We’ve Got You Covered!

A joke is a very serious thing.  -Winston Churchill


Manukan,_Mamutik_&_Sulug_-_Happy_Islands.jpg: Thien Zie Yung

Happy Islands- Thien Zie Yung-Wikicommons

This past week, Dee was a bit distracted with a few difficult things. The worst involved one of her two rescue pug dogs, Petunia, whom we had rehabilitated from a severely abusive first 4 years of life. We have had her for 4 1/2 years since adoption. She was discovered to have a tumor that will most likely be fatal. We have decided to adopt another rescue pug in order to give our other pug, Lilly, some time to bond to her. Although this is a sad event, it will be wonderful to give a good life to another abandoned pug. We will pick her up tomorrow. We have decided, in honor of TWW, to call her TULIP! So, since Dee is not in a mood for deep introspection, today, our blog will be just a bit different.

We break into our regularly scheduled kvetching to bring our readers three new fee-for-service product lines to be provided by TWW.

1. "We’ve Got You Covered" Insurance.

This product is primarily aimed at our female audience.

  • Are you mired in a church that demands that a man “cover” you?
  • Are you single, 55 years old and stuck with being covered by a 27-year-old “elder?”
  • Does your church teach that being under the “covering of Jesus” is not enough? That every woman needs a godly man who is in authority over her?

What’s a woman to do?

TWW has a way to get your covering-happy church off your back with “We’ve got you covered “insurance!

Here is how it works. For a low annual fee of $100 (with a 20% discount for full time missionaries), Dr. Jon will send you a document certifying that he is fully covering you: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

For a nominal $20 (plus S+H) extra, we will send you a Egyptian cotton covering (It may look like a Walmart hand towel but do not ask any questions) which you may carry in your purse. It can be thrown on your head at a moment’s notice if any elder complains about your uncovered status.You can rest securely, knowing that  Dr Jon personally prayed over this covering, insuring its infusion with his spiritually superior covering.

For a further fee of $15, you will receive a phone number, which will be answered by Dr. Jon or his designated representatives. Said person will reassure any pastor or elder of your total and complete coverage. Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary) will be a living testimony to your high-quality coverage. Be the envy of all you friends who are stuck reporting to one of CJ Mahaney’s appointed “pastors.”

Sign up and you can say “I am fully covered by some old dude in Raleigh.”

2. Certificate of Member in Good Standing of The Church at Wartburg

  • Were you thrown out of your church for telling your pastor that you think Mark Driscoll is whacked?
  • Is your former congregation shunning you because you laughed out loud during the service when the pastor said CJ Mahaney’s book, Humility, is the definitive work on the subject?
  • Have you been placed under church discipline for asking why your pastor has not been in the pulpit for 6 months because he is attending every single Calvinista conference out there? (They told the congregation he will most likely be able to do the Christmas sermon, after all.)

Are you now wondering how you will present yourself to a new church? Well, thanks to your blog queens, your worries are over!

For one low price of $100, we will provide you with “A Member in Good Standing of the Church at Wartburg” certificate. This church is an increasingly recognized and respected (well, kind of, sorta) non-denominational, international church and will give you instant recognition as a quality Christian.

Pastors Dee and Deb will personally sign this certificate. However, if this would cause conflict due to the complementarian nature of a prospective church, Dr. Jon (who officially completed one semester of seminary) will sign the certificate for a nominal extra fee of $50.

To increase your potential status in your prospective church of choice, for a small, additional fee, the certificate can provide a listing of your designated roles in Wartburg. Here are a few options.

  • Bible study leader (ESV only) ($25)
  • Bible study leader (NIV 2011) ($2.99)
  • Bible study leader (KJVO) (Thou payest only $1.49)
  • Elder who agrees with pastor 100% ($79.95)
  • Elder who agrees with pastor 50% ($35.99)
  • Worship Leader who uses SGM only songs ($100)
  • Worship leader who dresses in tight jeans, pointy toed shoes and has a tattoo and cool glasses ($1,000)
  • Sunday school leader and expert on Mark Driscoll’s Song of Solomon sermons ($2,345.27)
  • Sunday School leader who is personally descended from a Puritan ($2.99) (Genealogy papers provided for an extra $5.00)

Your worries are gone in the blink of an eye when you sign up to be a "Member in Good Standing" of the Church at Wartburg.

