover” you?
- Are you single, 55 years old and stuck with being covered by a 27-year-old “elder?”
- Does your church teach that being under the “covering of Jesus” is not enough? That every woman needs a godly man who is in authority over her?
What’s a woman to do?
TWW has a way to get your covering-happy church off your back with “We’ve got you covered “insurance!
Here is how it works. For a low annual fee of $100 (with a 20% discount for full time missionaries), Dr. Jon will send you a document certifying that he is fully covering you: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
For a nominal $20 (plus S+H) extra, we will send you a Egyptian cotton covering (It may look like a Walmart hand towel but do not ask any questions) which you may carry in your purse. It can be thrown on your head at a moment’s notice if any elder complains about your uncovered status.You can rest securely, knowing that Dr Jon personally prayed over this covering, insuring its infusion with his spiritually superior covering.
For a further fee of $15, you will receive a phone number, which will be answered by Dr. Jon or his designated representatives. Said person will reassure any pastor or elder of your total and complete coverage. Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary) will be a living testimony to your high-quality coverage. Be the envy of all you friends who are stuck reporting to one of CJ Mahaney’s appointed “pastors.”
Sign up and you can say “I am fully covered by some old dude in Raleigh.”
2. Certificate of Member in Good Standing of The Church at Wartburg
- Were you thrown out of your church for telling your pastor that you think Mark Driscoll is whacked?
- Is your former congregation shunning you because you laughed out loud during the service when the pastor said CJ Mahaney’s book, Humility, is the definitive work on the subject?
- Have you been placed under church discipline for asking why your pastor has not been in the pulpit for 6 months because he is attending every single Calvinista conference out there? (They told the congregation he will most likely be able to do the Christmas sermon, after all.)
Are you now wondering how you will present yourself to a new church? Well, thanks to your blog queens, your worries are over!
For one low price of $100, we will provide you with “A Member in Good Standing of the Church at Wartburg” certificate. This church is an increasingly recognized and respected (well, kind of, sorta) non-denominational, international church and will give you instant recognition as a quality Christian.
Pastors Dee and Deb will personally sign this certificate. However, if this would cause conflict due to the complementarian nature of a prospective church, Dr. Jon (who officially completed one semester of seminary) will sign the certificate for a nominal extra fee of $50.
To increase your potential status in your prospective church of choice, for a small, additional fee, the certificate can provide a listing of your designated roles in Wartburg. Here are a few options.
- Bible study leader (ESV only) ($25)
- Bible study leader (NIV 2011) ($2.99)
- Bible study leader (KJVO) (Thou payest only $1.49)
- Elder who agrees with pastor 100% ($79.95)
- Elder who agrees with pastor 50% ($35.99)
- Worship Leader who uses SGM only songs ($100)
- Worship leader who dresses in tight jeans, pointy toed shoes and has a tattoo and cool glasses ($1,000)
- Sunday school leader and expert on Mark Driscoll’s Song of Solomon sermons ($2,345.27)
- Sunday School leader who is personally descended from a Puritan ($2.99) (Genealogy papers provided for an extra $5.00)
Your worries are gone in the blink of an eye when you sign up to be a "Member in Good Standing" of the Church at Wartburg.
3. “What Is the Name of Your Pastor?” Coverage
- Did you leave a stinging response on Doug Wilson’s blog, telling him to go colonize Mars? Did he ask for the name of your pastor?
- Did you, in the heat of the moment, comment at the Bayly brothers blog, Baylyblog, that you son was accepted by the New York City Ballet link? Have they been seeking a subpoena in order to out you so they can call your pastor?
- Did you snort during the conference in which Wayne Grudem told everyone women will be subordinate to men forever and ever amen? Did he take down your name ask who your pastor is?
- Did you open a parody account to respond to John Piper's poetry? Did you use the words muscular, female and pastor over and over? Is one of Piper's BFFs threatening to out you to your church?
Do not despair! TWW has the solution for your problem!
For $100, and an annual renewal fee of $45, we will provide you with a direct number to Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary), insuring that you will be viewed as one who chooses pastors with careful consideration of their theological qualifications. He will emphatically, and solemnly, state that he is your pastor and views you as a role model for all women who are allowed to read the Bible out loud in their churches.
Not only will he defend your spiritual credentials but will tell said inquirer(s) to lay off or he will impose long-distance, spiritual discipline. This discipline will include, but not be limited to, notifying the Mormon church that said pastor is a direct descendent of Brigham Young and wants young missionaries to visit him at his church. Dr. Jon will also send him a signed, complimentary CD of Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary) reciting the entire Left Behind series in Bulgarian.
4. Certified™ ordination papers and title of church office held.
As we are told, church leaders are worthy of double honor. These are sacred offices and should not be defiled by charging money for such a position. Therefore, we have created a voluntary™ love offering. For a nominal (which is defined by the recipient) love offering, you, too, can get an official certificate of ordination signed by Pastors Dee and Deb. If you willing to share the love a bit more, Dr Jon (who officially completed one semester of seminary) will sign the certificate.
Here are some of the sacred offices that you might be eligible to fill. These are highly desired positions so remember that when you think about your voluntary love offereing.These are listed in order of rank. That should give you an idea of the voluntary™and appropriate™ love™ offering™.
Pastor of a remote campus (Listed in order of importance when it comes to ascertaining the size of the voluntary™ love offering)
- Key West
- US Virgin Islands
- Bora Bora
Executive Pastor: Comes with a copy of certified™ budget which was overseen. For certified budgets over $40 million, reconsider the amount of your love offering.
Pastor Emeritus: Walks around, looking quite important and has time to write books that no one reads.
Church Secretary: She/he knows where the bodies are buried. It is considered a position of strength, perfect for those who wish to earn a little money on the side.
Head of Fundraising: A much desired workhorse. Most churches are willing to overlook certain indiscretions like being Arminian in order to obtain one for their church. Please call us if you wish to claim amounts in excess of to $40 million.
Bishop: This comes complete with a white collar in order to get prime seating in restaurants. Also, women love a man in uniform.
Head Apostle (We have it on good authority that CJ Mahaney no longer uses this title.) Think about it. Complete deniability and passing the buck makes this a most admired position.
Be the envy of all your friends. And don’t forget, when push comes to shove, TWW has you covered.
An ode to churches who have done their members wrong.