Toxic Faith: Experiencing Healing from Painful Spiritual Abuse

"Toxic faith is a destructive and dangerous involvement in a religion that allows the religion, not a relationship with God, to control a person's life."

Toxic Faith, page 19

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There have been a growing number of books regarding spiritual abuse that we highly recommend, and Toxic Faith is one of them.  I read this book back in the summer of 2010 and reviewed it here at TWW.  Because our readership has grown since that time, we thought it might be helpful to draw attention to those books that challenge the status quo.   What follows is my overview of this incredibly helpful book. 


"Most of us began our journey into faith with trusting hearts.  Yet incidents of abuse, media accounts of perverted religion, personal disappointment, loss, betrayal, and even unrealistic expectations of God can cause us to develop a warped or damaged view of faith.  Too often, what began as an authentic relationship with God deteriorates into a defective faith with an incomplete or poisoned view of God — one that allows the religion, not the relationship with God, to control our life."     

Stephen Arterburn

 

Nationally known speaker, licensed minister, and best-selling author Stephen Arterburn, has helped countless Christians through his excellent book Toxic Faith:  Experiencing Healing from Painful Spiritual Abuse, which he co-wrote with Jack Felton, a licensed therapist, ordained minister, and president and founder of Compassion Move Ministries. 

In the Preface, Arterburn describes how Victor Oliver, his publisher with Thomas Nelson called him in 1989 with a book idea – "to create a book to help men and women stuck in sick churches, to throw out a lifeline to hurting believers who had been used and abused and robbed of their relationship with God."

Arterburn explains that Victor "knew that many religious folks are good people doing some very good and right things but all for the wrong reasons — resulting in a paradoxical separation from God rather than intimacy with God."

Jack Felton came up with this brilliant book title and supplied the information that Arberburn lacked.  When Toxic Faith, was published in 1991, it surged to the top of the bestseller list.  Publisher's Weekly dubbed it a future "Christian Classic", and history has shown that they were correct.

Arterburn explains that the public response to Toxic Faith was a flood of letters from those who had been spiritually wounded by leaders, husbands, family members, and pastors who misused Scripture to gain control over their lives.  Hundreds of readers have conveyed to them that the book literally saved their lives!  In the preface, Arterburn writes: 

"For the first time, these individuals realized that God loved them, no matter how someone in power had misrepresented God or used the Lord's name to control and manipulate the church on the basis of the toxic behavior of people who did not really know God and were not close to what God wanted the church to be." 

Toxic Faith was re-released in 2001 and continues to be in high demand.  It has earned mostly five stars ratings from reviewers at Amazon, with no reviews being less than four stars.  All of the Amazon book reviews are worth reading, and this one written by "Lisa" is especially insightful. 

"Every Christian needs to read this book. The last church I attended was toxic but when I was in it I didn't fully realize it. I kept making excuses for the pastor's behavior (and the church leadership's behavior). Leaving that church was like coming out of a fog. Reading Toxic Faith was like reading a play that the church had been acting out. The book explains that in a toxic faith system, there are various roles that each person plays: a persecutor, co-conspirator, enabler, victim and an outcast. In order to keep this system going each person remains in their roles (as in an emotionally unhealthy family). But toxic faith doesn't just begin in a church. Toxic faith begins in our personal lives (usually from childhood) in some way and transfers into our faith system. The book tells the characteristics of a toxic church vs a healthy church. It talks about religious addiction vs a relationship with God. It took a minute for me to get into the book because right away I was hoping to hear about the bad church system I'd just left, but first the book talked about how toxic faith begins (with us). This book isn't filled with a lot of Bible Scripture, but it's filled with knowledge from two guys extremely gifted by God in their insight and keen discernment. The book helped further my healing after leaving a toxic faith system. Just because a church is big, popular, located all over the world, teaches the Bible extremely well (this is was what fooled me with my church), and started out with good intentions in its early days doesn't mean it's immune to toxicity! I highly recommend this book."