3. “What Is the Name of Your Pastor?” Coverage

  • Did you leave a stinging response on Doug Wilson’s blog, telling him to go colonize Mars? Did he ask for the name of your pastor?
  • Did you, in the heat of the moment, comment at the Bayly brothers blog, Baylyblog, that you son was accepted by the New York City Ballet link? Have they been seeking a subpoena in order to out you so they can call your pastor?
  • Did you comment at Vision Forum that Doug Phillips is no Harrison Ford, no matter how hard he pretends, in his Indiana Jones, “Let’s traverse the Amazon” outfit? Did you mistakenly leave your real email address? Is he trying to get you to spill the name of you pastor so he can report you?

Do not despair! TWW has the solution for your problem!

For $100, and an annual renewal fee of $45, we will provide you with a direct number to Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary), insuring that you will be viewed as one who chooses pastors with careful consideration of their theological qualifications.  He will emphatically, and solemnly, state that he is your pastor and views you as a role model for all women who are allowed to read the Bible out loud in their churches.

Not only will he defend your spiritual credentials but will tell said inquirer(s) to lay off or he will impose long-distance, spiritual discipline. This discipline will include, but not be limited to, notifying the Mormon church that said pastor is a direct descendent of Brigham Young and wants young missionaries to visit him at his church. Dr. Jon will also send him a signed, complimentary CD of Dr Jon (who completed one semester of seminary) reciting the entire Left Behind series in Bulgarian.

Be the envy of all your friends. And don’t forget, when push comes to shove, TWW has you covered.

An ode to churches who have done their members wrong.

Lydia's Corner: Genesis 46:1-47:31 Matthew 15:1-28 Psalm 19:1-14 Proverbs 4:14-19



We’ve Got You Covered! — 40 Comments

  1. I’m descended from a deacon in the Boston church (1649) and I go by the name of a misbehaving Puritan woman who was punished by that same church. What will it cost to add a bright shiny red A to my certificate in good standing (plus authorized Puritan credentials)?

  2. Hester
    Ah, but the A recalls The Scarlet Letter. How about we give you a shiny green A-? Hmmm, @$2.50

  3. “Did you comment at Vision Forum that Doug Phillips is no Harrison Ford, no matter how hard he pretends, in his Indiana Jones, ‘Let’s traverse the Amazon’ outfit?”

    Maybe somebody should put a snake near Doug’s podium at his next speaking gig. Then we’ll really know if he’s channeling Indiana Jones properly. Let’s just hope he doesn’t start speaking Parseltongue instead…

  4. About Doug Philips colonizing Mars – poor Mars!!!

    I need a certificate of my Abbess-ness, but I think I can produce one myself. Will have to send it to the Triangle for signatures, I guess. (Besides my own, which will be writ large, a la Paul’s “large letters,” in florid, John Hancockian style.)

  5. Mother Superior –

    If I post links to this thread all over blog Christendom, may I keep 10% of such monies that come your way from the sale of such indulgences?

    Sister Bridget

    (Oh, but does this cause me to usurp my brothers’ positions?)

    Maybe I should purchase coverage before I sell?

  6. Do you have anything for people who have “pre-existing” legal issues; ie, I’ve been previously sued by a former pastor. Will you still cover me?

    Can I get a discount if I give you a high-profile pastor’s personal cell phone and/or personal e-mail address (I may have more than one of these)? I really want to get on board with this offer, Dee.

  7. Julie Anne

    For any person who has been subject to “Some church that I used to know” lawsuits, we offer a 66% discount. We don’t care about their personal emails. They must call us. We want to avoid them. Listen, we want to make bank as easily as possible.

  8. My kids and I like to belt out the the chorus of that song when we are on our road trips! I didn’t know that the lyrics to the rest of it! LOL

    “No you didn’t have to stoop so low
    Have your friends collect your records and then change your number”

    In my case it was “Have your friend return my book and then berate me on my doorstep”! Poor woman hadn’t much of a clue what her church elders had been up to and heard enough from me to send her away thinking, at least.