Toxic Faith is filled with such powerful information that it is difficult to narrow down what is most important to share with our readers; however, I'll do my best.  In the book's introduction, Arterburn explains that one of the most painful experiences his godly grandmother ever endured was an IRS audit!  The agents couldn't believe that someone reporting a meager eight thousand dollars a year on her income tax return would give 35 and sometimes even 40 percent of that income to the church and other ministries.  But the IRS auditors came to discover that it was indeed true.

Arterburn writes:

  "There was nothing toxic about Nany's faith.  She never gave to a particular minister, but always to the ministry, such as to a children's home or to a project to feed the homeless.  When she gave a dollar, she knew how that minister was going to spend it.  At least she thought she did. (emphasis mine)"  (p. 2)

Unfortunately, his grandmother discovered prior to her death in 1989 that the toxic faith of the so-called ministers to whom she gave robbed her of the blessing of knowing that her sacrificial giving had been used to advance the kingdom of God.  

I found the following statements by Arterburn to be especially heart wrenching:

"They took her money and spent it on themselves and their big plans, schemes that had nothing to do with my grandmother's desire to tell the world about God's love or to feed and clothe orphans.  Some of those ministers that she so faithfully supported wound up in jail, divorced their wives, were arrested for indecent exposure, or fell into other public sin." (p. 2)

"They built big empires for themselves while my grandmother turned off her heater at night so she might be able to save a few dollars and therefore give more.  Their faith was toxic.   It poisoned many who trusted them, and it distorted the view of God held by many who watched as these media ministers fell from grace.  As a result, many today believe all ministers are charlatans and out to fleece the flock." (p. 3)

I don't know about you, but that was difficult for me to read!  Arterburn and Felton end the Introduction with the following quote:

Good and Bad Spirituality

"If I were asked for a yardstick to discern good from bad spirituality, I would suggest three criteria to be detached from:  material gain, self-importance and the urge to dominate others.  Unfortunately, much of what is labeled spirituality in America today moves in the opposite direction.  It means using the names of God and Christ to promote one's own importance, material gain, and right to oppress others."

Rosamary Radford Ruether, Professor of Theology

Arterburn and Felton end the introduction with these important verses from God's Holy Word:

  "Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the traditions of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ… Let no one defraud you of your reward… [W]hy, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations — "Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle," which all concern things which perish with the using — according to the commandments and doctrines of men?  These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh…  Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth."

                             Colossians 2:8, 18, 20-23; 3:2

What Are Toxic Faith and Religious Addiction?

Here is how the authors define toxic faith:

"Toxic faith is a destructive and dangerous involvement in a religion that allows the religion, not a relationship with God, to control a person's life.  People broken by various experiences, people from dysfunctional families, people with unrealistic expectations, and people out for their own gain or comfort seem especially prone to it.  It is a defective faith with an incomplete or tainted view of God.  It is abusive and manipulative and can become addictive.  It becomes so central to a person's life that family and friends become insignificant compared with the need to uphold false beliefs."  (p. 19)

This is a frightening reality!  Remember Lisa's testimony in her Amazon book review?  She explained:  "Toxic faith begins in our personal lives (usually from childhood) in some way and transfers into our faith system."  Until those who are victims of toxic faith understand this important concept and the part they play in the charade, there can be no healing.   They must learn to discern and spot wolves in sheep's clothing!

The authors continue with these sobering statements:

"Toxic faith has nothing to do with God and everything to do with men and women who want to concoct a god or faith that serves self rather than honors God.  In short, toxic faith is an excuse.  It is an excuse for an abusive husband to mistreat his wife because he believes God would want her to submit to him as if he were God.  It is an excuse to put off dealing with pain in life.  It is an excuse to wait for God to do what he wants you to do.  It provides a distraction through compulsive "churchaholism" or religious ritual."       (p. 19)

"Toxic faith is also a counterfeit for the spiritual growth that can occur through a genuine relationship with God.  The toxic faithful find a replacement for God.  How they look becomes more important than who God is.  Acts of religion replace steps of growth.  A facade is substituted for a heart longing to know God.  The facade forms a barrier between the believer and God, leaving the believer to survive with only a destructive addiction to religion."  (p. 20)

Hopefully, you now have a better understanding of Toxic Faith, which we highly recommend. 

Lydia's Corner:  2 Kings 20:1-22:2   Acts 21:18-36   Psalm 150:1-6   Proverbs 18:9-10

Comments

Toxic Faith: Experiencing Healing from Painful Spiritual Abuse — 39 Comments

  1. How much of this ” Toxic Faith” is nothing more than the “Love of money” by the abusers??? It’s what I think….

  2. They’d sell even more copies if they placed the words “Gospel Centered” in the title. 🙂

  3. I’ll have to re-read that book.

    Recently I’ve spent time with a young woman who has been talking with Jehovah’s Witnesses. These guys are the pros. Talk about love bombing and acting as though they’ve got an inside track to God.

    It’s the perfect cult to suck everything out of you emotionally, financially, and spiritually. They make up the rules about how to please Jehovah, and he’s incredibly hard to please. They abandon their friendships, their family, and their aspirations in life. The percentage of college degrees among J.W.s is one of the lowest of any religious body in the U.S.

    Those who’ve left rarely find a well-balanced spirituality. Many become atheist/agnostic.

  4. Deb wrote:

    I do believe that’s the bottom line with these abusive leaders.

    I think the “bottom line” is what ties YEC intellectual abuse as touted by AIG and others to the much more devastating forms of personal abuse primarily discussed here.

  5. I have always felt that Arterburn is a bit of a chameleon.
    His promotion of Driscoll’s sex book put me off. Driscoll could be the cover model for “Toxic Faith”. He has also been close to Dobson, which is surprising considering Dobson’s obsession with fighting the “Gay Agenda” and Arterburn’s relatively benign approach to homosexuality. (Arterburn has two gay brothers, one of whom died from AIDS) He has promoted psychological approach to human mental health issues and criticized the nouthetic counseling advocates. He has been married three times, which perhaps is why he has shown much grace to those who have left abusive marriages. He hosts as mostly enlightened call-in show which has helped many people, but the constant desperate financial appeals are beyond annoying.
    Despite some criticism, I do think he has added positively to the Christian dialog. I have read “Toxic Faith” and the follow-up, “More Jesus, Less Religion” and frequently recommend them to others.

  6. Wow! I have to take back of my comment. I see from the link in Anon’s comment,

    http://freedom4captives.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/48-a-bit-troubling/#comments

    that the president of Arterburn’s ministry apologized for having Driscoll on as a guest and even removed the show from the archives. I give them a GOLD star for this action. This is Larry Sonnenburg’s email:

    “Dear ____,
    I want to apologize to you for my slow response to your concern about Mark Driscoll appearing on our radio program. I had a heavy travel schedule of late…

    “I want you to know that we acknowledge the mistake we made having him on the program, and I take responsibility for that. When the request came in, I shared with the person handling the request that I had seen him speak a few years back at a church denominational function, and he gave an outstanding talk on knowing our Christology. I was quite impressed with him. I was not aware of the issues you and a few others brought up. I promise that we’ll do a better job screening guests in the future.

    “Thank you for your understanding, and please forgive us for not doing a better job screening.