    I think comic relief should be a regular feature at TWW.

  9. Hester,
    My Puritan ancestors were in the Roxbury church,* eldered * by John Eliot, Apostle to the Indians and in SOME ways far ahead of his time.

    Enclosed please find my $2.99 Puritan SS Teacher donation. Have geneology already, so $5.00 not enclosed.
    Admonition from Apostle Appalled to the Revs: Forthwith change all “Fee” terminology to “Donation” terminology. Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.
    Seal Of Approval by Apostle Appalled: Dr. Jon is certified to be under my shepherding– to the same extent that I am under the shepherding of Pope Piper.

  10. As for either “Doug” colonizing Mars– to avoid inordinate phobias by Mark Driscoll, this should be changed to Venus. After all, Mark’s “Hill” is on Mars, and “real men” are from there.

  11. Dee –

    Was that off the top of your “covered” head? And you ran that by your official covering right?

  12. a while back I saw one wag do a “spiritual covering” umbrella that women could take with them everywhere they went. Evidently it had been blessed by some Patriarchs in advance.

  13. “Did you comment at Vision Forum that Doug Phillips is no Harrison Ford, no matter how hard he pretends, in his Indiana Jones, “Let’s traverse the Amazon” outfit?”


  14. Julie Anne – As a person who has a pre-existing condition, I would take them up on this offer. It sounds pretty good! 😉

  15. dave – but Venus has a lethal atmosphere and the surface temp is approx. 864 F (not a typo).

    take that however you wish!

  16. dee –

    I am SO sorry to hear the sad news about your precious little dog. I know the pain and difficulties you are facing – we lost our beloved Sammy (also a rescue) to a fatal throat tumor in July.

    What a treat it was to wake up and read your hilarious post first thing this morning! LOL!

  17. Oh Dee…I am so very sorry about Petunia. Being yours, she must be a really loved and cherished little dog. I am glad that she has had a ‘mom’ like you for the last four and a half years, and that you will be with her through this next stage.

  18. HowDee YaAll,

    “Your honor, I freely admit that that is my
    Certificate of Member in Good Standing of The Church at Wartburg , under that two tons of “SGM garbage”.”




    S㋡py “石鹸”
    P.S. hum, hum,hum… Jesus ♫♫♫  “..all else is sinking sand…”
    P.P.S. Dee, Sorry bout youze lit’l doggie… (heaven bound)

  19. Dee/Deb

    To maintain your status as a “church” (IRS lingo for a non-profit or not-for-profit religious business entity), please change “price” or “fee” to “donation”, and allow people to “donate”, with only a minimum listed. You will need to send each person a “receipt” for their donation, so they can deduct their “contribution” to your “church” when computing their Schedule A on their 1040.

    This is free advice, worth every nickel you paid for it, from a tax preparing and non-profit status acquiring attorney.

  20. BTW, if your animal is a part of the necessary religious practice in your church, the care and treatment of it may be paid by the church as a religious expense and avoid taxable income from your non-profit religious corporation.

  21. I want to know when you are going to lead a trip to the Holy Land like other pastors! I want to go to the Holy Land with my pastors, Deb and Dee, to “walk where Jesus walked”, or maybe you can just get a cruise together, and we can sail the Danube. I hear there is good money in leading cruises!

  22. How much extra if Dr. Jon actually touches the items he prays over?

    I’ve read stories by ex staffers of ministries that offered things like this where to pray over items they would go into the warehouse, get up on a ladder, the with raised hands say a quick prayer over 10,000 or so items at a time

  23. Dee,

    So sorry to hear about your little doggie who is sick. 🙁 I hope you’re getting some comic relief.

  24. Still praying (in my own feeble way for Petunia)…glad you’re redeeming Tulips…they used to be my favourite flower 🙂

  25. BeakerJ,

    I love tulips too! I’m planning to plant some bulbs at the appropriate time. Gotta do a little research on them. Great comment!

  26. Eagle

    The other Mahaney is like a doctor whose medical licence was revoked after a well-publicised malpractice suit, but then some of his physician buddies got together and said he was fit to practice, so he moved on to another clinic 😉