    Larry Sonnenburg
    President
    New Life Ministries

  7. I think Loren Haas wrote:

    I have always felt that Arterburn is a bit of a chameleon.
    His promotion of Driscoll’s sex book put me off. Driscoll could be the cover model for “Toxic Faith”. He has also been close to Dobson, which is surprising considering Dobson’s obsession with fighting the “Gay Agenda” and Arterburn’s relatively benign approach to homosexuality. (Arterburn has two gay brothers, one of whom died from AIDS) He has promoted psychological approach to human mental health issues and criticized the nouthetic counseling advocates. He has been married three times, which perhaps is why he has shown much grace to those who have left abusive marriages. He hosts as mostly enlightened call-in show which has helped many people, but the constant desperate financial appeals are beyond annoying.
    Despite some criticism, I do think he has added positively to the Christian dialog. I have read “Toxic Faith” and the follow-up, “More Jesus, Less Religion” and frequently recommend them to others.

    I think this is a good point, even with the apology. Not only is the toxism (sp?) in their churches, but they write books, etc. which spreads this toxism outside the church to those who are not members, but buy their books, listen to their sermons on radio or online, and read their blogs etc. So it’s spreading even further creating more toxic people.

  8. When I was younger and began to question what I was being taught, I never understood how a church minister could preach that salvation was faith in Christ alone, which I believe to this day to be true, but then when someone made that decision, a long list of do and don’t do were thrown at that person for the rest of their lives. From dressing to going to movies, to how often one had to knock on doors inviting people to church, and the list goes on right down to sex in the privacy of one’s bedroom. I could never find this list in scripture. 🙂

    If all we have to do is have faith in Christ alone, shouldn’t that be the way it is for the rest of our lives? Faith that the Holy Spirit is very capable of leading each of us who are born again? I found the answer through scripture to be yes.

  9. I remember coming across the term “religious addiction” for the first time about 20 years ago, and telling a friend that I now knew how to explain my mother. My friend wondered how “religious addiction” could be a bad thing; after all, isn’t “religion” a good thing? I illustrated my point by asking her what her own mother, who had a lifelong simple childlike faith in God, had said when her vehicle lost its brakes and overturned. “Oh, thank God you weren’t hurt!” her mother said. Then I told her how when my car went out of control, slid sideways right between 2 trees and came to a safe stop, my mother, who knew her Bible backwards and forwards, and for whom a child’s 102-degree fever was no excuse for missing a weekly dose of church, responded. With an extremely self-righteous frown, she snapped, “Well, I hope you knew who to thank!” and she never did bother to ask me if I was all right, or even if my car was all right.

    My friend immediately understood what I meant by “religious addiction.”

  10. StillWiggling wrote:

    “Well, I hope you knew who to thank!” and she never did bother to ask me if I was all right, or even if my car was all right.

    Religious addiction is often devoid of love.

  11. I keep Arterburn’s list of 10 Harmful Faith Characteristics next to my office phone so I can refer to it easily when someone calls with a spiritual abuse issue. To hear the characteristics described is liberating in and of itself because it says to the victim that it is a system that caused their pain, not themselves.

    I wrote an article years ago about the three temptations to leaders. They are Power, Purse, and Prestige. Any one of those can be a stepping board to one or more of the other two. A person with Prestige can use that reputation to gain wealth or power and vice versa.

  12. @ Loren Haas:

    Wow. Loren, that is so rare for a person in ministry to admit something like that and not try to rationalize over or ignore the concerns.

  13. David Henke wrote:

    wrote an article years ago about the three temptations to leaders. They are Power, Purse, and Prestige. Any one of those can be a stepping board to one or more of the other two. A person with Prestige can use that reputation to gain wealth or power and vice versa.

    Do you have a link?

  14. I understand some of the concern about Stephen Arterburn. The continued pleas for money do annoy me, and I know he’s far from perfect. God does use imperfect vessels, although there are some lines that leaders cannot cross or be abusive or ridiculous. With that said, I would not have much of a quality of life without the New Life Ministries. Their broadcasts, books, and a recommended counslor saved my life and put me on the course to be who I am today. So grateful for them. Though much of the folks who helped me were the original founders Minirth-Meier and Cloud and Townsend.

  15. It is sad that often times the very people driving others away from the christian faith are those who are so prominent in our church. The love of Christ can be totally absent from those who should be showing it most.

  16. @ Deb:
    Well it seems that Mr. Sonnenberg did not follow through on removing Mark Driscoll’s appearance from the show’s archives. I am afraid he get’s only partial credit. Suppose any Evangelical politics is involved with this?

  17. @ Loren Haas:
    I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was an oversight.

    At least Real Marriage isn’t for sale on their website., as I believe was mentioned in the interview.

  18. Debbie Kaufman wrote:

    …but then when someone made that decision, a long list of do and don’t do were thrown at that person for the rest of their lives. From dressing to going to movies, to how often one had to knock on doors inviting people to church, and the list goes on right down to sex in the privacy of one’s bedroom.

    And everything that was not Forbidden was Absolutely Compulsory.

  19. Headless Unicorn Guy wrote:

    dee wrote:
    StillWiggling wrote:
    “Well, I hope you knew who to thank!” and she never did bother to ask me if I was all right, or even if my car was all right.
    There’s somebody on the Web who calls that canned response “a Jesus Juke”.
    Found it! http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2010/11/the-jesus-juke/
    I remember getting Jesus Juked like that once at Palomar Observatory.

    Found the perfect expression on that site….”shame grenade.” Oh yes indeed I have received a few of those! And hope to never throw one.

  20. David Henke wrote:

    I keep Arterburn’s list of 10 Harmful Faith Characteristics next to my office phone so I can refer to it easily when someone calls with a spiritual abuse issue. To hear the characteristics described is liberating in and of itself because it says to the victim that it is a system that caused their pain, not themselves.
    I wrote an article years ago about the three temptations to leaders. They are Power, Purse, and Prestige. Any one of those can be a stepping board to one or more of the other two. A person with Prestige can use that reputation to gain wealth or power and vice versa.

    Reminds me of pastors /preachers exhorting the congregation to give the Lord their time, talent and treasure. Of late, it seems (sometimes) pastors want the congregation to give those things to them.

  21. @ Former CLC’er:
    I was helped by the original group also. My daughter had finally convinced her CLC boyfriend to go one of their counselors with her but the counselor didn’t show up for the appointment they had, and they never went back to try again. New Life and I lost some credibility that day, so sad.

  22. AngelaCFR wrote:

    It is sad that often times the very people driving others away from the christian faith are those who are so prominent in our church. The love of Christ can be totally absent from those who should be showing it most.

    I think they lose sight of their focus: Jesus. When I see a church movement that doesn’t seem to keep Jesus’ teachings about loving others, the Sermon on the Mount, and his death and resurrection at the center, it signals they are going the wrong way.

  23. Todd Wilhelm wrote:

    They’d sell even more copies if they placed the words “Gospel Centered” in the title.

    Heh. 😆

    “Missional” is another popular buzzword with some of the trendy preachers, maybe the authors should’ve tossed that into the subtitle 🙂 And “visionary” and “radical.”

  24. Deb wrote:

    he said they would be giving away Driscoll’s book to listeners who called in that day

    Maybe the caller used the Driscoll marriage book as a door stop or drink coaster. Putting it to good use 🙂

  25. Daisy wrote:

    And “visionary” and “radical.”

    I am pretty sure your doctrine isn’t orthodox if it doesn’t contain the word “radical.”

  26. Janey, you hit the nail on the head!

    I am so very grateful that my first experience with a toxic, abusive pastor was so outrageously painful that it sent me spiraling headlong out of church.

    Oh I’m back, loving church more than ever, but my radar is always on and I do beat feet when the sounds and actions emanating from the pulpit are unhealthy.

    Oddly enough, I’m so thankful to have had the very painful experience. It opened up a whole new world of Christian love and joy for me.

  27. A toxic faith does not always materially impact the end result, specially when properly analyzed. Thanks for the article and hope to read from you again. Another good post deb.